Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And the time comes for chapter 2.

First Impression: Umm....not sure if this should be a separate chapter...or maybe this is the same chapter as chapter 1 judging by the part two in the name. So...more backstory. That though doesn't belong in here at all. You would be much better off putting that whole android story into a prologue. Speaking of which I am not even going to attempt to see if that is a plausible thing that could have actually happened.

Anyway let's get to it,

Kerra walked down the narrow walkways to her home. While the walkways in the Upper Mains had been bright, broad thoroughfares of foot traffic, the walkways here were made of a sturdy black metal and were only wide enough for a single person. Luckily, there was rarely cause for two people going separate directions to be on the same walkway at once. Kerra tried to imagine some of the fancy Mains women walking in killer stilettos across the gridded metal, and ended up chuckling when they inevitably twisted their ankles.

Soon, the black metal of the walkway reflected the dull red sheen of faux-neon lights. The Drowned Goliath was a semi-seedy pub directly beneath Kerra’s apartment. If she wasn’t such a night-owl, she might have objected to the raucous music and chatter that lasted until the wee hours every morning. But those were the hours Kerra was usually most awake, and she appreciated the noise to remind her that the usually otherwise silent and darkened world wasn’t dead.

She climbed up a level, and reached a landing with four identical doors, set apart by numbers. Hers was LD97Y14A. [[Lower Downs, pillar number 97, section Y, Floor 14, Apartment A.]] She shoved her wrist at the scanner in her door, it unlocked, and at last, she was home.

She melted onto the overstuffed forest green sofa that sat in her living room. Every time Kerra saw it, she was reminded of photos of fat green frogs sitting on tree branches, looking bloated and self-satisfied. It didn’t match any other furniture in her house, but it was the comfiest couch she’d ever sat on, and its unconventional color made it half the price of the other couches in the store.

Her apartment was a fourth of the circular pillar. Her large living room, bed room, and kitchen windows had excellent views of the lights in the city, most of which came from windows identical to hers in rooms identical to hers. The androids who had build the city had created something amazing that should have been impossible, but when it came to details such as varied residential architecture, they didn’t have much imagination.

In the beginning of Abyssia, it was much too small for the entire human population that had been in stasis, but they had worked with the space they had. However, being in an unnatural, suspended state for so long (not to mention the high levels of ambient radiation) had wreaked havoc on the gene pool, and infertility was the biggest threat to the future of humanity. The population had been in a steady decline for centuries, and now housing was dirt cheap.

Shandi? Kerra reached out with her mind to her sister.

What? Shandi snapped back. I’m a little busy right now.

I was just wondering if maybe we could get together again soon. I’ve been missing your lively company.

There was a short silence, but Kerra waited patiently.

Yeah, sure. How does later tonight sound? Do you mind if I bring a few friends?

Kerra smiled to herself. I’d expect nothing less.

Heyo Fort-ee,

Shady back again. Since I can't seem to come up with creative openings for any of these billion reviews that I'm choosing to spam you with this weekend, I'm just going to do obnoxious things to your username instead Let's get started with the review...

Kerra tried to imagine some of the fancy Mains women walking in killer stilettos across the gridded metal, and ended up chuckling when they inevitably twisted their ankles.

Hers was LD97Y14A. [[Lower Downs, pillar number 97, section Y, Floor 14, Apartment A.]]

Every time Kerra saw it, she was reminded of photos of fat green frogs sitting on tree branches, looking bloated and self-satisfied.

Hey Fort!

I agree with Pompadour about the atmosphere. You've set it so well!

It's the little details that really make it. Kerra's address, for example, is such a tiny thing but it really shows how densely populated her home is, and how impersonally organised it is and yet she lives above a pub with such a wonderfully characteristic name. I look forward to watching this world expand through the little details like that.

The bluntness of her conversation with Shandi is great in this scene. I considered if it might have been better with a bit more description or introspection surrounding it, but actually the lack of it and the ambiguity of the dialogue without too much explanation actually works really well.

The description of the past feels a bit distant. Compared to how well you've introduced the world, for me it just slipped a bit here. Plot-wise it's pretty cool, but I couldn't really feel how it connected to Kerra or the Low Downs, or at least, not this metallic, neon-stained landscape that's been painted so far.

Part Three ->

[Added Note: glancing back after reading a few chapters on, the bluntness of that conversation feels so much more significant, but I'll explain why later.]

Hello again, fortis!

I like that this chapter shifts to a more domestic view than the bright lights of the city in the first chapter. It's a cool contrast!

Kerra got off at the end of the residential elevator line. At that point, it would have been futile to even try to hide her circuitry, so she hadn’t even bothered lowering her face.

She angled her wrist at the scanner and the Drowned Goliath’s doors unlocked.

She melted onto the overstuffed forest green sofa that sat in her living room. Every time Kerra saw it, she was reminded of photos of fat green frogs sitting on tree branches, looking bloated and self-satisfied. It didn’t match any other furniture in her house, but it was the comfiest couch she’d ever sat on, and its unconventional color made it half the price of the other couches in the store.

The population had been in a steady decline for centuries, and now housing was dirt cheap.

This was how, despite the fact that her only job was being a human walkie-talkie for the government, Kerra could easily afford her own place as well as food and other necessities.

Hi again!

If I haven't mentioned already, I absolutely love the atmosphere you've built here. It's calm and lulling--which is odd, considering how much of what we have been introduced to is Unusual and Different, but the way you write in Kerra's p.o.v makes the unfamiliar seem familiar. There are some things I'm struggling to wrap my head around, like the details of humanity's stasis--where were they placed in deep sleep? Who engineered the process? Scientists? Was it the androids that woke them up, or was it an automated process? How many people does the population of Abyssia amount to? How exactly is the life Kerra has awoken to different from the life she knew? We've already been told that the government is composed of these various council members, but who placed these people in positions of power? Was it through election? These aren't questions you need to answer immediately, but they are things you can mull over and include as you write on. (Also, apologies if you mentioned some of these things earlier? and my brain glossed over it? because there is always the high chance of that happening. XP)

Also, we know Shandi has 'moved on', so to speak, and that Everen is on her mission ... but what about their mother? The narrator also dropped a couple of other details in the last chapter that I would not mind seeing explored more concretely, such as Kerra mourning for the people who died/her old life. As of yet, we haven't been introduced to any major characters in person, so I am looking forward to finally meeting Shandi's acquaintanceship. (Another question I do have is about language, culture, and diversity, seeing as this world is a clustercave of whatever humanity survived 250 years ago. Do all the people speak English? Were the survivors concentrated to include only certain nations?)

We haven't seen any androids yet, either, and I am very curious about them + their role. There must be a lot of them--what do they do now that their initial task of constructing the underground city is complete? Expansion? Repair? Are they used for menial tasks, such as transporting goods? Do they mingle among humans, or are they synonymous to robot slaves and the like?

Ah! and resources! Where do people get food and water from? I guess these are all questions that will be answered in due course.

I like how you pepper tiny details among the conglomeration of Major Worldbuilding Details--like the inn, the fact that houseplants and housing schemes and other completely normal things exist in this survival landscape. They are small things, but they are things I find myself getting attached to, and they help me visualise this world a whole lot better.

I'm also curious about stuff like law and crime rates--you can't expect everyone to conform to what the council demands of it, right? Even if the crime rate is low because a) there isn't much point to breaking the law in a city this small, b) housing and other necessities are more or less affordable, and c) unemployment is low, there is still bound to be some form of dissent. I don't know your world well enough to comment on this, but. Is Shandi's gang similar to a street gang? And will there be law breaking? Because I sure am keen to see more of this. (In a similar vein, is there a justice system to this world? Am I asking too many questions?)

Mm, I don't really see any stakes surfacing in the narrative so far, but I do like how you have already paved the way for internal character conflict in-so-far (Kerra's issues regarding herself/her skin/her job using her sisters as a basis for comparison, small quirks, the general loneliness and shifting of pace as she tries to settle down emotionally, etc.). I am looking forward to an external conflict being introduced soon, though!

Oh! One more thing--initially while reading this chapter, I was confused as to whether Kerra actually ventured through the Heats at all, and I had to reread that section to understand that it was her wanting to go to that level at some point, not an actual traipse through greenhouse valley. I think this confusion is mostly because my brain couldn't orient itself to understanding how one would catch a glimpse of the Heats through a level that was higher? Although I understood that the plants are probably visible through the gaps in the walkways, some sort of clarification might help the mental disconnect. Or maybe I'm just stupid, haha.

Overall, I'm really enjoying this so far, and am looking forward to seeing the plot develop! Keep writing! Keep it up!

Hope this review proves helpful to you~ I'll be back to bug you over the next chapter soon, haha.

Cheers.

~Pomp x

Hello again!

God before I forget again I meant to ask last time: do all the triplets have synthetic skin? Were they all born with the same skin condition? Or is it just Kerra?

OK now that that's done. This was another really excellent chapter! I wouldn't say there's a single info-dumpy thing in this one to be perfectly honest. I'm loving all the details about the world and I can picture it all incredibly well. I also really enjoy the way we're seeing Kerra's personality come out through the details she notices and the things she keeps in her apartment. I'm also really excited to get to see her and Shandi get together soon!

One of the main things I'm wondering about so far is why Kerra is so unusual. We're 250 years in the future (from a time that already feels like it must have been the future, since Kerra was able to get entirely synthetic skin which doesn't seem like a thing that is quite possible now?) so it seems like this sort of thing would have caught on in a variety of ways. Is it the skin thing that sets her apart? Or that it's "ancient" tech at this point? Have there been no hipster trends to embrace the old tech? Is she not charmingly antique?

The only other thing I want to mention is I'm still not quite sure what the conflict is yet. Two chapters in, and typically we have a hint of the first challenge coming to our protagonist at least. I definitely get the sense that the sister going on the mission is going to be a big factor in the plot, but I'm not sure what Kerra wants or what her challenge is going to be. Of course, this is a first draft! So it's not the end of the world if these details start to come in chapters 3, 4, or even 5. But it is something you want to try to introduce earlier, rather than later.

Otherwise, I'm having so much fun reading this! Your attention to detail is fabulous and, like I said, I'm really really excited to see Kerra and Shandi (and Shandi's friends) to get together. Thanks so much for sharing! Keep writing!

--Lauren