Young Writers Society

Hi there Forti! Seeing that the Green Room is empty and all of the novels that I've been following have posted recently/I've reviewed up to the most recent chapter as far as I'm aware and since this is the final day of both RevMo and Review Week, I have no time to waste and I've been interested in following this for quite awhile now and I see I won't have to go looking for new content for awhile now if I review this so without further ado, let's review.

Dang girly, I didn't expect the opening paragraph to be this dang beautiful. The metaphor in the first sentence draws the reader in and I quite enjoy that. I also quite enjoy the fact that we're not left to go on and on with the description yet the description is still there to set-up the scene before delving into the dialogue. There's a nice balance between setting up the scene with description and not dragging on for paragraphs and paragraphs doing this seeing as this only takes a paragraph before we hit the dialogue.

I admit that I know very little of the plot of this although from what I can tell this early on is that Ivy is a florist and Nikki is either a child or a friend of Nikki? I couldn't tell and that's probably the first and foremost largest confusion--the age of both Nikki and Ivy. Ivy seems to be at least a teenager seeing as she's working as a florist but there's nothing that suggest Nikki's age. We see that the boy at the end of the chapter is no older than seventeen which probably means that Nikki is somewhere around his age and not a full-blown adult.

I'm assuming they're all teenagers at this point but I'm unsure. I'm also unsure of the setting of this novel...where and when does this take place? I know you've talked about the novel before in Discord but I've forgotten since then and I wanted to note that it's important to include at least context clues and subtle hints as to age and setting and all that--hey, maybe that'll be talked about in the future! I don't know yet. As for the characters, Ivy seems to be on the more negative and more likely to say 'This is a drag' side while Nikki is bubbly and more likely to do '!!!' which I wanted to point out here that there's a bit too much exclamation marks in the dialogue for my liking and I can't say that's my favorite part of the novel this far.

So far? The descriptions and sentences outside of dialogue are more strongly crafted. I'm also wondering the relationship between Ivy and Nikki and what's all this stuff about a secret order and who is this mysterious boy and all that jazz. I hope those questions are answered in the future and I figure at least the last two will but as for now I'm excited to see where this goes because after looking down to read Bisc's review on this, I really have to agree with them on the positive elements in this chapter because all of what they talk about is valid and true. Can't wait to read more!

cIf you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

I realise this is a lot to catch up on but ever since I caught up on 95 episodes of Critical Role, 30 chapters feels like nothing xD

Nit-picks and nice moments (though I imagine with 5 previous reviews the latter is more likely):

The summer evening’s sun was a raspberry bird

of course Mister Green needed another apology bouquet-”

“Oh c’mon. You’re gonna start growing moss if you stay in this musty shop for one more minute!” She grabbed Ivy’s hand and dragged her out the door.

Suddenly Ivy bumped against the wall

A boy no older than seventeen stepped out of the shadows, rubbing his neck.

and a flash aof metal

You should put a "No, because I had a long day..." . Since Ivy is declining her and explaining to her the reasons for the rejection. Also I'm wondering about Ivy's characteristic and the reason she is alone and always coop up in her flower shop. Also how did Nikki and Ivy first met each other and became acquainted? why is she the only staff in the flower shop? Where exactly are they? I'm imagining a city near the ocean like the ones in Greece. Also what are the ladies wearing? you explained the guy outfit but not the ladies. When you said float did you mean she did with ease or actual floating? Is it in later chapters?

interesting story

I liked this, I will go and reed the others,

I got on YWS and low and behold, your 19th chapter was the only thing in the green room, so instead of reviewing it I decided to go back to chapter 1.1 (instead of starting mid story) and writing a nice big comment for you, I am writing this not for points at all, but so that it may be of some small assistance to you in your writing, all I ask is that you read this review. please.

Okay so to start this off, I'd want to mention that I realize you are trying to paint a beautiful scene at the start of this chapter, but it seems slightly too colorful, as any artist might tell you painting with the brightest lushest colors you have is not always the best approach, there are literally too many works like this, where the writer tries to wow the reader with their detail and writing skills, while this is a common approach that sometimes works very few ever keep it up throughout their writing, and to be frank I think it would be boring after long enough. My point being that while it may work, sometimes the simpler approach is more intriguing and if you can do it right, it will have far greater impact than any fanciful wordplay.

Also the color raspberry is more of a dark pink, maybe that was your intention but when I try to imagine "The summer evening’s sun was a raspberry bird spreading its wings across the horizon" I don't have the faintest clue what it looks like. And it leaves me confused and mystified, and wondering if this is a alternate world where the sun looks like I giant pink bird.

You used the line, "her feet dancing across/on" to me and perhaps me alone this sounds off, maybe you are trying to tell us that she is a dance, is she coming in on the tips of her toes? is she doing the happy feet dance while walking? (I just googled it) it's slighting confusing.

"Mekaniks and Elektricity" I presume that you mean "Mechanics and Electricity" though you might have a different meaning for these words having spelled them differently, I hope that you will forgive my misunderstanding if so.

"Soon, she could hook her feet on the bottom rung" okay, this sounds like this is doing a hand stand and trying to "hook" her feet on the bottom rung, in this context I would try something more along the lines of "Soon, she was able to reach the bottom rung with her feet" it could just be me.

I think it has a lot of potential. and hope to read more in the future though i may not have the time to review it all.

Heya, Fortis!

So, I read past the first line in order to ground my first impressions in more context, but I do still want to talk about it.

The summer evening’s sun was a raspberry bird spreading its wings across the horizon as the florist

“It’s all about the adventure!” Nikki began to skip ahead, her feet dancing across cobblestones. The streetlamp cast pools of light, and she leapfrogged from one to the next.

that really good looking foward to more great job

Hey! Squirtlepowiee here for another review! This will be a very short one, because this piece is very lacking in errors. That’s a job done perfectly!

“The door creaked open and a grinning face haloed by a dark mane of frizzy hair poked around it.” I would rephrase this sentence. To me, haloed didn’t look like a word so I had to google it xD Maybe, “The door creaked open and a grinning face surrounded by a halo of dark, frizzy hair poked around it.”

“Oh c’mon. You’re gonna start growing moss if you stay in this musty shop for one more minute!” She grabbed Ivy’s hand and dragged her out the door.” I would imagine that as a shopkeeper, she would have to close and lock the door so that no one comes in or steals anything. You don’t need to change much here, but I would recommend saying that she locked the door, just to be a bit more realistic

“But you’d better not cause any more trouble.” Nikki and Ivy didn’t cause any trouble. They only broke one rule, which is not causing trouble, because nothing happened. I would rephrase this to, “But you’d better not break any rule that you are given.”
Overall, great plot, awesome grammar, nice style! If I were to give any feedback, then it would be: Think realistically. It makes your story more believable and more real. Detail will come to life and the plot will make more sense. Keep writing!!

~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee

Hey fortis!
I'm honestly so excited that you wrote this. <3 I can't wait to read more of it!

“Ivy! Listen, you gotta come with me!” Nikki slid all the way into flower shop, her feet dancing on the cherry wood floor.

Ivy picked up a ceramic pitcher full of water and floated among her flowers. “Because I’ve had another long day-”

Setting down her water pitcher, Ivy took the paper.

Hello!

First off, I'd love to say that this story interested me right of the bat. The steampunkish feel is something I've always loved to read. I also like the way you use imagery in the story. You don't give to many details but just enough that I can see the story in my head.

I really can't find anything wrong. Keep up the amazing work, and I can't wait to read the next chapter.

All The Best,
Fangirl/ed