Published December 30, 2009
“Lexus!” A shrill voice shouted in my ear, sounding still silky even with the loud volume. She shook me with her long-fingered hands. I had already been half awake, the freezing blanket of snow under my back not disturbing me. It was just the silence, it disturbed the way I thought and dreamed. But, still, I had slept in a lot worse.
My feet scraped against the ground as I got up, my hands rubbing my eyes which were still adjusting to the morning light. It had been a long time since I hadn’t woken up in a city. The hills in the distance were dotted white, but the morning sunlight had already started to melt it. This made it look stunning.
Last night had been the most interesting night of my existence, but was also shrouded with despair and fear. I mean, why was she hiding so much from me? I had told her all about myself, so it would have been polite for her to have told me a little bit more. There was just something about her, which compelled me to get to know her but also wish to run away. It was just a distant reflex at the back of my mind. She had given me some new clothes, including a new pair of denim jeans and a button up cotton t-shirt, all from the heavy backpack on her back that seemed to carry a lot of weight. She didn’t look distressed by carrying it all the time.
After stretching and kicking over the ashes of the burnt out fire, we started to walk through the rolling hills again. It was cold, overcast, and rain clouds hovered over the horizon. Today was going to be hard. Tempest didn’t seem to eat much, but smiled when she saw me devour anything she gave me. No wonder she was so thin. This made me point back to the possibility of her being human, as humans always watched what they ate in the hope that it would make them more beautiful. If only they knew the laws of immortality.
Her eyes weren’t as bright as they had been two days ago; they didn’t have the same shimmer. The gold had became a light hazel and the emerald a dark green. It was just something about her.
“You have to eat something this morning, Lexus. We have a long way to walk.” She turned her head as she said this, but her feet kept walking forwards. There wasn’t a step out of place as she did this; she kept a sustained amount of elegance.
“If you say so. But what about you? Surely you must be tired by now.” I said this quietly, I didn’t want to get on her bad side. Yes, it was true that we had a long way to walk, and the air grew drier with every step. The temperature was sustained at 70 degrees Fahrenheit at the most, even in the middle of the day. Food in my stomach would make me feel a lot better.
“I’m not tired, I’m thirsty. Leave me alone, I didn’t sleep well and I’m snappy.” Her voice was sharp and final, in a way that it wasn’t meant to be replied to. Still, a ‘sorry’ uttered out of my lips. She didn’t tell me where we were going, and I didn’t want to ask. It was like I was a burden to carry around. But why did she pick me up in the first place then?
When I was little, and at home before I fell, I was a very lazy child. Everything got done for me as my parents were direct descendants of the elders of our country. I hardly ever had to do anything for myself, yet I liked to run through the lush green hills behind my home and laugh at how the animals played around me. The sky was always black and wonderful, some stars much larger than the others, large enough to see the blue supernovas emerging inside. This meant that walking for twelve hours a day didn’t cause me to be out of breath, I was just tired.
The wind was light, only a few heavy touches blowing my hair in my face occasionally. I closed my eyes to cherish the winter’s breath, but then the steady pace of Tempest’s steps in front of me stopped. My eyes opened. Her right leg was curled behind her so she was crouched low to the ground. Mahogany hair blew across her face, revealing a pair of eyes the color of the purest of jet or the darkest of onyx. She growled softly through her teeth, but the sound struck fear into my bones.
“T...Tempest?” I asked quietly, taking one small step towards her. The wind was still hanging in the air. Her nose was flared like she had caught a scent in the air, and a smile was across her lips. It didn’t disguise the growl that was under her teeth. Her head snapped to the side so quickly that I flinched, and her neck cocked it to the side. She looked intrigued. Then, with a quick growl, she lurched for me.
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Here I am with part 4!
Ooooh trouble! Look forward to reading more!
Hey forgottenfallen, sorry I didn't review sooner. Let's see...
I'd change to 'the air grew drier with every step.'You use 'tiresome' twice, and I think 'tired' would be better. Tiresome literally means 'causing weariness, annoyance, or boredom' and I don't think that's what you're going for
might be better as 'get on her bad side'
A couple things here. One, people rarely flat-out say "I'm snappy", but that might just be your character, hence there would be nothing wrong with it. The third sentence should be a new paragraph--remember, every time a new character speaks is a new paragraph (you've got that on all the others as far as I can see thought!
try Everything had been done for me. See which you like better.
Many people have said to write out numbers, something I myself still struggle with. But I'd recommend it!
Separate with a paragraph.
sounds funny to me. I dunno, but I pictured this little cartoon Chibi prancing through a field in an apron and patting deer as he went by. So yeah, sort of weird to me
Repeat of open and eyes could easily be change (maybe not eyes, but open at least). Take out the second sentence, or at least the first part of it. Personally, I spell it color, not colour, but both are grammatically correct, so it's not a big deal. But the way you describe her eyes... I know what you're after, but saying 'of the purest of jet' doesn't seem right; maybe try 'of the darkest onyx' or something (you ARE after black, right?). Also, say something like 'She growled softly through her teeth.'
Huh? Wacked out sentence if you ask me! Not sure how you can fix it, but I'd definitely try.
'she lurched at me' would sound less obvious I think. I know sometimes obvious giveaways are good, but I disagree in this case. I'd say, you gave us some hints, but you want to keep us guessing so we want to keep coming back.
Sorry to be so... harsh! I really did like it though.
~Addict
Forgotten,
Once again... excellent piece of work you've written. Basically the same things I had pointed out before, still the name Lexine I picture a girl, when I know it's a guy. Lol. Very good. Very interesting, I like it. Good job, keep writing, lol. ( I read this out of order, I went 1,2,3,5,4.. Idk how to count ... jk)
-Mackenzie
This is very interesting, but i like it. At first, I was a little, unsure. But it's grown on me, and I like it.
But I totally knew that she was going to turn on him! She's going to eat him, or try too! I knew it, I knew it! Haha, good job, keep it coming, I'm ready.