Have you ever wondered what makes an adult an adult? Or when a child becomes grown-up? Could it be at a certain age, maybe fifteen? Or is it a life moment, like the day a high school graduate receives their diploma? No, it is something much deeper. What makes a child become an adult is when they first encounter a crucial decision, a life-changing problem. When they have to make a choice, and stand by it no matter what occurs next. When they are forced to take a side on their own, when they have to overcome a massive difficulty. This is the moment a child becomes an adult. These complications are what distinguish an essentially carefree kid from a problem-laden adult. And, although this seems completely unrelated, the moment a child becomes an adult is closely linked to the participating or not participating of childish activities, especially the seemingly harmless puddle jumping. Think about it. Kids, carefree and innocent of the world’s endless problems, will shriek in delight and splash in puddles without a second thought. But adults will shrink away from these pools of liquid, not dipping the slightest toe in the water. And if they ever do, they are always in the presence of a child, whose carefree ways will smother the problems of an adult. But why is this phenomenon true? Why do only children participate in the pastime of splashing in puddles? Here is the horrific truth, the rule that everyone abides without even knowing of its existence. You see, puddles are not simply small pools formed by water falling from the sky. It is true that rain is what causes puddles, but these pools have an unimaginable amount more of significance to this world. They are by no means just a mere result of nature. In reality, puddles do not signify a rainy day full of laughter from jolly children, but are in fact connected to the worst our planet has to offer. As unlikely as it may seem, puddles are a sort of portal to another universe that mirrors ours in every way, except that it is much darker. The content families living in New York are represented below by a group of grimy beasts dwelling in shacks teeming with horrific life. The creature below who represents you has yellow teeth and crinkled, gray skin. It is always hunched over, its piercing black eyes boring holes with its wicked glare. Its ribs are jagged, seeable through its ripped and filthy clothing. Its hair is always matted and greasy, basically stuck to its scalp, and whenever it speaks, its voice is a menacing growl, throaty and horrid. The streets of your town is lined with decaying trees and the houses are all sagging, barely able to bear the current weight it holds. And the worst part is, it stenches of the worst smells-skunk, curdled milk, sewage, acrid smoke, sweaty socks, and every other aroma imaginable that makes you gag wretchedly or causes tears to glisten in your eyes. Yes, the world below is gruesome and horrifying indeed, all its life forms the somber version of itself in our world. Through those puddles that children so innocently stomp in lies a world so dreary, so evil, and so sinister that there is no possible way for any human to imagine such a place so full of wickedness. But it exists, and is a place to be feared by the entirety of mankind. The ultimate reason is that there is a slim possibility that any person, such as you, could wind up trapped there for the rest of time. And that, my readers, is the reason why only children will venture close to puddles, why only they will jump full force in, and why adults steadily refuse to participate. You see, it is because every one of these horrific mirror images of mankind above bow down to their mighty king. Their king is the worst of the worst, the cruelest of the cruel, the most menacing of the menacing. He sits atop a throne of rotting branches which has piercing thorns jutting out, with the most feared beasts in the land, a pair of snarling white tigers, perched on either side, menacing smirks painted on their snouts day in and day out. This king is almighty, an evil tyrant who feasts on human’s troubles. His people spend their lives trying to appease him. They will do anything to earn his majesty’s approval. And in order for a being below to achieve this, they must do the bidding of their monarch, which solely is to keep him nourished. And, as he devours the problems of people above, his servants must bring trouble-laden humans to him in his majestically vile castle as his feasts. As stated earlier, we humans above see the connecting portals as puddles, created by rain. Rainy days are what make the portals accessible for travel between the two worlds, but while we only see these entrances when it’s stormy, our world is always visible to the realm below, filling their sky. So, you are under watch constantly by a thoroughly disgusting creature, even as you read this. You are always under inspection if you have numerous difficulties on your mind, are being examined closely to see if you’re worthy of becoming their king’s dinner. And when the portals open, and the rain pools in the streets, down below, a wild scuffle is occurring, all of the beings racing to a puddle, searching for a person who is troubled enough to be a proper meal and who also happens to slip a careless foot into the water. When this does happen, part of their leg is thrust through the portal, and screeching creatures below battle for a hold on this unlucky human. They’ll pull with all their might, desperately fighting to bring the person through completely, struggling immensely, as the man or woman is ten times stronger and can barely feel their grasp, most likely assuming it to be a bit of muck. But if they succeed, that poor fellow will wish they were never born. Now, if the beasts are successful, then, down below, the human will be brought to the castle of their king. The person will be examined by the tyrant, and, if deemed acceptable, he will devour all of the problems the particular human ever had, delighting in the sorrow and pain it brings. As the process proceeds, the person will slowly lose all of his features from above, and become one of the creatures who dwell below. Meanwhile, the captor’s features will be replaced by the human’s, resulting in a seemingly complete identity switch. At the end, it will appear that the human is the beast, and the beast is the human. The creature who became a human will be released into the world above, claiming the person’s life, while the human who was sentenced to be a monster will be released into the misery below. The dreadful beast, although appearing to be the human it kidnapped, does not contain the memories of the person, and has to put together the life of its body’s former resident. Most likely, it will adapt without most humans noticing too large of a change, but those that don’t adjust end up filling insane asylums. So, as you walk around this planet, be careful. If I were you, I’d avoid going anywhere near to a puddle. And remember, you are always being watched by another world’s inhabitants who are searching to see if you have become an adult, to see if you encounter major worrying problems. So, do your best to maintain a cheerful expression, as if you still remain a carefree child. I leave you with one last thought-look around you. How many of the people you encounter daily are really dreadful creatures from below? How many are not from here and are really rank beasts who used to dream about snatching you? Who knows? Just always be on your toes, as all of your family could be monsters, and they might be coming for you next.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Wha thappens to the ones not eaten? Great work by the way.
Hate to be someone who chimes in with the general crowd but yes - paragraph breaks! Please edit this story with them. It makes it very hard to read and it also comes out rushed and jumbling. There are no dynamics left.
Apart from that, this seemed like a good piece. It is hard to concentrate on other things because a wall of text can make it hard to focus on other things. The idea was fantastic, and told pretty well throughout. I agree with another author in that you sometimes tell, rather than show. Because of the wall of text it comes across quite fast and direct, like a monologue.
Some have pointed out a few grammatical issues. I will say that with the smells, adding ones like 'sweaty socks' kind of takes away the feel of it all. It seems a lot more silly and comical, when otherwise it seems you're going for a horror feel.
Apart from all that, good work! You have very creative ideas.
Brilliant! Love the idea, love the concept, love the suspense. But, everyone else is right, it needs paragraph breaks. I mean it SERIOUSLY needs paragraph breaks. I could help you a lot more with your grammar, but it's really hard to read the story and pick out individual things, because I just get so lost in it (unfortunately, that's not meant in a particularly good way). Definitely fix the grammar and add paragraph breaks.
Otherwise, I think this story has a lot of potential. This is almost an introduction to a story. You could so easily continue through and write about someone who was switched, or something about that shadow world. There's room for many, many more pieces like this. How did the king get there?
So, basically, just revise it for formatting and grammar and see where you can take it. Happy Writing!
Well first of all, it would help to have paragraphs within the story.
Second, this is by far one of my favorite stories on this site. The completely nutty left turn it took in the middle was absolutely marvelous and I like the concept. However, it suffers from the same problem a lot of short stories have on this site: It "tells rather than shows". By that, I mean that it isn't really much of story, it's more of a concept that you are telling everyone. And while there certainly isn't anything wrong with that, I say that it could at least be expanded upon. Rather than tell us about these creatures, why not tell us the tale of somebody who was unwittingly snatched up by one of these "puddle-men", and relay all of the information from there?
Hello,
I think this is really good and a great idea.
If you were to break it up a little in to paragraphs it would look neater and would be easier to read. Also, I think maybe you are a bit too descriptive about the puddles. I don't really understand what the story is about and you haven't introduced any characters.
But I do think this could be a good story if you work on it. I think it could be a good horror story.
Well done
This definitely needs separate paragraphs, its really confusing because of how easy it is for the reader to lose there place in this piece. It doesn't feel like a story either though more like a strange explanation of why puddles exist. This also, to me, felt really repetitive like you're saying the same kind of things just described differently. Also despite all the of the descriptions, I could not really "see" what you were trying to describe.
However, I do like the idea of puddles leading to alternate dimensions and becoming a monster if you're pulled into it. Overall, I think if you used this as a setting, for maybe a horror or mystery story, it could be really cool.
Hey there! Lucrezia here for a review.
Love the idea, first and foremost. Brilliant! I'll never look at a puddle the same way. O_O
As AEChronicle already noted, the major issue with this piece is a lack of paragraph breaks. Please oh please go back and fix that, will you? Because here's the thing: This story is already awesome, but it'll be ten times more awesome if written with the proper amount of breaks.
I was able to overlook that (rather glaring) fault because of how creative and clever this story was. So imaginative! I've never read anything quite like this, and that's a compliment.
As I said, the idea is genius, and the execution is good too. Once you add paragraph breaks, this'll make for an amazing story, believe me.
Well done and, as Chronicle said before me, keep writing!
If I'm going to be honest, that was weird. But not in an entirely bad way. I don't know how I feel about it. However, as I read it, I was hooked, and wanted to see where you would take it. I liked it, and it was well-written, but I don't think I really 'get' it. I understood what you were getting at just... I don't know. Well done, though.
The only major problem I've got with this piece is the formatting. It isn't a super long piece, but it really needs to be split up into a few paragraphs, just to make it easier for the reader to, well, read. I kept losing my place whenever I scrolled down, and also, a massive chunk of writing like that could be daunting for some readers, who might possibly like it.
Good use of language in here. The descriptions were fantastic, and I really liked the imagery. You created quite an eerie sensation, as you described the monsters below.
Now, for the nitpicks:
I wouldn't say 'participating or not participating' there, because it sounds a bit clumsy. The rest of the writing sits at a pretty good standard, and this doesn't match it. I'd try rewording this whole sentence, because it doesn't quite work.
'Sort of' feels half-hearted here. Maybe 'a type of' would work better, or else just 'portals', because it felt unconvincing, as though you weren't 100% sure yourself.
'Seeable' isn't actually a word (don't worry, I've been there) so try visible.
This should be 'are lined' because streets is plural.
Good imagery, or whatever the smell version of that is, here however stenches isn't a verb. Maybe substitute 'stink' in its place, or swap 'stenches' and 'smells' with each other, that will also make sense. Also, be careful with your hyphens, it should be 'smells'(space)-(space)'skunk'.
'As his feasts' doesn't quite work, maybe 'for his feasts'?
This should be either 'too large a change' or 'too much of a change'.
So, this piece was odd but still good. I'm not going to look at puddles the same way now, though.
That was a highly imaginative and descriptive look at the dark side of what lies around us almost every day. And it is also deeply psychological as well. The thought that we should remain carefree as a child in order to escape being replaced by our darker self is very moving and powerful and sends a great message underneath the story. Likewise, it is full of rich descriptions of what we look like on the other side, or on the inside once we let becoming an adult sour us. There were a couple of grammatical stumbles in the wording here and there if I'm being honest, but absolutely nothing that took away from the enjoyment or the meaning. Great work!
Well...first off, the story is extremely, extremely hard to follow and boring because it's all just one massive paragraph. I lost my place five or six times and had to read through a bunch of it just to find where I hadn't read yet. Before you post anything, you always need to make sure that it's broken up into correct paragraphs, otherwise no one will want to read it, ever.
The premise of the story is interesting, but that's where the interesting part ends and the boring part begins, unfortunately. This isn't really a story, but more of a quick essay or a long explanation you gave to one of your friends about something. There's not a lot of imagery in your writing, and even the descriptions are...un-descriptive.
Please understand that I'm not bashing you or your writing, I'm just giving my honest opinion. But, just because something doesn't come out like we want it, doesn't mean we should trash it. Don't stop writing.
Thank you froth!