Published December 31, 2009
Her lush white teeth scraped against my neck, her pale hands grasping at the material on my coat desperately. I shivered with intense fear and my wings fluttered, and then the searing pain in my neck hit me. They came from two exact points, and I screamed.
“Vampire!” My wings unfurled faster than they ever had before and I flew skywards, my feet hitting the ground behind her a few seconds later. Her eyes were black with such intense thirst. The warm blood still trickled down my neck, and she couldn’t keep focused on my eyes for more than a few seconds. My fear was visible; it was running through my veins and my expression every time I moved. As I glanced my side the blur of my black wings fluttering was in the side of my vision. She took one pace forward, then another, and another. The small steps got closer and closer together until I screamed and ran away, my wings plucking me off the ground every few seconds. A sharp feeling hit my neck along with a warm breath breathing into it.
“Don’t. Run.” Tempest whispered, with a voice deep and silk like, but with certain urgency. My feet scraped against the gravel path, my eyes fixed on scenery ahead, but my vision got more blurred with each sharp draw of pain against my neck. Each one of my movements or struggles got slower, until it even took a few seconds to blink. I turned to the side and saw her eyes closed, small trickles of blood running down my neck. I started to cry quietly, a few tears following the lines of my cheeks. I was going to die.
“Please….” I pleaded, but she just gripped me tighter. It hurt me mentally and physically. I thought she was going to be there for me, be my friend. But a vampire? She would just hurt me! I had just been her prey all this time. My eyes closed, and all I could see was the midday sun through my eyelids. A few seconds later, I could see nothing at all.
I woke up with my eyes to the sky, it dusk. Not many clouds were in the sky. Trees were hanging above my view with apple hanging off them, and orchard perhaps. I had seen one in the distance. I looked down at myself. My body was laid on a carved out log, a blanket around me. The warmth was comforting. I ran my hand down my neck, and found that gauze covered the sharp teeth marks on the side. My eyes opened slowly, and Tempest was sitting on a log on the other side of the fire. Her head was in her hands, but I could see that her eyes were brighter. She looked well. A burning fire was in the middle of us, that was were the warmth was radiating from obviously.
“Lexus, I…” She looked up and I could see now that her face was tear-stained. I had never seen her look so guilty.
“You don’t need to apologize, Tempest. It is what you were born as, as was I an angel. But why didn’t you tell me? It wouldn’t have hurt me so much if you had.” Her eyes returned to the ground, and a tear ran down her face. I sat up slowly and leant back, trying to look as well as I could. I couldn’t bear to see her like this. I know she had hurt me, but she was my higher and I needed to respect her needs. I was just like her little servant, but she hadn’t given me that formal title yet. And, at this time, the servant needed to comfort their master by keeping quiet.
“You wouldn’t have treated me the same! I read your thoughts as I fed off you, the thoughts of fears, the flashes of the word ‘monster’ running through your head. If you think that, maybe you are the monster!” The words hurt me, and on the last word I flinched. She threw her head back into her hands and cried more violently, so loud I could hear her sobbing and see her chest heave. I got up and walked over to her, sitting down next to her saddened person. Her sleeves were wet and half way down her arm; I could see a slash on the left.
“What is that?” I asked, running my fingers down the line. She hit them away.
“I had to give the blood back, didn’t I?! When we feed, the amount of blood we take doubles. So I gave you the other half back.” Her voice was still bitter, but she had calmed down a little. She buried her head in my chest.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Okay, part 5, here I go.
I like this, and look forward to seeing where you take it!
Hey forgottenfallen, here's the review you asked for! Hope I can help at least a little
Okay, I can't do the rest as thorough, but I'll go quick and hopefully hit the points. (sorry, but I'm running out of time on the computer)
try 'but silky'.
just say blurred.
This part doesn't make sense to me, but I'm not sure how to fix it.
either pick one, or say 'and' not 'or'.
Not something you can see from a side-view. Maybe he saw it on her cheek or something, from her first bite. I dunno, but try looking at your neck and see how impossible it it.
Try putting this into thought format. I'm going to die. Although, in reality, characters wouldn't be able to think such corny lines, something someone else caught me doing in my stuff.
Just scanning this briefly, I have a problem. If writing in first person, you don't describe the scenery in that manner right after waking up. When you wake up first thing in the morning, you probably don't think about where you are, unless you don't recognize it, true enough. If you were in (or on, but I think in works better) a hollow tree, you'd see the sky, and maybe the edges of the log or overhanging trees, but that'd be it until you sat up and looked around. I'd see what you can do to make it more... true to life.
I thought his name was Lexine...
I know what you're trying to say, but DANG that sounds weird! Maybe try fixing that.
Tempest doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would let her emotions show that... openly. Maybe just take off that last part, unless she really is that open about her emotions, but it sorta conflicts with the closed-off persona thus far. I dunno.
Yeah, that, again, doesn't sound right. Maybe try 'I read your emotions when I fed' or something.
Again with the exclimation points. I know you're trying to get the point across, but more than one looks trashy.
Um... yeah, that really doesn't work. It just doesn't sound right. 'by her shaking frame' would sound better, but 'saddened person' just doesn't work, especially with the pronoun 'her' before it. 'The' yes, 'her' no. Just a picky detail I wanted to point out.
After just calling him a monster, I don't think ANY person would do that. I'd suggest changing that part, or even take it out all together.
Overall: I really liked it, very captivating. A few fixes (even though it looks like a lot, it's not all that bad) and it'll be even better. The plot stays original and your take on the blood thing was very unique. The paragraphs are looking AMAZINGLY better! And the length is improving too, you're getting really good at this! Lexine and Tempest both have really good personalities, and Tempest intrigues me. Very good story! Keep writing it.
Hopefully I helped at least a little, and as always, hopefully I wasn't too harsh.
~Addict
Hi ForgottenFallen
I personally think you're good writer but if you're stuck I think I know what you should do. You should have Tempest screaming because his blood is poisoned. I do agree that she should be outlawed but I also believe that Lexine should be really deeply upset that he hurt Tempest. I think he should try and comfort her and make it so it's natural that she spurts out all this stuff about doing this before. It needs some romance then after she stops crying make her angry instead of calm. She needs to express a negative emotion clearly, make it feel like they are close then make them break apart but make Lexine think about her more. Goodluck with the story.
Iamyoursacrifice xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'M YOUR FRIEND
a few things
)
first: im honored! thank you so much for the PM you sent me! It makes me so happy to know that someone on here thinks so highly of me! (but ill get off my high horse now
second:
was that supposed to be must? or should it be much?
third: What should happen next? hm... well what if Tempest is an outcast from a vampire clan because she ran away (or did something bad) and shes running from the clan hunters who want her back?
watcha think?
fourth: you wanted to know what i wrote recently so you could critique it (or something like that) i recently wrote a song called the background and i would be so happy if you commented/critiqued it
Thank you so much and keep writing
Emoticon220♥
It's your own work nobody know the story line as well as you. Try coming up with many ideas and see how they flow with the other parts. The one that makes most sense, flows, and catches peoples attention would come next. You decided! This is very good. I sure you'll be able to come up with a great idea, you did for the others. Keep writing and good luck.
I'll give suggestions after I read the other parts because I don't like skipping. SO,brb!
it's your own work!!!
you should decide! This is very good! really gripping and i don't think there's much bad about it... just wrack your brains and I'm sure you'll be able to spark up an idea for the next bit. keep writing!