PETALS OF MY HEART

The first petal fallen

Problem

I sit alone-

Knowing I only have one problem.

That’s a person.

That person is you.

But when I think that I start to cry-

Because I know all of the ways I could love you-

and how I’m willing to try-

But would you let me?

Afraid:

I randomly think of you and my heart breaks.

Because you look at me like I’m the only thing to see-

And I look at you like your already mine.

But then our looks together don’t combine-

We turn away and become afraid-

Afraid of what might come or what we won’t-

Afraid we may be wrong all along.

A silence:

I feel like your not real-

Your beautiful.

When I first saw you I had that thought-

The one that made me think “is this love at first sight?”

I always saw you after that-

you stood out-

I tried to figure you out-

but you hid somehow.

and then one day everything changed-

you laid everything bare and I didn’t know what to say-

so I walked away leaving you there.

and now there’s a silence we both share.

She knew:

She looked at me across the room-

a painful look.

A glare.

But I saw the pain-

Because she knew.

Didn’t she?

She was next to me and she wouldn’t even look at me-

She knew.

But why don’t you know?

Tear off:

Every time I try to tear myself off of you-

I do it screaming and kicking-

I do it wailing inside-

But you’d never notice.

You’d never notice how hard it is-

not to look at you when your right there.

When your the only thing I want to look at-

When your everything I ever wanted.

How could:

How can you say those words to her?

Because when you look at me-

you look like you’ve said them a million times.

How could you pick her?

When you look at me like I’m the one you really want?

How could you?

How could you make me feel like it’s all my fault -

without saying a single word?

Name:

That name.

Its not my given name-

It doesn’t sound like my name -

To everyone else it seems off -

To everyone else it’s not mine-

But to me it’s mine.

To me it’s the only name that seems to matter.

It matters more than my real name.

It feels more than my real name-

Why? Because it’s the name he gave me-

The name he chose-

The name he saw when he thought of me.

Why do I respond to it they ask?

Because it’s mine.

I can’t:

Why do I look at him like that?

Oh I don’t know-

I probably won’t ever know-

I don’t really want to know either.

I can’t control it.

I can’t help it.

I can’t stop it.

So what’s worth knowing why?

Feeling:

That feeling-

It’s there again-

It’s there.

So real-

So rare-

So deep-

It makes me wonder.

It makes me think.

Is this something that’s ours-

Or is it mine?

Favorite:

Some ask what my favorite color is-

The answer is I don’t really know.

I don’t seem to have one.

But what I do think but can never say is-

The blue of his eyes.

Why is this my favorite?

I don’t know.

But there’s something about the way it’s HIS the way it’s not anyone else’s-

Makes me love it.

Makes it my favorite color.

Because I could stare into that color forever-

and never change my mind.

Only One:

Your the only one.

The only one who could fix me-

The only one who could break me to shreds-

And I hate it.

I hate that your the only person who could help me.

I hate that.

Because I love you and I don’t know what to do with that.

Still:

People could say-

People could try to convince me-

They could tell me horrible truths-

They could tell me things I would never accept-

But I’d still accept you.

I’d still want you.

I’d still keep that spot in my heart for you-

Everyone on earth could hate you-

And I’d still love you.

More than:

You could kick me.

Burn me-

Hurt me-

Break me-

And I’d still want you.

All of you.

Because I know your more than that-

All of it.

And I don’t care what you do to me-

Because it was never about me.

It was about you.

Focus:

The world stops.

Everyone else and everything-

Is gone.

All the focus is on you.

Your eyes-

Your heart-

Your mind-

I don’t know what your thinking.

I don’t need to know.

But I want to-

I really want to-

Because the silence between us is too loud.

Much too loud.

the dark stem

Key:

There’s the hardest lock in the world.

Not easy-

Not hard-

Impossible.

Yet there is always the key-

The key that fits too well-

That key.

I hate how much I want to use that key-

But I won’t.

I couldn’t.

But I really want too.

Word:

They ask-

How could one word save you?

Love? I ask.

Yes.

It is the love I have for family that keeps me on the ground. I reply.

What do you mean by that?

I mean-

If I loved myself more I wouldn’t be here anymore.

Promise:

Never.

Ever.

I promise myself.

Then why do I?

Almost betray that?

Why do I?

Try to break the promise I made myself?

Its like two battles-

In my head.

A war-

Against the dead.

Ending:

The pounding-

The screaming-

The caving in-

Doesn’t end.

I try everything.

Everything.

But-

It doesn’t end.

Ceilings:

So many ceilings-

I stare at-

Trying to make sense of it all.

Like staring at a blank surface-

Would let me draw the scribbles-

In my head down.

It doesn’t.

But I still stare.

All different ceilings-

Hoping they’d let me draw there.

What if:

What if they knew?

What would they even do?

Get help?

What kind of help could fix this?

What kind of words could heal this?

What kind of person-

Even exists-

That could do-

Anything-

About this?

Lie:

I call myself an honest person.

But nobody sees the lies I tell-

When I say I’m okay-

When I say I don’t have secrets.

But I do.

But they are so dark-

That lying isn’t even wrong.

Too Much to ask:

I want it -

But it’s terrifying.

I want it more than anything-

But I can’t have it.

It’s too much to ask.

But I still do-

Too many times.

Over-

And over.

But what if-

I get it?

Questions:

I have questions-

Of the world-

Written into my eyes like fate.

But how could-

They ever be answered-

When I can’t see clearly?

Ask:

Im asked-

What it feels like in my mind.

But I feel it everywhere else-

I feel it in my heart-

In the way it aches like being touched too harshly-

In the way it stings or clenches like being gripped too hard-

In the way it cries inside of my chest.

Though it is never tears that are cried-

Its blood-

That builds up into my throat-

So I have no choice-

But to let it bleed out of my eyes.