Past- November 28, 2023
Aspen Shay Ortiz
“You need to eat breakfast.”
I roll my eyes, looking back at my phone, “Catalina, no. We are not having the same argument four days in a row.”
She shrugs, “I’ll keep arguing every day until you give in and eat breakfast like a normal person.”
“‘Like a normal person? Seriously?”
A loud laugh erupts from the speakers, “Sorry, you know what I mean. Whether you’re ‘normal’ or a ‘rarity’, breakfast is still the day’s most important meal.”
“If you want to find a way to sneak in here and make me breakfast, go for it, otherwise, we’re dropping this conversation.”
I didn’t even have to look at the screen to know she rolled her eyes, able to feel it on my skin, “Aspen, I swear, sometimes, I just want to backhand you. One good time.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
Silence…
“That’s what I thought.”
Catalina grimaces, rolling her eyes, “Shut it. Also, if I were you, I’d check the time, you’re going to be late.”
My eyes quickly flick to the top of my screen, “Ah, shit. Alright, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay, yeah, I’ll talk to-”
I quickly end the call upon hearing the familiar sound of a lock unlocking. The sound of footsteps follows soon after, prompting me to act fast. In a rush, I grab the phone, shut it down, and carefully wrap the earphones around it. As footsteps grow louder, I immediately leave the bed, kneeling beside the open floorboard. I gently place the phone inside the rose gold box at the bottom of the floorboard. With relief, I set the board back in its place just as a shadow looms over my shoulder.
“What exactly are you doing, Aspen?”
With a swift motion, I immediately stood up and placed the rug back in its original position. “Oh, nothing, Ms,” I state, maybe too confidently, “Just had a slight bump under the rug.”
She raises an eyebrow, her arms crossed over her chest, “Uh-huh, right…You need to get to school, Aspen.”
“I know, Ms. I’m going.”
“Hurry, you’re going to be late, again. I don’t have enough ration paper to get you out of RDC. And don’t forget, keep your sunglasses on.”
I grab my bag off the bed, pushing my sunglasses further up my nose, before I move between her and the doorway, “I know, I know. I won’t forget, and I won’t be late.”
Ms. Melanie is leaning against the doorway, gripping her arm tightly. Her knuckles turn white as she says, “You’d better go.” She then straightens up and walks down the dim hallway. As soon as I hear the sound of her lock, I finally move. I quickly make my way down the creaky stairs, passing the kitchen. I grab one of the bright green apples on the counter and head to the front door. As I turn, I notice my familiar leather gloves underneath my hoodie. With a sigh, I grab the gloves and stick them into the closest pocket. If we get caught, she’s getting the blame.
As I stepped outside, I saw the officers walking around, their guns held tightly in their arms. I locked eyes with a tall, slightly chubby officer, and felt goosebumps run up my arm, even though he couldn’t see my eyes behind my glasses. Shuffling under his gaze, I tightened my grip on the apple I was holding and began walking towards the abomination the government called a school. I wished for nothing more than to throw the apple right at the officer. Of course, it wouldn’t do much damage, but I still wish I could.
I looked back and saw the beige tower, the only place in the square with a clock. I hastened my pace, as I only had fifteen minutes to reach my class, but I still had a twenty-five-minute walk ahead of me. I began to run, as I didn’t want to risk being late. I pushed past all the couples who were taking up the sidewalk. People stopped and watched me run, even looking behind me to see if I was running from someone. Finally, I made it to the school doors with just a minute left. I quickly rushed through the hallway, hoping to make it in time for the roll call. I reached the last door in the hall, just in time.
As I opened the door, it squeaked loudly and everyone turned to look at me. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I went to the back of the room. My teacher, Mrs. Enelle, was in the middle of calling out the list of students, and fortunately, I was at the end of the list.
“Aspen Ortiz?”
“Present,” I said as I sat at my graffiti-covered desk. Mrs. Enelle continued calling out names while I waited for further instructions. Sitting beside Amelia looks at me with raised eyebrows, but I waved her off. As I waited, lost in thought, a ball of notebook paper hit me on the side of my head.
Amelia suddenly kicked out her leg as I reached over to the desk to pick up the piece of paper. I looked up and tossed the paper back in her direction, wondering what she wanted. She threw the paper back at me and pointed at its crumpled surface. I slowly opened it and read the message: “What’s going on with you lately? This is the fourth time you’ve nearly been late. Also, are you going to eat that apple?”
I looked up at her, I didn’t know how to explain it to her. Reading my face, her shoulders dropped. I dug through my bag, searching for my pencil. Once I found it, I grabbed a crumpled paper and wrote, “I’ll try to explain later.” I then leaned across my desk to place the paper and an apple on my colleague’s desk. As she took a bite of the apple, she opened the paper. However, she rolled her eyes and placed the paper at the bottom of her bag, continuing to eat without further comment.
“Pay attention! Today we need to go over the new regulations for the square.”
At the same moment, Amelia and I exchanged glances. Undoubtedly, the new regulations will make things more challenging around here.
“Alright, first-Amnor! Enough. You’re going to catch the entire building on fire. Put it out. "
Amnor sighs, extinguishing the flames from his fingertips, “Sorry, Mrs Enelle.”
Grunting Mrs. Enelle turned back to the chalkboard, writing what she deemed, the most important rules of the new regulation, in bold.
‘CURFEW: 9:30 P.M’
‘THE MORNING SHIFT BEGINS AT 8:45 A.M’
And of course, as always:
‘NO ONE IS TO LEAVE THE SQUARE PREMISES AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT’
The people in the room groaned when they heard the news that the curfew and morning shift would change. Feeling frustrated, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down my thoughts. I expressed my concerns about how the changes would make it difficult for people to survive unless there was an increase in pay or ration paper. After folding the paper as small as possible, I threw it on Amelia’s desk.
Through the corner of my eye, I observed her movements as she scribbled something on a crumpled paper. Her eyes darted back and forth warily, keeping an eye on Mrs. Enelle as she rummaged through her old, worn-out desk. The room was silent except for rustling papers and the occasional creaking of the old wooden chair.
Suddenly, Mrs. Enelle’s attention was drawn to a bright, colorful paper in front of her, and at that moment, Amelia quickly tossed the crumpled paper back to me, almost as if she was playing a game of catch.‘I know. It’s all I’m going to hear about when I get home. I love being sixteen and worrying about our financial problems.
I threw back the paper on the table in frustration, “At least you have someone to talk to. I’d rather talk to my walls than attempt to talk to Ms. Melanie.” The room was silent except for the sound of Amelia chuckling. Her inability to stay quiet caught Mrs. Enelle’s attention, causing her to turn around and give us a stern look.
“Amelia Van-Harper, what are you reading?” she asked slowly, causing every student in the class to turn toward us.
“I, uh…I…”
Mrs. Enelle walked to the back of the room, standing between Amelia and me.
“Give me the paper,” she said firmly, leaving no room for discussion.
“Mrs. Enelle, we were just discussing the new regulations. They’re going to cause a lot of problems.” Amelia attempted to talk her way out of a situation, but Mrs. Enelle seemed unconvinced. Mrs. Enelle raised her eyebrows in response and extended her hand towards Amelia. With a heavy sigh, Amelia reluctantly handed over the paper. Mrs. Enelle returned to her desk while folding her fingers around the paper.
With her back turned to us, I couldn’t resist laughing, even though I tried hard to control myself. My laughter intensified when I made eye contact with Amelia, but I put my head down, hoping to stifle it.
Beside me, I heard a whisper, “It’s not that funny, Aspen. You need to shut up.” There was a slight chuckle in the voice.
I raised my head and put my hand over my mouth, gesturing with my other hand to wait. I slowed my breathing, smiled, and removed my hand from my face.
Suddenly, Mrs. Enelle spoke up, addressing me by name. “Ortiz! Am I going to need to separate you two?” she sneered.
I shook my head quickly and lowered my gaze. “No, Mrs. Enelle. I apologize.” But as I did, my glasses fell off my face before I could react. In an instant, I felt my power surge within me. I locked eyes with Mrs. Enelle, and a wave of angry voices surrounded me. Her power coursed through me like an electric current.
Feeling as though something had hit me hard on the back of my head, I struggled to regain my composure and get everything under control. Luckily, Amelia came to my rescue just in time. She was able to find my glasses and put them back on me before I absorbed all of Mrs. Enelle’s power.
As the surge of energy subsided, my body went cold. Amelia wrapped her arms around me and I held on to her tightly. When I looked up, I saw that all eyes were on me. No one seemed to have noticed Mrs. Enelle fall to the floor. I gently removed Amelia’s arms and quickly exited my seat to check on Mrs. Enelle.
“Mrs. Enelle? Mrs. Enelle, please wake up.” I shook her gently. Amelia had followed me to the front of the room, and I looked up at her. “Please go and get someone to help us,” I urged her.
“But Aspen, they might not understand the situation,” she hesitated.
“I know, but just look at her! We need to do something quickly,” I said with urgency. After glancing at Mrs. Enelle, Amelia ran out of the room to get help.
As I sit on the ground, helpless and unsure what to do, Amnor kneels beside me and offers assistance, “How can I help?”
I shake my head, indicating my uncertainty. I had no clue what I was to do, and I could only hope Amelia returned quickly. Suddenly, a loud and jarring alarm sounds through the entire square, causing Amnor and myself to jump in surprise. We look around, trying to identify the source of the commotion and what it could mean. Our eyes meet, and we both share the same question, “What the hell is that?”
Standing up slowly, I searched the room. Students were now out of their seats, trying to look out of the boarded-up windows. I opened the door and looked into the hallway, teachers were standing like I was. Amelia stood in the middle of the hallway with two guards, talking into their radios. I rush to her side, “What’s happening?”
She appeared bewildered and asked the guard, “What’s going on?”
Jumping into action, the guards grab their handguns from their holsters, having them ready as they both begin to yell out commands, “Get in the classrooms. Now! No one is to leave the building without authorization!”
I quickly find Amelia’s arm, tugging as I lead her back to the classroom, “Come on, Millie.” She doesn’t say anything, giving me a small nod as she follows.
Opening the classroom door, I push Amelia in first. Fixating on the room, my eyes instinctively fell to where Mrs. Enelle had been lying. She was no longer lying on the floor but sat against her desk, a bottle of water in hand. I hesitantly step closer, kneeling a few feet away from her, “Mrs. Enelle? Are you alright?”
Seeing me, she stood, setting the water bottle on her desk. “I’m fine, Aspen. You need to learn how to control your power”
I sigh, my cheeks reddening, “I-I know, Mrs.-”
“Just.. sit down. All of you. Take a seat, I’ll try and figure out what is going on.” She cuts me off and walks to the door, but Amelia quickly stops her.
“Guards told us to remain in our classrooms.”
Mrs. Enelle hesitated, she turned back to her desk and sat. “Then we will wait for word from the guards. Until then, we should… I was going to say resume class but with that alarm, I doubt anyone will be able to focus.”
As she spoke, we walked back to our seats, sitting, I turned to Amelia, “What do you think is going on?”
“Honestly? I have no idea… If it were something awful, they’d move us. Right?”
“Would they?”
She grimaced, running a hand through her hair, “Probably not.”
As I turn in my seat, the classroom door opens. A guard stands in the doorway, “Everyone is to go to the front of the square. Wait for further instructions there.”
The air hung still as everyone froze in unison, and the guard bellowed in irritation. “Move, now!”
Everyone shuffles into the thin halls, I watch those around me closely. Some slowed as they approached the guards, hoping to figure out the slightest information, while others dropped their heads as they walked out of the building. Amelia and I walked side by side, our arms brushing against each other as we tried not to lose each other in the bustling crowd.
I stopped and looked around as we exited the building, taking in the new surroundings. People were jostling and pushing each other, although there was plenty of space to move around without bumping into anyone.
Some families walked together, kids holding their hands over their ears, trying their best to block out the obnoxious sound. Many shivered from the air, wrapping their arms tightly around their bodies for warmth.
As we pass the building I call ‘home’, I realize we had already been walking for twenty-five minutes. I stare over my shoulder, through the cloudy window, wondering about Ms. Melanie’s whereabouts. Amelia’s voice blocked the thought.
“They need to give us some sort of transportation.” she shivers beside me.
“Yeah,” I chuckled, “they do. At least it’s only a few more moments.”
“A few moments? After a few more moments of walking, we must stand for how long?” She whined.
“Awe. Poor baby.” I patted her on the shoulder.
“Fuck off.” She shoved my hand away.
Laughing, I dropped my hand, slowing as the people before me did. I stood on my tiptoes, taking in my surroundings. At the front stood three guards, each holding their guns close, watching wearily. Dropping back onto my feet, I turned around, staring at the large crowd still making its way to the square. I turn back around, bouncing on my toes, impatiently.
We stood for another five minutes before the tallest guard spoke, “Attention! We need your full attention as it,” He waved a hand towards the sky, “isn’t the easiest time to focus. " He paused dramatically, “Regarding the alarm, there has been an uncontrolled situation outside of the square. It’s undetermined what is happening, but until we have word on how to act, we have been instructed to ensure each Rarity and their family members are accounted for. Everyone is to return to their own homes, we will begin check-in, shortly after.” He and the rest of the guards turned in different directions, navigating people back to their homes.
Every house in the locality was assigned a unique number, and each ‘homeowner’s’ house number was determined alphabetically based on their last name. After approximately thirty minutes, we heard a knock on our door. To our surprise, Ms. Melanie, usually confined to her room, opened the door.
Behind the door, was a young, obviously new, guard, “Melanie Marques?”
Raising her hand, she responds, “That’s me.”
“Okay, and is… Aspen Or-…Ortiz, here?” he asked, looking up confused as he read the two last names.
Ms. Melanie rolls her eyes and opens the door slightly to reveal me. “She’s right here,” she says, accustomed to his reaction.
He saw me and tapped his tablet, “Okay, then we’re done.”
“Al! Let’s go. House 87. Some boy,” another guard yelled from the sidewalk.
Al, the guard at our door, turned and quickly walked to the others. Ms. Melanie wasted no time in closing the door. She looked me up and down, said nothing, and walked to the kitchen. I followed her like a lost dog and stood awkwardly against the door frame. “I had an incident today,” I finally managed to say.
Ms. Melanie looked up from the glass of water she had just poured, she raised her eyebrows, “Hmm?”
I nervously folded my arms and said, “My glasses slipped. It affected Mrs. Enelle…But, she was fine, I don’t think I took too much of her power.” I looked down.
“Who lives in house 87?” She ignored me, turning and putting her cup in the sink.
“Uh… Zach Patel and his mother.”
“What’s his power?”
“Something to do with tech, I think. Why?”
She shrugs, keeping her back towards me and staring out the window above the sink, “Missing kid, crazy alarm. This place is out of sorts, but this… this is… weirder than anything that has happened here before..”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there! I’m Roxanne and I’m here with a review for your prologue :]
Starting with saying that this is a very fascinating piece with a dystopian core and there’s a lot going on already. You’ve already done a great job revealing that dystopian setting without too much info at once ^^ but rather with the sunglasses, the difference that is being created between a ‘normal’ person and a ‘rarity’, as well as with the guards.
The beginning is quite interesting already and starting it with a dialogue introduces us to the characters. I do wonder why Aspen didn’t want to eat breakfast, if it was somehow related to her powers or just an internal protest. Catalina does not appear in this chapter anymore, except for the beginning, so her role in the story is somewhat a ‘mystery’ -- especially since there isn’t much info on her. I would suggest adding some bits of information about who she actually is, but if that comes later in your plot, this is fine too!
The fact that Aspen does not live with any family members, but with someone named Ms Melanie, imo raises questions, which at the same time adds to the intrigue ^^ I would say there are some things that could use some more background information, for example, the origin of powers or how they exactly work is still a bit foggy. This part, for instance
Here I see more of Aspen’s power and what it does already, but there is not much said about it anymore.
Also, her powers are prettyy cool ;D She can somehow absorb the powers of others (perhaps not always with that specific intention) it makes me think that there must be something either really amazing or just really dangerous ahead.
Another thing that I find a somewhat confusing is the role of all the people. Are they colleagues or students? These following parts state two different things. it seems more likely to be the latter with the use of the words ‘teacher’ and ‘school’, but would suggest adding some clarity here.
Lastly, you’ve ended it quite dramatically and I love it! Cliffhanger, so you definitely made it all the more interesting. And hinting at his power (something with tech) creates a question with an answer that I think we’ll get in the following chapters. He’s missing, so we’ve got a code red here. Awesome job!
Note:
Spoiler
That’s it, that’s all.
Hope the review has been of value to you!
Cheers,
Roxanne
Okay, okay, okay! This review is kinda late, but maybe that’s a good thing because now you’ve had some time for ideas to brew. There’s still so much to decide and there was a crazy amount of information flooding out in this prologue. So, it seems Aspen is living in this alternate world, but it’s also taking place at the same time as our world? I believe either a future date or a new calendar date formation can help to make this world flow better. Moving on from that, I’m so excited to figure out what exactly these glasses do, I know they suppress power, but what else do they suppress? It’s been decided that everyone has different powers, but this main character is treated sort of in a special matter, since he is able to suck away others’ strength. Adding onto this power will be fun because you can explore realms of death and weakness. Maybe there can be a chapter of struggle as they try to use his powers to steal others. I also want to know about the family dynamics, does a lot of people live without parents in this world? What left Aspen orphaned? Could there have been some traumatic event revolved around his powers? These prompts are so fun to develop so early in the book. Maybe the paper rations are a recovery measure due to a lack of trees from a war or fire. Just trying to think of an event that could get rid of paper while sprouting new powers, like a nuclear explosion of sorts. But I feel this event could be connected to the school/work environment. The event with the sirens are most likely connected to the new curfew. The idea of this controlled place sort of reminds me of school and workplaces, especially in the US, where the work life balance is completely messed up. Exploring this connection will make this book impactful. There is so much more to say, but I’ll have to leave it at that! Good job, I am very hooked on this book! 📕
Hiii!! Thank you for your feedback, I truly do appreciate it and you offered a lot of help. Unfortunately, I can no longer publish on this website. If you'd like to stay updated you can find me on Fictionate.me. You could either search the book name, or the username : frankie9128. Thank you again for reading!!!