Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Romantic

E - Everyone

Hello and Goodbye

by freakgirl508


My heart splits in half every time i think about you. It aches and yearns for you, waiting for you to come back. I sit in this bed and think about all the times we shared together, wondering what went wrong?

I knew i loved you, from the very first hello to the goodbye that was never said.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
861 Reviews


Points: 28996
Reviews: 861

Donate
Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:21 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello there.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

Apart from being very vague and confusing, as Iggy mentioned, I found this cliche.

A broken heart is something everyone has suffered, and really, I've heard way too much about hearts splitting in half. Heartache is another thing I've heard too much about. Also the sentiment of wondering what happened that went wrong. Also love at first sight.

You need to find new ways of showing old concepts. You are sad that this person is gone (are they gone? It never says), but all you really do is say, "I am sad! Come back! What happened? I always loved you!" But you need to show us in a new way.

The thing is, we don't know why you are sad. Reasons for being sad allow the reader to be sympathetic rather than apathetic. Show us why you are sad instead of telling us about it.

I hope that this short review proves helpful to you. Have a nice day.




User avatar
530 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 530

Donate
Wed Apr 23, 2014 8:04 pm
Renard wrote a review...



Hey! XD

This was great hard to read because of the formatting, and also because I quickly realised that this was going to be very depressing. Aside from that I analysed it and enjoyed it. :)

It is very relatable but also very cliche: "My heart splits in half every time i think about you. It aches and yearns for you, waiting for you to come back."
I don't know what inspired this work, but it's a very interesting concept.
I am a little bit confused about the ending.
I assume this means that the couple stay together?
Although your avatar would suggest otherwise. XD




User avatar
933 Reviews


Points: 4311
Reviews: 933

Donate
Wed Apr 23, 2014 7:47 pm
View Likes
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello! Always nice to see an older member around. :) welcome back~

Okay, so there are some technicalities like I's not being capitalized, but since this is classified under "other", it's not necessary that you fix them. I think you should, since this isn't a poem and looks more like a short story than anything else, but whatever floats your boat.

One quick thing to fix:

I sit in this bed


On*


Okay. So this is obviously something very close to your heart, right? I can sense a lot of emotion in this. However, I can't connect to it, since there's so much missing. Clarification, for example. You never define whether this boy is the narrator's lover or not. Nor do you tell us why he's gone. And how about the names? And the relationship between these two. It could be anything: two siblings, child and parent, lovers, etc.

There's a lot of missing blanks and therefore it's hard for the reader to form a bond with the story. I don't feel anything while reading this, just confusion and annoyance at being left in the dark. There's so much more you can do with this, so I encourage you to expand this. Write more. Include details and imagery and description and emotions and just stuff for us to absorb and understand.

I hope this helps.

~Iggy





Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.
— Emily Dickenson