my life story

Hi there!

I really hope that this isn't really your life story. It has to be just a story, it just has to be. Anyway, I'm going to think of it as a story and review it that way.

This isn't a bad start. You've got a great idea here and a solid character. Actually, come to think of it, I know next to nothing about this character. But I feel sorry for her so that's really all I need. Emotion can go a far way in a story and you did a good job putting emotion into this. I'm impressed.

I'd go on and comment about your spelling and grammar, but the others seem to have done a good job with that so I won't bother. I always like to read over my stuff two, three times looking for errors. It helps me and I'm sure it'll help you find your mistakes too.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

If there is anything at all to say about this story, than it is that you need to check your spelling. There are a lot of errors. You didn't put capital letters in certain places and you used improper grammar in most places. Other than that, this story is perfect. It is not strange to me that you would write a story about a very young girl who was raped. I want to encourage you to make this a series of a short stories. If that appeals to you. This is a very good story and it should not have discouraged you to write this.

I don't know if this is meant to be based on your actual experiences or not, but you posted this in the short story section so I'm gonna critique this as if it's a short story.

First of all I appreciate the attempt to address such a heavy subject in your writing. Rape is one of those things that people tend to avoid addressing directly in fiction because it so often ends up being trivialized. Unfortunately I feel like that's exactly what happened in this case. You touched on all the usual tropes about rape without actually saying anything new about them. I say this not to be mean, but as an author who has also incorporated some of the less than pleasant experiences of his childhood in his writing. And as such the last thing I would want is for the worst experience of my life to become trivialized like a daytime television drama.

My suggestions for improvement:
Show the readers what these characters were like before the rape occurred. This gives the story an air of contrast. Contrast is necessary if you're going to give the reader a sense of what's at stake for the narrator, and more importantly what was lost.

All that stuff about karma at the end, get rid of it. Not only does it come across as typical petty comeuppance, but it neutralizes the conflict entirely. Rape is unfair. Child abuse is unfair. There is no place for anything as cliched as karma or just deserts in a story about such a terrible crime, not if you want your readers to empathize with the narrator.

Now I get the feeling that you might be saying something like, "but that's how it really happened." If that's the case then this is nonfiction and not a short story. But even if that is the case you still need to come across as sympathetic to the reader. I mean, that part at the end about the cousin's son. Do you really want to imply to your reader that the little boy deserves to get cancer because of what his father did? That's not a good way to make your character more sympathetic.

Also, the part about the cousin drugging the other people in their rooms. I found that a bit difficult to believe. That's not to say it isn't plausible, but with so few details given to us it's hard to imagine. You need to elaborate, to show your reader what happened so our minds have something to work with. As it stands right now this story is all tell and no show.

There's only so much I can say I'm one post about this type of topic. If you want to learn more I suggest you read my blog: blog/BadNarrator/on_terribly_dire_writing_b-57283.html
I think you'll find it useful for improving your writing further.

Hope this was helpful. Don't stop writing.

Psst. You might want to put a trigger warning at the start of this piece