Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
It's a penny for your dime
But no more faith for time
And every hurtful rhyme
Sings past those
Sour taste of limes
Saying
“Hey, walk on our lines!”
But
“Nah I'm fine!”
It's a penny for your dime
And they don't care
It's their own crime
Beating with hands so bare
And if I were to stare
And justice flies away
With no fingers
Left to play
Such a tuneless
sound of foolishness
As they say
“It's for a reason.”
And I sit here in my day
Thinking it's luck
Slipping down pills
Finding out its just a fuck
Brain full of muck
And they say
“It's for a reason”
Telling me I'm crazy
But please look at me
They pay me a penny
For my damn dime
Just to have me
Sit in a wired chair
Measuring my brain waves
As my mind hits its haze
Wandering around
Like I have no head
And I remember
What they have said
“It's for a reason”
But it's so synthetic
And everyone thinks
“Wow, so fantastic!”
Why don't I shove
It down your throat
then maybe you'd
Fucking gloat
Powerless
Till the time ticks
To hourless
As my head rolls round
Finding my steady ground
Hitting my mind
Till I weigh no more than a pound
Take happy
Boxed up
Enhanced chemically
Till your mind
Floats away
And they say
“It's for a reason”
And I was fine
Till they made me crazy
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there writer,
Your poem here is very rhythmical. That's the funny thing about poetry, it must have some kind of lyrical meaning to it. And you my friend, are doing this right. The words you placed here are perfect. I would love to see more from you. If it wouldn't be bothersome, would you mind giving me some pointers? Because i could learn a lot from you. You are brilliant, amazing, rhythmical, and a writer indeed. Have a lovely day.
Awww, thanks! And sure I could give you pointers!
Hey there, here to review!
This was a nice piece, and although long, it was good, so it was worth it. The thing I like the most about this is the rhyming and the flow of the poem. The concept of the poem itself seems a bit confusing to me, but I understand most of it and I understand the mood you were setting as well.
Something I didn't like about it was that I felt you repeated too much "It's a penny for your dime", and, even though you changed the structure of the verses and how you said it, I found it a little excessive.
This verse confused me a bit as well. The two consecutive "And"s don't seem to go along well, and you wrote the first verse in conditional, so we would expect you to follow the thought, but you seem to move on to something different without completing the first verse. I suggest you could take out the second "And", so it would flow better.
Other from that I found no mistakes, but this poem is good!
Keep up the good work and keep writing.
-Alfonso
Thanks for the review!!!
Ok here only for a review
The poetry piece is quite long but at the same time,it is quite meaningful.
The flow is good and opening few lines are also amusing and generates a lot of interest.
But no way this looks like 18+ . Kids are very smart nowadays and can expose themselves to any material. There may be several 18+ people who are not exposed to any content which is meant for 18+.
But this is quite good and few lines caught my attention:
"
And I sit here in my day
Thinking it's luck
Slipping down pills
Finding out its just a fuck
Brain full of muck
And they say
“It's for a reason”
Telling me I'm crazy
But please look at me
They pay me a penny
For my damn dime
"
May you be inspired and write several such poetic pieces.
All the best for future publications.
Yeah I put 12 but I got a message saying it was made to be for 18 so I couldn't change it back. But yay! Thanks for the review!
Hey, SecreteJournalist here to review, but feel free to call me Brie c: ! I suppose I should get onto the review now!
I am terribly sorry if I missed any flaws ( I didn't find any flaws c: !! )
This poem, is absolutely fantastic. Very nice flow, rhyme scheme, and description. I see no grammatical issues, or spelling issues, it's just... perfect o.o
The expressions and emotions are very present, and in a way that doesn't seem forced.
Some of my favorite lines are
"They pay me a penny
For my damn dime
Just to have me
Sit in a wired chair
Measuring my brain waves
As my mind hits its haze
Wandering around
Like I have no head"
I like this, because it expresses the characters emotions in a way so shocking a believable its just.. amazing!
Keep writing dear, this is amazing
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
AWWWWW!!! ^-^