Even if it kills us
I’ll always remember you
Even if it kills me
Because I'm in love with you
And no one can tell me whom to love or marry
You’re the one I wanna be with
For the rest of my life time
- Forgotten paradise
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey there!
As a person in the LGBT+ community, it's always interesting to see other people with similar experiences as me who choose to write about them, or just see allies who have written things for people they know who are a part of the community.
This is pretty short, and I think it works as a poem on the shorter side. It has meaning too, so that helps it feel like more than just a random poem in my opinion, but random poems aren't always very bad. I'm getting off topic though, so let's get into the review.
I understand what this is trying to say, but it isn't executed that well. If something kills a person, they are dead because of it, so nothing could "kill to death" because kill means to "cause the death of something or someone."
Good job!
Best,
Max
Thank you, so much
Hi! After reading the description, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. As a member of the lgbtq+ community with experience in dealing with an unsupportive family, I would like to say that this is nice and simple, but still good at describing the feeling of loving someone. One thing that I would change, however, is the use of the word "who." I would put "whom" instead. First, it's grammatically correct. Second, and this is totally up to you, I feel like it would make this piece sound a little more dramatic. The way I read this, and the way it flows in my mind, "whom" just sounds different.
Here, I'll give an example:
Original: "And no one can tell me who to love or marry."
My edit: "And no one can tell me whom to love or marry."
Another thing I would change is this sentence: "Even if it kills me to death." I think I know what you were going for here, but it feels a bit redundant. Instead of saying "kills me to death," because if you've been killed whether figuratively or literally "death" is obvious, I feel like it would be better to delete that part.
Here's an example:
Original: "Even if it kills me to death."
Edit: "Even if it kills me"
I would also get rid of the "because." I feel just stating "I'm in love with you" would leave a greater impact. You don't have to explain the love, I think it's pretty clear. So, I would personally choose to just delete the "because." It's the same thing with "life time." Instead of "life time," I would maybe delete "time." I might scrap that entire phrase and put "years."
Here's what I mean:
Original: "You're the one I wanna be with for the rest of my life time."
Edit: You're the one I want to be with for the rest of my years.
That's all I can think of for this review. I think what you wrote was a lovely idea, and I hope I'm not coming off as too harsh.
oh thank you for your help i will do that