hahahaha this is AWSOME. i love jacobs line at the end. I dont care if you say its not one of ur best. Its great! keep up the awsome work. Well done. 
Not one of my best pieces, just something I came up with off the top of my head. Read and enjoy!
People were chatting briefly in the parking lot or lounging on the worn down benches of the Quileute high school. Nothing looked odd or out of place. The only thing that seemed strange was the tension that filled the atmosphere, somewhere mixed between the damp breeze and heavy stench wet soil. Blayke walked up just as I shut the door of my car.
“You smell like a strawberry daiquiri,” He commented.
“And you smell like sweaty gym socks,” I countered.
His lips spread back into a huge grin, showing his perfect set of white fangs. “Touché.”
“Omni-linguist,” I muttered.
“Power absorber,” He retorted.
The wind blew a piece of my raspberry brown hair around my face, but Blayke gently pushed it behind my ear.
Oh my god, here comes the new kids. Are they holding hands? Maybe they’re dating, one girl thought enviously.
“Iris,” Blayke scolded.
“You know I can’t help it. Once I recognize the power of another vampire, I absorb it.”
He sighed and continued walking.
Mixed expressions spread about like a disease when we walked up. I didn’t need Jasper’s powers the see the envy in their tiny human eyes. Some were shocked – genuinely and absolutely traumatized; their jaws dropped open and eyes wide with in astonishment. Others were bursting with jealousy, or at least trying to cover up their jealousy with disinterest – a clear case of sour grapes. I tried to ignore it and concentrated on Blayke’s hand.
“Mmmm…Do you think Aro would mind if I had a little snack?” He grinned impishly, running his tongue across his razor sharp teeth.
I bumped my shoulder into his playfully; a typical human action. “Of course he would mind. We’re here to spy on them, not to eat them.”
A girl and boy whispered as they approached us bravely. When they reached us, they smiled.
“Hi!” The girl exclaimed. “I’m Allie and this is Mark. We’re the welcoming committee.”
Wow. They're gorgeous, Allie thought.
Well hhheeeellllloooo, beautiful, Mark thought.
“Hello Allie. Mark.” I tried to smile warmly as I nodded to them, but it came out as a flirtatious smirk.
“I’m Blayke, and this is Iris. We’re from Italy,” Blayke replied smoothly in an appropriate Italian accent.
“Ciao,” Mark purred. I should’ve guessed; she looks mighty fine in those designer clothes.
“Ciao,” I answered seductively.
“What part of Italy do you come from?” Allie asked.
“Volterra,” I answered eerily.
My tone abruptly shifted Allie’s mood to fear, but Mark was too engrossed with my low cut shirt. “I have relatives from Si-Sicily,” She stuttered.
“How nice,” I hissed hypnotically.
Blayke squeezed my hand harder. You’re scaring her, Iris.
I put on my best friendly smile. “Well, we’re going to be late for Spanish, but it was nice meeting you.”
“Yes, thank you for welcoming us so warmly,” Blayke added.
“Sure thing,” Allie answered.
“If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.” I couldn’t help but notice the other meaning behind his remark.
Blayke tugged me away.
“I think that went well,” I stated cheerfully.
“Yeah. Well,” He snorted.
“What?” I questioned.
Blayke cocked his head and arched an eyebrow. You looked like you wanted to lick their skin off.
“Don’t say you didn’t because I already know.” I tapped the temple of my head smugly.
He sighed. “Alright. Let’s just find someone to recruit and get the hell out of here."
Blayke sniffed the air. "That's strange. It smelled a heck of a lot better outside.”
I stopped in the middle of the hallway, pulling Blayke to a halt with me.
“Blayke,” I said quietly. “I haven’t had a vision yet.”
“Maybe you haven’t been around Alice long enough,” He assured me soothingly.
“No, Blayke. Bella must’ve put a block on Aro’s thoughts.”
“Why would she do that?” He pondered.
“I don’t know, but I know why it smells a heck of a lot better outside.”
A huge boy with long hair and coffee colored skin approached us. His thoughts were spread across his face in an evil grin.
“Hey leeches, I’m Jacob Black. I think we’re going to be real great friends.”
- End.
hahahaha this is AWSOME. i love jacobs line at the end. I dont care if you say its not one of ur best. Its great! keep up the awsome work. Well done.
I love the irony!
Great job, I would elaborate more on their past though if I were you.
I love the irony!
Great job, I would elaborate more on their past though if I were you.
This story was very confusing and unclear. I liked how you changed the story around. You bringing jacob in was good. Many fan fictions always leave the only cool character out (JACOB) I hate Twilight. Its very unoriginal and overrated and none of the characters have any personalities! I liked you story though.
At first I was wondering what in the world were vampires doing in the Quileute lands,
And why were the Volturi, of all people, so dumb to do that.
They must be underestimating the werewolves.
Good thing Jacob came along, though he's alone...facing two adult vampires.
Nice cliffhanger ending!
I hope you're planning on continuing this!
After all, it wasn't very nice of you to leave us hanging like that!
PM me if you post more, because I liked it!
Nice piece!
I really liked the girls power, very inventive, but with the guy a reading minds power is held already by two vampires, so perhaps you could change that one a fraction to make it more original.
The addition of new characters into the twilight fan fiction world was of course confusing at first, as we question who they are, but it worked well once i got into the story.
[/quote]showing his perfect set of white fangs.[quote]
In twilight vampires DONT have fangs!
When you said razor sharp teeth later on, that it more in key with twilight!
I'm interested in the Volterri spying on the Cullen's, as they would after the almost battle in breaking dawn, so please continue, its rather good as fan fiction goes.
nice work
lotti
Hi fragile_heart(!). I have to admit, I'm not wild about Twilight or Twilight fanfics, but I think this one was pretty good. There were a couple of technical things I noticed, grammar/rewording, so I'll point those out first and then write my overall impressions.
Quote: Oh my god, here comes the new kids.
Should be here come the new kids.
Quote: “Power absorber,” He retorted. Okay, first, 'he' should not be capitalized, and this goes for every other time you did it too. 
Second, I was a little confused when I read this-you might want to remind the readers that vampires have special powers. Just like, ...he retorted, referring to my gift. Or something.
Quote: Well hhheeeellllloooo, beautiful, Mark thought.
A personal thing, but I didn't like the way you elongated hello. I think it would have the same effect if you just wrote, Well hello, beautiful.
Quote: “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.” I couldn’t help but notice the other meaning behind his remark.
So, this is Mark speaking, right? I ask because use of pronouns can be misleading, since the last male speaking was Blayke. Although, I do see why you would want to avoid 'Mark's remark.' But anyway, try making that a bit clearer.
Quote: "That's strange. It smelled a heck of a lot better outside.”
Another personal thing I feel like vampires wouldn't be averse to fouler language than 'heck.' But, whatever.
Overall. This was smart, and funny. I'm really happy that you created new characters (or did they exist? I read the books a long time ago ) instead of using the Cullens or the werewolves, and you blended those characters in well. So kudos. Besides my comments above, the only other thing I have to say is that your story was a lot of dialogue. Obviously, everyone who is going to read this will already know about the Volturi and werewolves and etc. But we don't know anything about Blayke and Iris, so some character backstory might be in order. Then again, as a short piece this worked well. If you were to continue it, though, I'd want to know a lot more about the characters.
Great job ^^ PM me for anything!
Haha yes! Another Twilight fic!
Can't wait to see where this goes. Very interesting.
So are Bella and the Cullen's part of the Volturi now? Hmm...
So glad you brought Jacob in the story. He's my favorite. =]
Oooh! This sounds so good! Please continue soon!
Becca
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