My heart splits in half every time i think about you. It aches and yearns for you, waiting for you to come back. I sit in this bed and think about all the times we shared together, wondering what went wrong?
I knew i loved you, from the very first hello to the goodbye that was never said.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello there.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
Apart from being very vague and confusing, as Iggy mentioned, I found this cliche.
A broken heart is something everyone has suffered, and really, I've heard way too much about hearts splitting in half. Heartache is another thing I've heard too much about. Also the sentiment of wondering what happened that went wrong. Also love at first sight.
You need to find new ways of showing old concepts. You are sad that this person is gone (are they gone? It never says), but all you really do is say, "I am sad! Come back! What happened? I always loved you!" But you need to show us in a new way.
The thing is, we don't know why you are sad. Reasons for being sad allow the reader to be sympathetic rather than apathetic. Show us why you are sad instead of telling us about it.
I hope that this short review proves helpful to you. Have a nice day.
Hey! XD
This was great hard to read because of the formatting, and also because I quickly realised that this was going to be very depressing. Aside from that I analysed it and enjoyed it.
It is very relatable but also very cliche: "My heart splits in half every time i think about you. It aches and yearns for you, waiting for you to come back."
I don't know what inspired this work, but it's a very interesting concept.
I am a little bit confused about the ending.
I assume this means that the couple stay together?
Although your avatar would suggest otherwise. XD
Hello! Always nice to see an older member around.
welcome back~
Okay, so there are some technicalities like I's not being capitalized, but since this is classified under "other", it's not necessary that you fix them. I think you should, since this isn't a poem and looks more like a short story than anything else, but whatever floats your boat.
One quick thing to fix:
On*
Okay. So this is obviously something very close to your heart, right? I can sense a lot of emotion in this. However, I can't connect to it, since there's so much missing. Clarification, for example. You never define whether this boy is the narrator's lover or not. Nor do you tell us why he's gone. And how about the names? And the relationship between these two. It could be anything: two siblings, child and parent, lovers, etc.
There's a lot of missing blanks and therefore it's hard for the reader to form a bond with the story. I don't feel anything while reading this, just confusion and annoyance at being left in the dark. There's so much more you can do with this, so I encourage you to expand this. Write more. Include details and imagery and description and emotions and just stuff for us to absorb and understand.
I hope this helps.
~Iggy