Published August 26, 2009
Locked in a cage of gold and diamonds,
oblivious to the voices of those who died trying to find them.
I see others soaring free
above clouds in the rich taste of the sunset
They look down,giving me looks of pity
not knowing I have no need to be free
eyes not wanting to see what they see.
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,533 Reviews
Hey there, I like this I really do.
I dont have much to say except to keep up the good work.
Hello, Roon here! I like this very much! I will start with nitpicks:
Okay, you need to make use of capital letters and actual punctuation. I could punctuate it for you, but I think it would be more beneficial if you did. Imagine it as a normal piece of writing, not poetry, is this how you would punctuate it? Also I think you should split the poem into stanzas.
Other than that, you have a really great idea. You take something that could turn into a cliche, and make it wonderful! Well done. The mood of the poem is perfect. My favourite line is the last one. It is just honest and simple. I think you could use a central metaphor with an idea like this though, to really tie the poem up together. Though, the imagery is beautiful in itself, so you may want to save the main metaphor idea for later!
Thank you for posting, and thank you for your time!
~ Roon
Now this is a lovely poem free2be!
I like the imagery you put in this.
Grammar:
Though there are no grammar errors. You have to revise.
I really like the last line. I really enjoyed this. It was nicely written.
The one thing you should really work on is formatting and revision of your poetry to make sure there are no errors/typos.
Hope this helped you out!
Kamas