Published December 17, 2009
Early morning opened into the sky, the bands of orange light rising into the blue, like a sunset in reverse. Not a car was on the road on the New York Sunday, not a stirring light. Yet. The cold was bitter; black ice laced the roads which would be hell for the drivers that were rushing into work. Some humans were hard working, working on Sundays all the way into the night. It was tiring even to watch. Soon it would all set off, and I would have to move. I did not want to be judged by those people from the outside.
My black trench coat was all curled up under me. As I got up I pulled it straight, redoing the crossing buttons. I ran my hand down my back, checking for loose feathers or bumps in my coat. It had happened before; my wings not furled under enough, my identity too visible to the vague human world. I used to sleep in Times Square, under the massive billboards that gave me shelter from the rain, but the light got too great for my sensitive eyes. For all intent and purpose, I was a hawk, with my beady sensitive eyes and lightning fast reflexes.
I had recently gotten some new shoes, a generous middle aged female giving me a small sum of money to get me the items that I needed. It was a nice feeling, the new grips under my feet, the fresh material sliding against my soles. For once in this big city, it hadn’t rained, but the roads were covered in a thick layer of slushy sleet. Ah, how the humans over-exaggerated Christmas, rushing and worrying through the night-time streets. It was amusing to watch.
I continued to walk into the centre of the city, when something changed. My sensitive ears picked up the noise of light steps behind me, my feet speeding up slightly with worrying reflex. This always worried me, it was something humans did. But why did I have it? Surely in a bad situation you would want to hide that you were worried or scared. It would help in a fight. But the way your muscles tightened and your breathing sped up along with the painful feeling of your hearts expanding in your chest... if you have two hearts like me, that is. I held my mind to stop my wings from fluttering under my coat. The steps were slow, but close together, the shadow barely visible from the low sun. Even though it was a few hours after dawn, the sun was still bright enough to hurt my highly sensitive eyes as I walked the streets. I resisted the urge to turn around and look.
“Stranger,” a female voice said clearly, loud enough that it was fairly obvious that it was aimed at me.
“Yes miss?” I asked politely, stopping my feet from walking forward whilst turning around. They crunched into the white sleet and through to the pavement. I held my tongue to stop myself from saying anything in remark to her appearance. Brown hair waved neatly down to her shoulders, framing her heart shaped face, her skin like the snow that laced the ground. Her eyes were a molten gold, with sparkles of green behind. Something that I had never seen in a human before. Her top was covered with a leather jacket buckled to the side, but her legs were bare expect for a pair of denim wide legged trousers. Trainers were on her feet, like the ones Olympic runners wore for training. Obviously an athletic human out for a morning jog.
“Humans aren’t normally up this time in the morning. What’s your name, stranger?” Human? What the hell did she mean by that?! Firstly, how could she have seen through my thick disguise; was it my wings? Secondly, if she wasn’t human, why was she taking the chance on asking if I wasn’t human? What if I was? I could get her captured! My head whirred with ideas until a few seconds later I came back to the present. Her voiced sounded like a song, chimes in the freezing morning wind. I was barely aware enough to hear the word that caressed her lips and vibrated the air. I quivered slightly. She had said human, I had heard it clearly.
“Humans? Hahaha. Nice joke miss. They call me Lexus, Lexus Torn. What is such a high class woman like you doing out this early in the morning? Clubbing, perhaps?” I asked smoothly, trying to hide the worry in my voice. She didn’t seem human, she knew too much. And that voice, a voice like chimes or the most luxurious of silks. That would not be of human lips.
“Clubbing, ha. Human behaviour, huh? You would know how humans act, you try your best to fit in, as I can tell. Take off your coat, Lexus. I want to know what you are.” She laughed to herself, brushing a careful wave of mahogany hair out of her eye, revealing her left eye. She looked so beautiful. I trembled, swallowing slowly. My hands shook as I undid my buttons, my eyes still on her face. I didn’t know what I was doing; I was about to reveal my identity to someone who might just be a very scheming human. It felt like my mind was being told what to do by someone else, but I couldn’t force it out. A smile caressed it. As my fingers slid the coat off my broad shoulders, she took a step closer. The smile was turning menacing, striking fear into my bones, but also contained a sustainable amount of seduction. My wings fluttered with fear and the cold of the bare wind, and opened next to my arms. Her hands rested lightly on my shoulders, and she didn’t look scared, nor surprised. Only intrigued.
“Lexus, my name is Tempest. I’m not like you, yet I am. We are the same, yet different. I’m here to help you, be your master, your teacher. Maybe even your friend one day. Take my hand.”
I held my small hand out to her, and she grabbed it. And, within a few seconds, I was being dragged off into the dawning New York lights.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I would just like to thank everybody for the amount of help I got on EVERY part of Angels and Vampires so far!!!!!
Its been so helpful, and its you guys that has made it the amazing story it is today x
Forgotten x
Okay, the first time I tried to do this, my dad decided it would be fun to mess around with the Internet, so the whole thing got deleted. Well, here's your review--a lot later (sorry)--as requested!
This is beyond unrealistic. New York always has cars on the street, noise, and lights. If you want this to be the way the place is described, New York is not your best bet. Unless it's out in the country-ish parts of New York, not New York City. If it's NYC, change the description -- if you want to keep the description, change the location.You have 'sensitive eyes' twice here. Try to, I dunno, spice it up and re-word it? Maybe something like:
...but eventually the light grew to be too great. I was like a hawk, with my piercing eyes.
Notice how I left out the reflex part? Well, it's optional I guess, but doesn't have much to do with the billboards in Time Square, or the lights.
How can there be slushy sleet if there was no rain?
unless in a name, it should be spelled center.
Maybe try:
My sensitive ears suddenly detected the sound of light footsteps behind me. I sped up unconsciously, my muscles tensing with worry.
Or something like that
Don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'd suggest avoiding second person, if at all possible. Things like you and your just don't usually work when telling a story like this. Try re-writing it in your regular, first person.
Much like EmmaJane said, I actually picture him holding his brain. Might want to consider changing that.
Saying held my tongue, although still technically correct, I picture him literally holding his tongue, sorta like the brain thing.
Then her legs wouldn't be bare... so maybe the bare part could be taken out.
I found it ironic how the very next word is 'obviously'. They're Trainers, no duh they'd be for training. Just take out the 'for training' and that might sound better.
I’d suggest putting Lexus’s questions in a separate paragraph.
I could capture her!
voice, not voiced. Also, I’d suggest you take out the ‘a song’ part, so it’s just Her voice sounded like chimes in the freezing morning wind.
Either just one ha, or maybe two, but don’t put them all together like that. It’s not grammatically correct.
Why’d hr just randomly introduce himself in the middle of his confusion. Don people usually try and keep things like that... on the DL until they at least know something about the other person? Especially not after what she just said.
”Clubbing? Ha. Pathetic human behaviour. Of course you would know how humans act. You try your best to fit in, I can tell. Take off your coat, Lexus; I want to know what you’re hiding.” I dunno how to rewrite this part very well, but that’s your job, so I won’t bother with worrying about it. But her little speech needs to sound more... realistic. Like actual speech.
Separate with a paragraph.
Caressed what? Also, make this another paragraph (not just this sentence, but start it here).
Her smile
but it also contained... or [b]but also containing...[b]
nor should be or in this case.
Aren’t girls usually the ones with small hands? Maybe she held her small (or delicate, or pale, any number of things) hand out to him, and he took it. Just an idea.
I liked your story on the whole. I’m not entirely sure about the exchange between Tempest and Lexus; it could be a little more... natural. It seems like she already knew who he was, so what’s the point in her asking? But anyway, I like the story thus far (and by that, I mean part 9, ‘cause that’s as far as you’ve posted
~Addict
Hello there friend. I'm just here for some friendly comments. You have a talent for description. You really do. But, I see that some people have bombarded you with saying that your character has no personality. I think that's a little harsh. You made it clear that this is a lonely angelic being in your previous chapter.
The gain some people tell me the same thing with my book. They tell me I have wonderful description of the environment and other details but that some of my characters are vacant. When I asked them how I could fix that they said to give them voice. Now, I'm writing in the third person omniscient point of view so naturally the characters will never be as understandable as you can make yours. Seeing as you are writing in the first person point of view.
Your story is told from the point of view of one person. Remember that in order for people to believe that your character is real he has to seem like he knows his surroundings. He is not just a drone to carry the reader through the narrative, he is the narrative.
Hello FF! (Can I call you that?) I'm here with the review for the next section! I though you deserved a more thorough review from me today, so I've been examining it with a magnifying glass or two...
Nitpicks!
Anyway!
Wow, great poetic start here.
But sunrise basically is a sunset in reverse...
I don't like the wording in the last part. It was a little confusing. It would sound better continued in past tense.
: ...behind me, and my steps quickened, a worrying reflex as it was also something the humans did.
Which dispels the: "with worrying reflex. This always worried me, it was something humans did."
The repetition annoyed me. C:
I guessed you went back to talking about the "reflex", but this isn't very clear. Because before it you say "it was something the humans did". So maybe, in what I've quoted, replace the "have" with "do".
...breathing sped up, along with the...
Could you maybe possibly reword this? I, for some reason, have strange images of him holding his brain in his hands... O.o
Sounds odd, like their feet have a mind of their own.
Heart-shaped
: ...her skin was like the snow...
: ...her skin was white like the snow...
Maybe join the two sentences, 'cause I though you were moving on to the next description.
: ...green behind; something that...
Just a thought.
But then her legs aren't bare - she's wearing trousers.
I would pick either the exclamation mark or the question mark. Using both is best reserved for fanfic or some other thing. Maybe scrap the exclamation mark, because the exclamation is shown clearly through the "what the hell".
Just you on your lonesome, so early in the morning?
Voice?
I really like this line. (:
Nice joke, miss.
Plus, I don't like all the "haha"s shoved together, seems more like review format.
Forced what out? Caressed what?
Isn't she holding out her hand for him to take? That's what I assumed when I read the "take my hand".
Wow. Aside from the few things I picked out, this was really, really good! Although, to me, it feels as though the first chapter is some kind of prologue and this is actually the first chapter. Wow.. can't believe you're actually twelve, lol. This is developing well, and I can't wait to read all the other chapters.
~Emma
Okay, so I'm finally getting down to Chapter 2! I like how the story's starting to take shape now and there are some intriguing parts. Not too many nitpicks as last time, I think.
Okay, good story! I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes!
Hey there! I'm here as requested. I skipped out chapter one because you already had a fair few reviews, and I couldn't add too much.
Nitpicks
Well, my first nitpick would be your opening paragraph. There's not much emotion in it and it just jumps around from place to place. And all I can get out of it is a faint sense of disdain for the human race, although I don't know if that's what you want to convey, and if it is then it's not that well done. Work on your description in it first; tell the readers a little bit more about your MC's view of New York and everything. Develop the ideas you have here, and expand them a little more. Not too much, we don't want to get bored, but enough so that the first paragraph stops being bland. But yeah, work on your description and conveying emotion.
In addition, it all seems to go so fast! This will be helped if you expand on some things, but you need to watch out for a tendency to rush. For example, you literally give the reader one or two sentences about a subject then move on to another without much transition. This is especially noticeable at the end of the paragraph when you speedily move on to him hearing the woman. I mean, we do want a little more meat than that.
'Crossing' should be 'crossed'?
Should be: ' "Stranger," a female voice ... ' If you're confused about dialogue grammar then take a look here.
But my main point for you today is to work on description. Add to your story! We have something here, definitely, but at the moment you've rushed. I know that some things might not seem important to you at the beginning, like the opening paragraph and description, but that doesn't mean you just skim over them. Take time over these things, and your story will benefit.
One last thing, I don't think that the ending is very believable. Sure, it could happen, but why? This guy has seemed independent, free-willed, strong, and now he's running off with the first pretty lady he sees? Add some more in here, explain it further.
I hope this helps! I'll move on to your next chapters soon.
Bye!
~Amy
This makes me wonder, What happends next? Now this would be ok to make the reader wonder because they want to keep reading. Good job.
_Mackenzie
I've editted it throughly to your points Fire, thank-you x
And anyway, this is what I want Lexine to look like! I know all of you got in a bit of a tiff over Lexine maybe being a girl (or even heaven lol) so here it is
Here I am again, yes its the friendly YWS Fire here, ready to start reviewing as requested! Hope I do a good job again, wish me luck
The review.
Comma after Yet not a period.
This sentence if very confusing if read properly. What i can get of the meaning is that Lexine's black trench coat is curled under him while he got up. Try something like -
My black trench coat was all curled up under me. As I got up my hands pulled it straight, redoing the crossing buttons.
Or some other combination Okay? ^^
Should be too right?
While the first part of the sentence is in past tense in the same sentence you relate something that happened before in present tense. And purchase is a better word than get me the me being unnecessary.
Technically this sentence is wrong. There cannot be a slide of fresh material under Lexine's soles.
The first part of the sentence and the second have no relation at all so there's no reason why you should combine those two sentences. Further one should use the words 'made' and 'get' only when necessary as there are many better words that can be used in its place.
So Lexine turned his head around about 180 degrees and then stopped his feet from moving?
“Yes miss?” I asked politely, stopping my feet from walking forward and/while/whilst turning around.
These sentences, as far as I understood mean that Lexine had never not seen molten gold eyes with sparkles of green behind. So the correct sentences would be -
Her eyes were a molten gold, with sparkles of green behind. Something that I had never seen in a human before.
Add and a before song.
No no no, I know what your trying to say but this isn't the right way to do it. Here's how -
And that voice,
thea Understand that when using the it points out that this voice is one of a kind and when adding like after voice you make it seem like this voice is similar to another voice that sounded like chimes. Get it? voice like chimes or the mostluxuryluxurious of silks Add an s because there are other known silks less luxurious than what you wrote about. And as Luxury is not an adjective it cannot be used before a noun(silk).Overall it should be - And that voice, a voice like chimes or the most luxurious of silks.
Ummmm... get it?
Do not start like this. Be more creative and try to write whole sentences instead of emphasizing meaningless words.
I don't understand your sentence but I'm guessing intense should be intent, am I right?
Add to before watch.
Hmm... I think you can come up with a better word instead of held, something like forced or restrained or maybe inhibited(not sure about this though). But held too is okay.
Well done, your original plot carries on. There are no cliches or similarities to other stories i've read yet.
Spoiler
I see that you've separated the story in paragraphs this time, much more than before, well done!
What I don't understand is why Lexine gave in to Tempest as soon as she asked for him to remove his jacket. Was it some kind of power she had? If so then why have you not mentioned how Lexine felt when he did something against his will? Or was Lexine afraid or Tempest?
You've written the story well apart from the mistakes I showed you above and any mistakes I might have overlooked. But you have not explained much of the settings where the story takes place. Leaving that to the reader to imagine. That my friend is not good. One should only let the reader imagine things if you want to make the story more interesting and mostly at cliffhangers, but the setting must be explained.
Well, that's it for my simple review. Hope you found it helpful and well written
Nice job, better than the last chapter and not to mention more understandable and interesting.
Keep it up Forgottenfallen!
PM me if you have any question or need a review or if you have a problem with my review.
See Ya Soon
-Fire-