in that night

Hello,
Here's my review:

I understand you're new at this and I have to say, your idea is nice.
Basically, you have an interesting plot. However, the style, grammar and description and everything else needs work.

However, here are a few pointers to help you write more effectively:

Paragraph: This is a powerful tool that creates an air of organization and refinement to your work. Most users - like me - usually get discouraged when a piece of writing is clogged up like this.
APPROPRIATE SPACING IS REQUIRED TO ATTRACT READERS.

Description: Writing is all about the ability to describe scenes, feelings and situations in a way that readers are able to visualize well. What you wrote does not describe anything...not the characters, not the conditions, not the setting.
DESCRIBE EVERYTHING SUFFICIENTLY

Grammar: This is also a major feature of writing. The ability to NOT confuse the readers with incorrect spellings and punctuation. I can spot about 19 grammatical errors...in the first 10 lines alone.
CHECK FOR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS BEFORE PUBLISHING

The advice I give to everyone who writes:
ALWAYS READ WHAT OTHERS WRITE..

Reading both professional and amateur works of literature is the best way to help you write more efficiently. By reading more, you attain knowledge of what is right and wrong in literature.
Watching movies is also a very effective way of gaining knowledge to apply in writing. 70% of the expressions and figures of speech I know are sourced from movies.

Hope this helps.

Um....sounds and looks like it was written by a fourth-grader. Please edit edit edit edit! It is very hard to read because of improper punctuation no line breaks and hardly to no capitalization. Plus it was a boring plot. Sorry but its true

Hey, freedomgirl! I see you've been with us a week. Welcome to YWS if I haven't already said so~

The first thing you need to do before you post works on here, though, is edit, proof-read, spell-check. Every person who is going to leave you a review is doing so with their own free time. No one is paid to give you advice. No one gets any of the time they spend on you back, and so don't you want to get the most efficient, most useful advice from the moments they spend with you? If every reader came in here and just corrected your punctuation, there would be no time left to tell you what they thought of the actual text. Not to mention, other than the benefits it brings to you, it's respectful to give out your best work -- it shows the other members of YWS that you care about them enough to properly punctuate and capitalize your writing before you show it to them.

As for the material of this piece, it feels like you got to the point where the story is starting and decided to end it. What happens when this girl's parents come home? Can they just accept that she found a random baby outside? And why does she think it's okay to take a baby in? I know this happens in a lot of stories set in the past -- like people can't take care of their baby so they leave them on door steps -- but these days moms can drop them off in front of hospitals so the hospitals have to take care of them or something like that. Why would this mom leave it in front of a random suburb-ian house? And why would this little girl know anything about babies? Is she holding it right?

It's hard to believe, but if you spent more time thinking about how the characters would react -- how would YOU act if you actually found a baby squirming in front of your door? Would you yell out into the night? Leave it there while you ran around your yard with a flashlight looking for the mom? Would you pick it up? What if it smelled bad? What if it had gone to the bathroom in whatever it was wrapped in? What if it did that while you were waiting for your parents to come home? What would you do? This is where the story starts. Go further. Be more careful with your writing. Think about it.

PM me or send me a wall-post if you have any questions or comments.

Good luck.

Hi there, Freedomgirl!

I'm not quite sure where to start, actually. I think I'll start from the technical bits and then comment on the actual story.

Okay, so when you look at this story and any book that you have in hand, you will notice a big difference. That is, line breaks. Now, I'm not sure whether this is because of YWS's occasional failure to format a story properly, and if so, I apologise in advance for commenting on it. But the truth is, you can't expect many people to even start reading a story without line breaks. It really hurts the reader's eyes if the whole story is in one big chunk, especially if they have to read it on a computer screen.

Another big issue is punctuation. If you look at your story, you'll notice that there are very many sentences separated only by commas, when normally there would be at least a few periods in between. This also makes the reading process more difficult, because it's hard to perceive the meaning of the sentences when they're made to look really busy with all the commas. You also have to remember to hit the space bar after every comma and period (but not before them).

To demonstrate what the points above, let me take a few lines of your story and add the line breaks/correct punctuation:

In that night I was alone - my parents were gone to spend their holiday wedding anniversary in Paris. I was happy because they left me all by myself. I thought they gave me two weeks of freedom, and it was my opportunity to do what I want, but I was wrong.

So here I am in my room talking with my two best friends on the phone, making jokes and laughing and then the door rang. It was weird because I didn’t invite anyone and it was late, very late.