Young Writers Society

I really loved this poem! Your different uses of space and rhythm were effective in communicating the meaning of your words, and your actual word choice was precise and powerful. I like the repeated use of the sick day and bus stop ideas, and how you used these specific situations to create a deeper meaning. You were also very good at making this poem flow, beginning slowly, descending in a powerful rush, and ending calmly once again. Overall, I don't have any criticisms about your piece and I enjoyed reading it

hey, fort. i don't think i've ever really reviewed any of your poetry, but there's a first time for everything, eh? (though really, there's so very little to critique and i'm just generally inept at reviewing poetry, so. >.>)

i feel like the poem acquires a resonant thrum nearing the end; it goes from a meandering river to swift rapids hurtling down a cliff, and i quite like that effect. it's also neat how we don't finish at the delta, where the sea has settled down after all the excitement (although the poet mentions things like having 'no rush left'), and there's still a very powerful feel of the climax at the end. it's like ... having your head dunked underwater and coming up for air--the thrill of that gasp that 'in sunlight' evoked is lovely.

i do feel, though, that the transition from [sidewalk cracks//road//hopscotch//chalky schoolday imagery] to [waterfall//rush of steel//fast-paced airy + watery//flower imagery] is a bit ... clunky. the poem doesn't feel cohesive, as a whole, and it totally doesn't have to be, but a waterfall always retains the riverwater's original flavouring, doesn't it? and i feel like it would be nice to bring all the images full-circle. your mention of 'sidewalk cement' halfway through the piece attempts to link back to square A, and it does this, but then square A is just forgotten about. it's /nice/ to feel the same incline, the steepness of the slope as the subject completely morphs into a waterfall, but the lack of connection just makes everything feel a little ... dissonant.

i am so sorry if i'm being incredibly vague here. i just feel like the concrete images of jumping over cracks in the pavement and real-life situations (like the narrator waiting for the addressee on the pavement) don't blend into the more-waterfally images, like the narrator admiring the addressee's ability to enrapture/be enraptured by the world, and totally just take flight into it. the poem is a rush, but bits like...

Even when you took
a day off
to pretend to be sick.

Or I was just a girl
who waited at the bus stop
not waiting for the ride

but for you.

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
First of all, I really like this kind of poem, the free form with cool formatting. The beginning was very nice, and it really pulled me in. However, while I did like this poem, I have a few bits of advice that I think could make this poem even better.
The first thing that I recommend, which is a little more general, is to add more is to add more of those all-over-the-place words. You know, like how at the beginning your words were rather bizarrely placed. I really liked that, it makes the poem more exciting to read, and since you started your poem out with it, I feel like you could incorporate it more throughout the poem. Maybe you could space things out in places where you make lists, like where you said "All rush. All roar. All deafening..."
Sort of along with that, you used parentheses down towards the end of the poem. Now this is even more preferential, but I feel like parentheses can be a valuable tool in poem writing, and if you'd like to use them you could definitely incorporate them more.
A specific thing that I noticed was the spacing between the first and second lines. You may have done this on purpose, but I felt that the space caused and awkward pause. This is just preference though, that may have been your intention.
Another thing that bothered me a little, you said "Jumping over me like some kind of crazy hopscotch or a day sick from school." How do you jump over a day sick from school? This may just be my thing, or maybe I just don't understand what you were going for here, but the expression just didn't make a lot of sense to me.
Towards the end, you say "But I know..." and then you continue on, but it doesn't seem as if you ever explain what you know. This may just be something I didn't understand, but just read it over again and make sure it's how you want it.
And finally. I believe there was a grammar error in the fifth to last line, I think you meant to use "their" instead of "there".
Whew, that was long! Anyways, good job with this poem. I liked the imagery, which you achieved with your formatting and your word choice. Thanks for the read!
herbgirl