Published February 10, 2011
My compass has blood. My eyes have tears. Your face is in my mind. Then, another tear falls. My heart cracks. My body gets colder. My breathing gets fast. The crack gets larger. My breathing slower. The crack got to my whole heart. The tears stop. The breathing stops. My eyes close. The blood drips to the floor.
~Shanyn Beckham
(I know its not the best, any help?) and if you were confused i used my compass to cut.
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I'm going to assume this is about utter heartbreak taking its toll. Very sad, yet very easy to relate. Trust me.
I suggest making this into a poem.
Also, this line is VERY awkward, whether it's for a story or a poem.
How about, "The crack opens my heart", or something along those lines. Keeping it short like the rest of the sentences before and after continues the flow of the piece.
I did like this piece, and would like to read anything you edit. Keep writing.
~Panda;;
First off, it was very choppy and it would've been a much better read had this been formatted as a poem, not a paragraph.
Even knowing the significance of your compass, I don't like the opening line; it doesn't get me.
Also, keeping with the whole feel and style of your poem, in the line "The crack gets larger and larger", you should take out the second "larger" to make this sound better.
There's not much else I can say. This definately has some potential.
Keep writing!
-Alex