z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Connection - 39

by Rook


~1086

They soon reached Everen’s room. Everen keyed in her room access code into the pin pad and the door slid open, revealing an empty room. To the left of the door was the door to Everen’s personal bathroom, and to the right was her bed, desk, and dresser. It was the standard set-up for every cabin on the ship.

After they walked in, the door slid shut behind them, and Everen felt the tension in the room rise. The captain, almost absentmindedly, slipped on a pair of gloves that had been sitting in her pocket.

Unsure of what she was supposed to do, Everen defaulted to polite hostess mode and pulled out the chair by the desk for the captain to sit on. She then perched on the edge of her bed. No, that wouldn’t do. She had to look confident. She scooted back so she had a firmer base on the bed. She consciously uncrossed her legs and arm, trying to look open and not defensive.

“What is this about, Hope?” The captain glanced down at her. She looked wary.

“So, as I’ve been chatting with other crew members, I’ve noticed that departments are using different units of measurement. Clearly, that’s an issue. But I also noticed that a couple of the uh… recently departed crew had also noticed this inconsistency. I’m worried that the killer is related to this somehow and doesn’t want this secret to be found out.”

The captain still hadn’t sat down. Instead, she stood, surveying the room, even though there wasn’t much to see. The only interest in the room was scattered on Everen’s desk: books, papers, pens, and even a half-finished sketch Everen had started depicting what she imagined the Motes to look like based on their descriptions.

This was a problem. The captain not sitting down, not the sketch. “Why don’t you sit down?” Kerra said, gesturing to the desk’s seat. It was positioned in just such an angle that the captain wouldn’t be able to see the bathroom door.

It was as if the captain couldn’t hear her. She just continued to stare at Everen’s desk. She reached forward to pick up one of Everen’s metal pens. She turned it over and over again in her hand, as if feeling the heft of it.

Everen gritted her teeth. She didn’t like to give the captain orders. It just wasn’t done. But it had to be done this time. “Captain? Please, you’re making me nervous. Sit down.”

It worked. The captain sat in the chair facing Everen, and Everen sat facing the captain and the bathroom door. “Let me tell you how it all began,” she said, a little louder than usual, as if reciting a dramatic monologue.

The captain furrowed her brow, probably wondering why Everen was saying this when she’d already told her story. But Benji, who had been listening at the bathroom door knew what it meant. He opened the door just a crack so that he and Janna could see what was going on.

Everen didn’t know what to say after that, so she said nothing and hoped that the captain would write it off as an eccentricity of some kind.

Thankfully she did, because she said, “Yeah, that sounds really concerning. What do you think we should do about the issue?”

“Well, at first I thought you should just tell everyone to fix their units, but then the murderer would know that you know about it, and then you might be in danger. I figure we do a little look into who the murderer could be.”

The captain’s voice was quiet and steady, but her leg was bouncing with a nervous energy. “The forensic team has already investigated everything that they could. What more could you find?”

Everen shrugged. “I figured out the thing about the units. That means that there’s more to find. I bet there’s a lot more evidence out there that the forensic team just overlooked. They’re just novices anyway. Not that I’m any better, but I am pretty perceptive.”

“Yeah,” the captain murmured.

Everen looked at the captain. Her heart was still slamming against her ribs, but it seemed strange to her that the captain hadn’t attacked her already. She’d half-expected the captain to attack as soon as the door had closed. Then she’d fully expected the attack after Everen had explained all the way about the units. She’d even put on gloves and picked up a murder weapon! Why wasn’t she attacking?

Maybe Everen seemed like too difficult a target. She had to make herself less of a threat. Time to get way more casual in front of her captain than she’d ever been before. Everen threw herself down on the bed. She tried to make it look like she was just fed up with the whole problem and talking with a close friend. “I don’t know how we’re going to catch the killer, but I know that we have to. For the safety of the ship.”

Everen couldn’t see the Captain well from this point of view, so she had no idea what her facial expression was when she said, “You’re right. This is a major issue that we need to solve right away. I’m just as stumped as you are, Everen. It’s an understatement to say that this series of events has troubled me.”

Maybe the captain wasn’t the killer after all. It sounded like she was on Everen’s side. She sounded horrified by the murders, just like everyone else.

She’d have to push harder. “You know, maybe we should start with motive and opportunity. Who would know about the units? Who would have had the opportunity to mess them up in the first place? You’d need to be in a pretty high position of power. Over all the departments on the ship…” Everen let her voice trail off as if she were just thinking of the implications of her statement. “Captain… this is going to sound silly but… It wasn’t by chance you who–”

The captain exploded out of her seat, the pen raised.

At nearly the same moment, Benji burst from the bathroom shouting, “Stop!”

Everen tried to shield herself with her hands, but it was too late. The pen was already at her neck, there was a pop, and then Benji had the captain’s arm wrenched behind her back. Janna rushed over to Everen, and then, a clench of awful pain, almost as bad as when Shandi had died. Everen couldn’t breathe.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
155 Reviews


Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Donate
Mon May 13, 2019 8:25 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review and to get this piece out of the Green Room!

First of all, I'd like to apologize because I can be super nit-picky at times. I'll try to balance it with general impressions and feedback, though.

I must say that I agree with @ShadowVyper below about word repetition. I get it, sometimes it's necessary to be super clear and avoid using vague language. For example, if your character is talking about another person, it can be extremely confusing to read: "She thought about her, and she smiled at the thought of her dark auburn curls and how she smiled at her." You start to wonder which is the character doing the thinking and which is the one of which the character is thinking. It's far more understandable to read: "Eleanor thought about Lydia, and she smiled at the thought of Lydia's dark auburn curls and how she smiled at Eleanor." It's a bit repetitive, but it makes it easier for your reader, who doesn't live inside your head to hear the story firsthand, to understand. But when you're referring to objects, it becomes too redundant to keep using the same word (my rule of thumb is that every word in a sentence must be used only once). The thesaurus is the writer's best friend (thesaurus .com is free). I don't want to harp too long on this because it isn't new feedback, but it's something I think is important to keep in mind. I break this rule all the time and then go back and think of other words that can convey the same meaning without being re-used.

I really love how this scene plays out with the captain being the murderer and adding a bit of a plot twist. However, I find the scenario unlikely for a couple reasons. First, why couldn't the captain hear Benji open the door, even just a crack? Is the captain hard of hearing? That would be very cool, but unless it was established previously, it's not very clear why she can't pick up on the door opening.

I also am curious as to why Evereen allowed herself to be stabbed in the neck with a pen. The way I understood the chapter, she was baiting the captain to attack her to prove she was the murderer. If that was the case, then why did she let her guard down? She seemed to be inviting the captain to attack her, and yet she wasn't prepared to defend herself. This seems needlessly careless on the part of Evereen. Is there more of an explanation as to why she allowed herself to be in this situation? I understand proving the captain did it, but why was she caught off guard?

I think you have a fantastic ending to the chapter. You have so much suspense that your readers want to come back and read more chapters. You don't have to use a cliffhanger to accomplish this, but it was beautifully written and accomplished this goal.

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo




User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sun Apr 28, 2019 1:09 am
Shady wrote a review...



Fort!

So sorry it's taken me so long to get around to leaving you a review on this. April has been a rough month all around, but! I'm here now and I'm super excited to see what you've got for me in this chapter! Let's get started...

Everen keyed in her room access code into the pin pad and the door slid open, revealing an empty room. To the left of the door was the door to Everen’s personal bathroom, and to the right was her bed, desk, and dresser.


Okay, so let me start by warning you that I realized in the review I just wrote a minute ago that I am apparently in a really anal, nitpicky mood tonight. So take everything I say with a grain of salt because I'm going to have small complaints throughout, probably. But I have several comments I want to make on this first bit lol.

1) I'm sure you've probably got my word repetition rant in the past. Possibly even multiple times lol. I give that rant a lot. But it's because I really don't like having a lot of word repetition in a short period of time -- and here you repeat the word "door" three times in two sentences. Ack. I'd suggest editing that out.

I mean you could even just do a "Immediately to the left was the door to Everen's bathroom" etc.

You also repeat "room" twice and then follow it up with "bathroom" and it's a lot of rooms as well. You could easily just eliminate the first "room" entirely -- I think her just keying in her access code, since we know we're walking to her bedroom, would be clear enough without explicitly saying it was to her room.

2) This is the really picky one, but isn't "empty room" a bit misleading? You say it's empty, but then go on to describe the things that are in it. And I recognize that you were probably saying that it didn't have any people in it -- but... why would there be people in her room for that to be something you'd need to confirm? And also, idk but my mind instantly was like ooh you're in trouble, you got your stuff confiscated -- and I really don't know why my brain leaped to that but by "empty" I thought you meant it was completely empty but then you immediately said that wasn't true. So you might wanna take another look at that phrasing?

She then perched on the edge of her bed. No, that wouldn’t do. She had to look confident. She scooted back so she had a firmer base on the bed. She consciously uncrossed her legs and arm, trying to look open and not defensive.


I <3 this so much. It's an /excellent/ little peep into her psyche and I can't get enough of it. It makes her relatable. Keep it coming!

“What is this about, Hope?”


Okay, we already know my memory is terrible in the first place, and now it's been a month since I've read this and I'm tired... but... does she not know her name is Everen? Why is she calling her Hope?

“Why don’t you sit down?” Kerra said,


... now I am /VERY/ confused about who is in this scene :P Hope? Everen? Kerra?

But Benji, who had been listening at the bathroom door knew what it meant.


Idk if this was meant to be a shocker, but... it really wasn't? So if you're hoping for an "ooooh snap" moment here you might want to be a little less heavy-handed with your foreshadowing? The talk of having the captain not face the bathroom and having Everen being facing the bathroom and I quite easily picked up on the fact that someone was hiding in the bathroom.

The captain exploded out of her seat, the pen raised.


O.o

I don't know why this is startling to me. This was like the whole plan. But I think I got lulled into a false sense of security and now I'm like oh dang she's going for it.

The pen was already at her neck, there was a pop, and then Benji had the captain’s arm wrenched behind her back.


Okay so I'm not clear on whether the pop is her getting stabbed, or if it's the captain's shoulder popping as Benji wrenches it. I'm assuming from the pain that follows she really did get stabbed, but taking another look at this wording might be a good plan?

~ ~ ~

Wow! Another excellent chapter with lots of tension and a cliffhanger ending! I love this intrigue -- the trap and the attack and all that. And I love the mystery of the ending with what's going to happen to Everen. Which... honestly kind of upsets me to know that this is the last chapter that there is so far xD

I get life gets busy, but I would /really/ like to read on in this novel so even tho it's not a LMS anymore if you wanted to write and post more I would definitely still like to be on the tag list. I'm quite invested in the story at this point and I'd like to see it to completion if you ever pick it back up again.

Hope this helped!

~Shady 8)




User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 25
Reviews: 8

Donate
Wed Apr 17, 2019 4:23 am
trailcoyote says...



Bum bum BUMMMM




User avatar
162 Reviews


Points: 1865
Reviews: 162

Donate
Tue Apr 02, 2019 3:33 pm
FireSpyGirl says...



This is great! You wrote this out really, really well. I believe that so far, this is my favorite chapter. I cannot wait for the next chapter! Nice cliffhanger as well.
I don't have any suggestions or critiques to offer. This was a great, really well written chapter. Keep up the amazing work!





“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
— Carrie Bradshaw