z

Young Writers Society



Love Lost

by freewritersavvy


Spoiler! :
This is for understanding purposes. The short story is supposed to portray a hero, who's lover has been poisoned with an irreversible poison. Having no way to save her life, he has to choose between watching her die a pain filled, agonizing death or taking her life quickly thus ending her anguish.

Spoiler! :
I usually write novels not short stories. This is my very first short!

Spoiler! :
As the title 'short' implies, it is very short.

As he picked her up, a scream escaped his lips. “NO! No! This was not supposed to happen!”

She looked up at him, her eyes glowing with pain. Her body convulsed as the poison did its work. She lost all control over her body.

Her lover held her tightly, wishing for any way to ease her suffering. He knew she was dying and there was nothing he could do to stop it. All his knowledge was useless!

“My… love…” She said quietly between convulsions.

Tears filled his eyes, burning like fire.

“Save me, my love. Take my life and let me go in peace.”

“No, no, I will find a way to save you!”

She smiled faintly, “I am dying, and there is no way. Please…” Her last words were lost as another convulsion wracked her body. When she could again speak it was only in a whisper. “The pain is…” She gasped for air.

Tears flowed freely from his eyes, as he kissed her softly, before making his choice.

Spoiler! :
I really am a happy person...most of the time. :(

*This has been edited from its original version. Thank you for reviewing it and I would love your updated opinions.*

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
122 Reviews

Points: 6553
Reviews: 122

Donate
Sun Jun 26, 2011 11:51 pm
ASH1397 wrote a review...



Hello there :)

Well written! :) I think this has alot of potential to be an entire story, like I could see this as a good start to something else.
I don't even know what was with the ending, and I was reeeeally confused by that, so you may want to clear that up ALOT.
Some places in here were really great:

her eyes glowing with pain.

Tears filled his eyes, burning like fire.

Tears flowed freely from his eyes, as he kissed her softly, before making his choice.


I think all of those were very descriptive and held out on the emotion created in the scene. Awesome job!

Some places to work on:
“#FF4000 ">No! No! This was not supposed to happen!”
No caps needed on the get-go of the sentence :)

Otherwise, this was quite intriguing.
let me know if you need anything else reviewed!

--ASH :)




User avatar
72 Reviews

Points: 3376
Reviews: 72

Donate
Thu Jun 23, 2011 10:38 pm
tigershark17 wrote a review...



This is very good; however, you could add a lot more to it. Instead of telling us in the spoiler that she has been poisoned, why not add it into the story? Tell us more about your characters, give us some background. Then create a protagontist and explain why she was poisoned. I hope you will add more! But even if you don't, it was very well done! (:




User avatar
355 Reviews

Points: 2099
Reviews: 355

Donate
Mon May 30, 2011 3:40 pm
LadySpark wrote a review...



hai I am here to review your 'short' story.

Before I start, we need to talk about length, you normally want your short story, to be no-less than 1,000 words. I know, this may have been all you wanted to say, but I think its easy to add words.


“NONo! No! This was not supposed to happen!”

#FF0000 ">okay, all caps? it disrupts the flow of the story, and this early in the game, and in such a short story, You DO NOT want that to happen. (do you see how it makes your brain sort of jolt?) italic it next time.

her eyes glowing with pain

#FF0000 ">nice imaginary! I love it!


Her lover held her tightly, wishing for any way to ease her suffering. He knew she was dying and there was nothing he could do to stop it. All his knowledge was useless#0000FF ">.


#FF0000 ">umm. replace the exclamtion point with a period. Placing an exclmation point there is just like, your trying to add excitment, and it just, once again disrupts the flow.

“My… love…” She said quietly between convulsions.

#FF0000 ">As much as you need words, you also need smilplicty. whispered would have worked just as well as the bolded ^

Tears filled his eyes, burning like fire.

#FF0000 ">Once again, nice imaginary!

Well, I have to say, your format was really nice. You've def got the format down.

Like I said, nice imaginary, but sometimes, you need to just use one where you have two or more.
Also, trying to add excitment with an exclamtion point, doesn't work.
Also, remember to avoid caps. If he was shouting, and I have a feeling he wasn't, it might be okay. But he wasn't. italics are your bestfriends. I hope this review helps you, I'm not trying to be harsh, I just see some much good, that the few little things bothereed me.

Loveness,
Pointe




User avatar
529 Reviews

Points: 30280
Reviews: 529

Donate
Sun May 29, 2011 4:01 pm
xDudettex wrote a review...



Hey there!

I clicked on this because it has the same title as a song I love by the Temper Trap. That aside though, I think this has potential. You have a good plot, as far as he has to make a horrible choice, knowing that he can't save her. I do, however, think this has loads of room for improvement. I think you have loads of room for added description. When you say that she convulses, here -

Her body convulsed as the poison did its work. She lost all control over her body.


- I think you could add in more description so that the reader can really imagine how she looks. Do her eyes roll backwards? Do her legs twitch? Her arm flail about in the air? It'll just help the reader imagine the scene a little more and it'll also make the whole situation seem even more heart-breaking as we get to read exactly what the man is seeing.

She said quietly


'She' should be 'she'

***

So,I'd like to see you add in more descriptions and maybe some thoughts from the man, like, 'This isn't fair.' or 'Why couldn't it be me instead of her?' It'l help to reinforce to the reader that he really does love her.

Also, I want to know how the poison got into her system and why? Was it an evil witch? Did she eat bad food? etc At the moment, the whole poison thing seems to come out of nowhere. You could just have him thinking something like - 'I told her not to eat that apple' - okay, so I stole that from Snow White :P But you get the idea.

Really all I want to see you do is flesh it out a bit. Then, you should have an awesome yet heartbreaking story because at the moment, I find it hard to care that she's dying as I don't know anything about either of the characters.

I hope this helps and I don't sound harsh - I just want to see this piece at its best :)

xDudettex




User avatar


Points: 1066
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sun May 29, 2011 6:05 am
Aastha says...



The idea was great. I loved it. It is the ultimate tragedy.




User avatar
52 Reviews

Points: 1040
Reviews: 52

Donate
Sat May 28, 2011 11:03 pm
halogirl4197 wrote a review...



I liked it :). The idea should have been made a story! I didn't really get it though, this short section I mean. I read the spoiler after I read it and I sort of understood. What kind of hero is the dude? And how was she poisoned. You should have made a battle scene for this excerpt! :D And people could rate on how descriptive it was and the dialog! :D I think you're great! :D




User avatar
90 Reviews

Points: 3820
Reviews: 90

Donate
Tue May 03, 2011 10:57 pm
freewritersavvy says...



I just edited this so.... tell me what you think!




User avatar
270 Reviews

Points: 5081
Reviews: 270

Donate
Tue May 03, 2011 7:07 pm
fireheartedkaratepup wrote a review...



I hit the "Happy" button on the poll just to annoy you. XD

Overall, this was pretty good. It's needs some polishing, though, so I'm gonna get into that.

As he picked her up#FF0000 ">, a scream escaped his lips.

Needs a comma, I think.



The poison had done its work. She had no control over her body. She went into convulsions.

You have three fragments in quick succession, here. I understand why, but you need to try combining them, somehow. Maybe something like: "The poison had done its work-- she had no control over her body, and her body began convulsing."
I'm not sure that's the best way to do it (I use hyphens a lot :P) but it needs to be more like that and less. like. this.



[...]wishing for any way to ease her suffering#FF0000 ">-- she was dying#FF0000 ">, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

...yeah, I definitely use too many hyphens sometimes. '
My point was, you have more short sentences here. Try combining at least two sentences. (Maybe the hyphen could go at the end of the last sentence in this quote? :P)

Also, "Anyway" is only used if you're saying, "Anyway, I wanted to tell you..." If you're saying "She wanted it any way she could get it," you never combine the two words.



“My love,” She said quietly between convulsions.

One way you could indicate that she's struggling for breath would be to put an ellipse between "My" and "love". For instance, "My.... love..."



Her last words were lost as her body again convulsed. When she could again speak it was only in a whisper.

You use "again" twice in the same sentence. Try to vary it up a little bit.




He kissed her softly on the lips before…

I understand that you're trying to convey, by the trailing off into silence, that she dies.

However, it leaves the reader hanging. Try adding another sentence, afterwards. Something like: "Sobbing, he he cradled her in his arms."

Okay, that wasn't a good attempt, but something like that. Still trailing off, but summing things up for the reader.




User avatar
106 Reviews

Points: 1626
Reviews: 106

Donate
Sat Apr 30, 2011 6:43 pm
Funkymomo wrote a review...



It was pretty dramatic, and don't be offended, a bit cliche. A twist happening in there would liven the story up a bit, but to me at least, it's just "oh no she's dying." There's nothing to make it more interesting. Short stories should be short, but short doesn't usually mean that short. You can add to it by giving the characters names, adding more explaination, ending it, adding a flashback, and more ways.

Hope I helped!




User avatar
151 Reviews

Points: 4674
Reviews: 151

Donate
Sat Apr 30, 2011 12:19 am
Amfliflier wrote a review...



The short story is supposed to portray a hero, who's lover has been poisoned with an irreversible poison. Having no way to save her life, he has to choose between watching her die a pain filled, agonizing death or taking her life quickly thus ending her anguish.


So, he chose watching her die painfully? Okayyyyy... I was confused at the beginning, but this explanation helped. Don't be offended, but this didn't change my emotion one bit. But don't worry, I'm the kind of person that only cries if an animal dies. ;) Nice job with this story, but you should make a prequel type thing, saying what happened before!




User avatar
90 Reviews

Points: 3820
Reviews: 90

Donate
Thu Apr 28, 2011 4:18 pm
freewritersavvy says...



Spoiler! :
The short story is supposed to portray a hero, who's lover has been poisoned with an irreversible poison. Having no way to save her life, he has to choose between watching her die a pain filled, agonizing death or taking her life quickly thus ending her anguish.


This is for understanding purposes.

~FW~




User avatar
31 Reviews

Points: 1838
Reviews: 31

Donate
Thu Apr 28, 2011 1:55 pm
kjr5horses wrote a review...



You know when you wrote this we were both in a.....sad mood...

Every time I read this it makes me cry and think of those two characters....this better NOT actually happen....

Overall, well done, I like how its supposed to be confusing as its a short story that's in the middle of everything...good job...




Random avatar

Points: 2647
Reviews: 313

Donate
Thu Apr 28, 2011 1:25 pm
TylynRae wrote a review...



I'm not sure how I feel about this. You have everything you need to make a story. Characters, background, plot, problem and so forth, which is great. I'm just not a huge fan of the style. But that's just me. =] I think its well written and its a difficult feat to have a well written story in such short form. (Like you said, it's short!) But it was well written. =] Nice job.




User avatar
178 Reviews

Points: 652
Reviews: 178

Donate
Thu Apr 28, 2011 5:15 am
Paracosm says...



Good job! This was written very well, I just didn't get it!





Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury