Young Writers Society

hey ladyspark!

criticisms -

i have cracks all along my spine
a mark for every time i stood up
after a night that broke my back
and shattered my rib cage.

you run your fingers over them,
when I'm angry and you're trying to calm me down
you say, here's to never pulling the trigger, darling.
here's to making it out alive.

but i've yet to find a bed soft enough to keep the monsters away.

This. <333

Hey LadySpark,
your writing is beautiful, and its awesome. i really liked your thought and the way you built the story up.
at first i was quite confused about the theme but this quite evident when i reached the end. i hardly see many flaws in this apart from some punctuation errors. however i suggest some change in just one line-
''and my mind full of clouds i can't catch''- perhaps here you could use " reach" in place of catch.
while you described well about your present condition at the start, may be you could also tell something about it at the end. well this is just a thought and you have a better hand in thinking whether it might me appropriate or not.
i really loved this line-
"i say recovery is wondering why history is written by the winners,
and why i'm not brave enough to take my crown back. "
just one last suggestion- keep writing no matter what hurdles you face or how busy you are as this is what can define you.
enjoy YWSing
Rituparna.

I really liked this poem! <3 I've had a few serious injuries and can relate to it pretty well.

Hello there, fellow Spark! I honestly can't wait to review this. It's beautiful and brilliant and... well, let's just get started, shall we?

Ready? Set? Go!

Introduction:

So, as I was saying... you're a much better writer than I am and unbelievably gifted. I enjoy and empathize with every single one of your poems, but I have to tell you that my favorite keeps changing: every single one is better and more beautiful than the last. So, on that note, I'm just going to point out a few things to make your poem more concise, etc., and also some stuff that I loved.

Suggestions:

i have cracks all along my spine
a mark for every time i stood up

you run your fingers over them,

and my mind full of clouds i can't catch

you tell me that recovery is taking your pills and watching the days count backwards,
watching the days where the sun burns my skin are fewer and fewer.

that it stops fighting you back.

i say it's waiting for the fire in your brain to singe off your eyelashes,

i have cracks all along my spine
a mark for every time i stood up
after a night that broke my back
and shattered my rib cage.

here's to never pulling the trigger, darling.
here's to making it out alive.

but i've yet to find a bed soft enough to keep the monsters away.

but i say recovery is waiting for your body to starve for so long
that it stops fighting you back.
i say it's waiting for the fire in your brain to singe off your eyelashes,
so there's nothing left to catch your tears.

This was beautiful, spark.
As I'm on a review hike, I'm going to do my best to try to review this.

It's interesting, all the lines that you've posted on your wall, I read them in your poem, and my heart kept thinking "wow, this is so cool! It's so familiar! It's like Spark read my mind!" and then my brain is like "that's because she wrote the things, you doofus." But I still think it's a good strategy you used. Whether you're using it strategically or not.
Not to mention that you're really good at picking out good lines. I love all the lines that you posted on your wall especially in this poem.

I like your title, it drew me in. Your first line did the same.
I did get a little lost in the first couple lines, and I think that could be remedied by putting a comma or something at the end of the first line, just so I know to pause there, because my brain didn't pause there the first two times I tried to read it. I think something else that's contributing to this lost feeling is saying "a night" rather than "the night" as I would expect. Times when you are severely injured are generally referred to as "the," although I can see why you said "a," as if it had happened over and over again. Just know that that tiny word choice there was throwing off my balance a bit.

you run your fingers over them,

watching the days where the sun burns my skin are fewer and fewer.

but i say recovery is waiting for your body to starve for so long

but i say recovery is waiting for one's body to starve for so long