Published March 22, 2008
urg...i don't think people are going to like this one...
FYI: i have serious punctuation isuues.
okay well have fun reading and be mean.
Pitter patter
Little feet
Against the sands of time;
Laughter
Giggles
In the streets
Angels fall in line.
Flap thy wings
Silently now
Blow forth the sands of time;
Across the ages
Throughout the streets:
Let’s hear the
Pitter Patter
Of little feet
Against the sands of time.
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Intresting poem. I really liked your first stanza, but you should divide your second one into two just before "Across the ages;" Also, your second to last line kind of throws off the ending.
This was really cute. It was short and sweet and I liked it
I can't really see anything wrong with it so there isn't really anything more for me to say except Keep Writing!
I loved this piece!
The only problem I really noticed was when you say
"Throughout the streets:
Let’s hear the
Pitter Patter
Of little feet
Against the sands of time."
The flow of this piece suddenly breaks when you say "Let's hear the" at least, that's where I noticed it. I really hate it when I come across something like this and it drives me to distraction. I suggest writing it and re-writing it until it "flows". At least, that's just my suggestion.
PLEASE DON'T PM ME!!! THE ONLY TWO-CENTS I HAVE I JUST GAVE. AND EVERYBODY'S MAKING ME POORER BY THE SECOND.
*JK, JK*
Hello! This is a really cute poem but I agree with Riedawriter. I don't really know what I'm feeling right now...
Hello!
Welcome to YWS!
Okay, the first thing that I noticed was the way you structured your lines. It made it sort of difficult to read. It can do without the spaces between each line. As shown:
Pitter patter
Little feet
Against the sands of time;
Laughter
Giggles
In the streets
Angels fall in line.
Flap thy wings
Silently now
Blow forth the sands of time;
Across the ages
Throughout the streets:
Let’s hear the
Pitter Patter
Of little feet
Against the sands of time.
As far as content is concerned I think that this is really cute and short. It could use some imagery though, and more figurative language because I didn't really know what to feel after reading this. What were you trying to get from the reader?
PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda
i like it.it's real sweet and short. sorry for my lack of criticism, but i don't see anything wrong with it, and I don't know enough about poems to judge them.