Young Writers Society

Timmy here!

So here we have a chapter which probably has the most emotion displayed of all your chapters so far. I honestly felt something when you were going through the entire sheep deal, and it seemed weird because of the fact that it sure looks like a sheep, but the way everything played brought a lot of the emotion into focus.

There were a few small things I noticed as we go through, and I will just talk 'bout them as I go through:

Fleta started, but quickly seemed to lose her ability to speak.

This could have several meanings, but when I read it I got the visual of more like a lump in the throat, queasiness over the sight of so much blood.

After a moment of stunned silence, she tried again

Okay, now she is stunned, astonished--etc...

Her face showed an expression of the utmost horror.

And now she is horrified.

Tears sparkled in her eyes, but did not fall.

And now she is displaying sadness.


Of all of these emotions she is displaying--one right after the other--which is the one she truly feels? It seems almost contradictory for you to state so many emotions going through her, almost like we are flipping pages of a illustrated book, and she is wearing a different face each time. I think she should start off with the same emotion she ends with, only at the end it becoming amplified. So, like a ladder, almost, and climbing it. You are still climbing the same ladder as you go up (same emotion), but you are at a different climbing point each time you take a step. I hope that analogy made sense. Not sure if it makes sense to me.

Gilfred and Godfrey wore similar expressions.

I am not sure about these trolls, or rather, not sure about what purpose these creatures serve in the story. In all stories, there must be a character arc to your, ah, characters in order for it to be called a story, and not just a compilation of words in a pretty order. So far, I haven't seen much from them, and no emotion. Besides being occasionally goofy, I don't know their emotions, I don't know what kind of beings they are (kind, generous, quick to anger, et...), and I don't know what purpose they serve. And that troubles me. Every other character has become so vast (not their bodies of course. That is reserves for Stoick only.) in personality and character, and we have drawn closer to them. I feel as though I actually know them. But with the trolls, I feel as though they are something that has just been crammed into the story at an impossible angle, not really fitting in. And really, most of the time I forget they are even there because you don't actually mention them very often. It's almost like its the pet that you never see. You mention them once or twice in the beginning of this chapter (although I am pretty sure only once) and then you mention them one more time towards the end. All the while, they are there. Every time you talk about the characters, the trolls are there. But you never mention them. They never say anything, or do anything. They seem... empty and shallow--without character, and its' because you never show it. When you say, who had decided that they liked exciting adventures I got the impression that you were starting to build their character, but then you stopped. That seemed like such an opportunity to make them hugish and bring them closer to us! Maybe you could even just show us what they seem like from Jay's perspective. What he sees of them. Even if he only sees silly trolls without a real goal in life, that would still be a good character sketch. We would still know who they are. As of now, they seem rather vague and I don't have anything to really pinpoint on them and say: That is who they are.

I hope that made any sense.

the tallest building in the city was probably only six stories high. But the city had been built in a valley, and the buildings trailed all the way up the hills on all sides. To put it simply, the place was huge.

This, quite simply, is just a start of a description of this city. This gave me a very vague picture of the city, and one that I couldn't really see, quite honestly. What is there was good, very good. I could tell that the buildings weren't that tall from what you said, and that they went up the side of the valley--although you didn't tell us how big this valley was. Another thing that puzzled me: If this is built in a valley, the "definition" of a valley is just a flat area with mountains on all sides, right? I live in one, a rather big one, and there are mountains stretching in a complete circle around me. Now, if that is true, then the sea coming up to that wouldn't really work, I think. I am not certain of that, but if there are mountains on all sides, then wouldn't the ocean come up to the mountains--but no over to the other side? Now, saying this, I am still not certain if a valley is a flat area with mountains on all sides, but the only valleys I have seen have been like that. I hope I am wrong, but I still figured it was a big enough thing to mention. Just in case.

...And I went off track. Again.

Godfrey, and Jay down cobblestone streets filled with all sorts of pedestrians.

I think this would have been a good chance to do some descriptions. Show the claustrophobic feeling. Make him rub shoulders with odd travelers, gypsies, flowery people wearing strange clothes--whatever would fit into this new town. But make sure we have a clear picture of the surrounding city. If its truly full of people, then make us feel closed in and tight as well as Jay. Reaching out to your reader is a necessity.

As the boat pulled away from the beautiful island, Fleta stood on the shore waving goodbye. Jay waved back until he couldn’t see the island any more.

Going through this chapter, I didn't feel rushed except for this part. It was almost as if you wanted to make it as small and insignificant of a scene as possible, even though to me it would be very emotional and powerful. I mean, sure, there isn't any romantic ties between these to people (yet, hehehe), but I think that the goodbye would have been stretched out just a little bit. Perhaps an awkward hug between the two, and then a red-faced Jay getting into the boat to leave. I definitely think that Shep and Fleta would have hugged, and I think its a big enough part to really want it in there. Because, so far in this book, I haven't seen much love or attachment from these people. I know you must have told us the relation between Shep and Fleta earlier in the book, but since you don't ever mention it, I don't remember. Whatever the case, I think you need to expand on that part and make sure the reader feels their emotions. Especially Fleta. Think about it: She is being left all alone on a deserted island, tending to a kind disguised as a sheep. Meanwhile, all of her friends are leaving to go to a foreign place--and they are together. Probably going to be happy, even if they miss her. And girls don't generally like long periods of solitude, right?

Suddenly, the door creaked open, and a shadowy figure stepped into the restaurant.

You are so mean, you know that? I was reading through this quite pleasantly, and then boom!--you dropped the cliffhanger thing. Us writers are so mean [insert evil laughter here] and its awesome. You did an excellent job with this chapter, and the ending was pure genius. What a way to get me to the next chapter! Now I am curious as to who this person is, and wondering if its possibly the same villain that Jay was kidnapped by a few chapters ago, or if he is one of his minions. Perhaps he is a different person altogether! I dunno. Asks a tons of questions.

Keep me updated! Well, when I catch up all the way.
~Darth Timmyjake

Another Review Week review for Team Pen!

“Tart was being his usual nasty self, but this time it led to severe injury.

"It led to a serious injury."

his favorite restaurant at home.It was one of those old-style restaurants

Don't forget that little space in between sentences.

This chapter was short but pivotal because we left Fleta behind. Hopefully we'll see her again soon! That darn little Tart; I wasn't aware that his little battle with the king would cause this. Not that the battle was "little," of course! If it weren't for Shep's sheep doctoring skills, Reyus might be in serious trouble, but I think that he'll be fine.

I had forgotten that all the sheep need to be alive and well for the curse thingy to be undone, so I'm glad that you reminded us of that!

I like how you initially described the restaurant, but it wasn't really anything more then a sentence. This chapter is on the shorter side, so you could really expand its size by describing things like the restaurant more. This is, remember, a world that is still mostly alien to your readers. How is this restaurant different than the one Jay loved on Earth?

Nice job on that cliffhanger! I'm very interested to see who this guy is, and why he was staring right at Jay!

Hey Fortis!

Looks like I have a little bit of catching up to do >.> Getting to it now! Right, as always, you have a brilliant way with your writing. You've kept up this awesome style all the way through, and now we've got a few time jumps and a new location all in one chapter and it went smoothly. Honestly, there was no point where I thought you were going too fast or anything. So congrats to you It was a bit sad seeing Fleta left behind, seeing as she was the only girl and I really liked her character, but it's for the best. Or, more so in Reyus's best interest. One sad thing though, is short chapters call for short reviews seeing as there isn't too much left for me to cover.

Tart was being his usual nasty self

So Tart is usually a nasty sheep then? It would be nice to know a few of the other mischievous things he might've gotten himself into. I know it's a little thing, but it's nice to see some personality from the sheep themselves seeing as they are people too. In fact, it would be nice to know more about the other sheep in more detail. Right now, in my eyes they're nothing but sheep with names, apart from Tart and Reyus now.

He doesn’t understand that to restore everyone to their proper place, everyone, including the king, needs to be alive and intact

My question here is: can the sheep understand English? I think they should be able to, if Tart felt guilty when Shep was scolding him for what he did to Reyus, unless all he was getting from the scolding was the shame. Either way, let us know if they can understand English because they were once human, or not. It just needs a little bit of clarifying.

I felt like the description of this new city was a bit too brief for my liking. Are the buildings made from the same things that they are made of in Jay's old world? Do they not use brick in this world? Also, how does this place compare to the magic of one of the best cities they were just in? It must be a bit of a downgrade from where they were, and a good way to fit in a bit more description would be through comparison. You could even have the trolls commenting on the road conditions for a bit of familiarity there as well.

Otherwise... I really do have nothing else to say! This was a short, but still an top-notch chapter. Keep up this awesome writing. I am going to read the next chapter and get all caught up ^.^

Deanie x

Hi there!

Her face showed an expression of the utmost horror.

I don't really like how you say 'her face showed' here. I'd rather see just you describe the look on her face. Take out the word 'showed' and I think this would be perfect.

Jay could hear the sheep’s heavy breathing. Shep had told him that it was a good thing he could hear the breathing; if he couldn’t, there wasn’t enough oxygen going to the sheep’s brain.

Obviously hearing the sheep breathe is a good thing. Otherwise they'd be dead. So maybe focus on the heavy breathing instead? Say something about how Jay was afraid they would end up hyperventilating and fainting or something. Just a reason for Shep to tell him that hearing the sheep breathe was a good thing. In all honesty, it's quite obvious that hearing the sheep breathe is a good thing. Then you know they're still alive.

So now they've decided to split up. Isn't the the one mistake that groups always make in the movies? I sure hope this doesn't end up being the same outcome!

I don't have much to say about this chapter in particular, so I'm going to comment on the novel as a whole up to this point.

Everything is coming together well. We've got our main characters, the thing that is driving them, and the main villain. You've done a great job developing your characters along the way as well. I feel like I've gotten a really good idea of who they all are. If I remember correctly, I mentioned in an earlier review how I wasn't feeling all that attached to Shep, that I couldn't match his actions to his personality. But as I read on, things became clearer and I really started to understand who he was. So it's obvious that you've focused on your characters as you wrote on.

I do wish that we would've seen more of the villain though. We saw him once, that time when he captured Jay and Fleta. But that's it. By now I would've been sure that we'd see more of the villain. For all I know though, you've got more planned out for him later on in the story. As of right now though, it seems like the group is running around searching for these sheep unopposed. It just seems too easy.

Other than the seemingly MIA villain, I think this novel is really coming together. As I read on, I'm starting to look at this as a whole rather than just a chapter each week. And like I said, it's really starting to come together. A lot of the questions I had near the beginning have been answered. So I'm really starting to see the big picture. (that's, what, the fifth time I've said that in this review?? *eye roll*)

Oh, just one more thing. For some reason this has just hit me now. If Shep is searching for the royal family of sheep, who's running things in their place? Obviously someone has to be in charge because there was once a king and queen. I think I remember you mentioning something about a witch changing them into sheep, but I can't remember if you said she took over or someone else did or if you even mentioned it at all. If you haven't mentioned it yet, that would be a nice thing to know.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter! As always, keep me updated when you post!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hello! Kayfortnight here to review!

Shep sighed and stood to lead Fleta to the edge of the bed so she could sit down. “Tart was being his usual nasty self, but this time it led to severe injury. He was trying to gain the throne by killing the king—or what used to be the king. He doesn’t understand that to restore everyone to their proper place, everyone, including the king, needs to be alive and intact.”

Okay, so Shep knew Tart had issues. Why does he leave him alone with the other sheep then? It just seems like he should have figured out a solution earlier.

I don't like how Shep is worrying about Fleta's ability to handle this, but I suppose I can understand it, considering it's practically his life's work getting the sheep back.

Also, if the ending was meant to be a cliffhanger to make us worry about Jay's safety, it didn't really work. Sometimes, a few extra details can actually make something like that more worrying.