Grandma, I Fear.

Hi there, jaypolarbear! This is a really great piece, and I can't wait to review it... so let's get started!

Introduction:

Let me first say that the way that you combine prose and poetry here is masterful. You really have a natural cadence and a broad vocabulary. Excellent job!

In this short review, I'm just going to highlight a couple of small concerns. Just a couple, I promise!

Ready? Set? Go!

Line-by-Line Analysis:

I sat looking at you, deep within the brown eyes that twinkle along with you.

Wow, this is a truly vivid image. You really have a mind for this sort of prose-poetry! I just have small suggestion about the wording of this line. "Sat" and "looking" seem to be almost in different tenses, if you get my meaning (if you don't... well, I don't always, either ). "Sat" is in the perfect tense, but "looking" is a continuous action. I suggest changing the "sat" to something like "sit", or "looking at you" to "watching you", etc. This small adjustment would really make a huge different and complete the beautiful picture that you're building here.

Your face lined and old, but oblivious to you.

I have to say: the way that you can capture a person's countenance in just a few words is striking. Let me applaud you on those two adjectives, which are descriptive... but still leave me room to imagine my own character. That's way more than I could ever do!

I just quickly want to express a small concern over the last couple of words. I think that YWS might have made a small typo, etc., because I don't quite understand what you mean by "but oblivious to you". I'd also rethink this line because you ended the preceding line with "you", as well.

And I wonder how it would have been,

In your youth I have not seen.

This passage is amazing. In just two lines, you transport us back in time, away from this moment and back to your grandmother's youth. Brilliant!

Your beauty now naught have been but a memory, but your smile glow still ever so warmly.

Your word choice here is excellent. I just have two very small suggestions:

- Omit "have been" from the first line. "Naught" means 'nothing', so what you're really saying here is "your beauty now nothing have been but a memory". I'm pretty sure this was just a typo, though, so no worries!

- Add an "s" on the end of "glow" and switch "glows" and "still", so it's "but your smile still slows ever so warmly".

You may also want to consider adding a line break after "memory", to help break up the two ideas you include here. Just a thought!

Of the life around you that you see,

With your worn out eyes that strain to perceive me.

Great job. You just brought us back, in a few words, to the present. Really excellent, excellent job. You truly are a gifted writer.

Just one or two concerns about the first line. I 100% understand what you're getting at, but what about changing around the phrasing a bit, like this:

"The life around you, you squint to see,"

Or something like that. I encourage you to use more powerful verbs, to maintain this beautiful image that you've created.

You glare lovingly to us your family that seems ever so busy,

And I cannot help to see, how little time you have with me.

The first line is a nice image, but it feels a little... incomplete. What I mean is, it's difficult for me to imagine 'glaring lovingly' at someone. But maybe that's just my experience...

I honestly, though, can appreciate the second line. You're slowly bringing us back to the reality from that glowing portrait you "painted" earlier. Excellent, excellent, excellent job.

Yet they act so willingly to oversee that the time you have with us is waning so swiftly.

I ask ever so sadly how sad you must be,

But you parry me ever so enthusiastically the sadness you sense from me.

Telling me ever so cheerfully with the words reverberating in me,

I'd suggest inserting a line break within the first line, to really feature the rhyme that you've created here. (It's a great one, by the way. )

You have a very, very strong vocabulary, but I'd suggest trimming some of the words off of the second line. For example, "reverberating in me" is a great image/sound for the reader, but it seems out of place here. Just some food for thought!

“Don’t worry about me, inevitably death will come to every member of humanity and because of that you must now worry as I shall live in thee.”

This is such an elegant, raw line. It's masterfully composed, it truly is.

A quick suggestion: by now, with all of your breath taking images, you have the reader's attention. So try to drag out all the emotion you can from this line. Give us that pain, deep in our hearts, that you've been setting up for. Give us that unprocessed feeling that makes the reader cringe... and maybe cry a little. You're such a gifted writer. I know you can do it!

You tell me that I shall eventually see everyone when god has come to touch me,

And I will eventually see we will be together eternally, you recount to me ever so wisely.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Jaypolarbear doing his thing!

No, no. Really. This is amazing. Incorporating religion into this piece gave it that... otherworldly element that made us, as readers, look at the scope of death and the sorrow that comes with it and how a loss affects friends and family. Truly, truly awe-inspiring.

Just one quick thing-- I think that the last line may have a typo or two. "I will eventually see we will be together eternally" is a bit awkward. I'd suggest going back and cutting out one or two of those words. For instance, you could just try "we will be together eternally". Your call, though.

And now, I hear how wise you can appear behind that fine white hair glimmering upon me behind your ear, and that olden wisdom hymning in me through the year.

Again: that fragile detail, "fine white hair", seems so simple. And yet it brings us to another world. Masterful.

One thing: "Glimmering upon me" seems out of place in this context. It clutters up the narrative and, in a way, obscures my mental picture. I'd try omitting it altogether and seeing how it looks.

I smile and hand you some tea and enjoy the remaining time you have with me.

...and we're back to the bigger picture. You handing your grandmother some tea is something tangible. The process of adding the details like "fine white hair" and now the action of passing something to another person allows us to experience what you're experiencing and transports us to the present.

To give us the best, least cluttered picture possible, I'd suggest omitting the "and" before "hand you some tea" and replacing it with just a simple comma. This really frees up the image that you've so quickly and easily created.

I honour you with this poetry and it has dawned on me that your wisdom will stay with me.

You shall be gone someday but forever you will stay, for you have made your mark that will forever not decay.

I love this line. Your use of the second person is brilliant, and we--as readers--feel as if you are truly addressing us, not your grandmother. May I add one last suggestion, though? For rhyming purposes, I'd insert a line break between "stay" and "for". Simple stuff, but it's the small changes that make the difference.

Conclusion and Helpful Resources:

1. This unbelievably helpful piece by Cade on rhyming in poetry. Rhyme...all the time! I've noticed a couple times that, while you're great rhymer, you have some forced rhymes in your piece, particularly adverbs ending in "-ly". I'd try replacing those adverbs with stronger verbs and, as fortis said, perhaps even consider omitting rhyme altogether from this poem. I wouldn't suggest this if you weren't a gifted writer, though! I know that, with your skills, you'll be able to seriously think about that suggestion.

2. Something Euclidean's guide to imagery: Imagery. You're nearly a master of the image, but even the best of us can benefit from others' tips!

3. Jon's short-but-sweet guide to flow in poetry: Flow. I didn't want to take the time to point them out (some are quite small, anyhow), but there are a few places in your poem where your poem feels, as he describes it, "stopped up".

4. Another short-but-sweet one: Jasmine's Poetry-Editing Checklist. I won't really go into detail here (the title's pretty self-explanatory), but she provides you with a few quick tips on making sure that your poetry is as concise as possible, which even the best of us can benefit from.

5. Finally... a veteran YWSer's piece: Emotional Poetry. I recommend this to anyone and everyone who writes poetry. You've already begun to incorporate this, but how do you include those really emotion-driven thoughts into your poetry? It's tough to do, but reading can really help you (and everyone else) get there!

Okay, that's all I have to say. Just a note: this is a review completed for the Review Tournament, on this thread: clubs/2134/forum/73778. If you have more questions, check out the club!

Keep writing, and--as we say in my hometown--don't forget to be awesome.

IronSpark