I smiled in the hardest times,
I sacrified the most,
I was the most respectful,
I even took others blame,
I smiled when I felt like crying,
Just to be the best...
I have always been there,
To everything they dreamt I have supported them,
But once all there dreams are fullfilled,
Get the best of the jobs,
Get the cash in their pockets,
And power in their hands,
They just forget how you helped them ,
They feel I just don't want to be loved back,
They feel helping them was my work,
So they do not look back even once....
There arises a question why should I sacrifice my life, my time , and efforts?
On those who did not care
Just to be the best!
Friends please review this poem with sincerity as it will help me write better.And your advice is really important for amateur writers like me....
Thank you.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
hi there, its Rituparna for a review.
you have a good scope of shining in poetry as you have a clear thought, and you can pen down what you feel. skill might sharpen with time but these are somethings which are hard to develop.
coming to your poem i liked it. your writing was a little immature in language , however the feel made it up all right.i would like to suggest some changes in one line-
"To everything they dreamt I have supported them,"
you may write it as " to everything they dreamt, i led a helping hand", and even if you dont change the words just add a comma (,) after "dreamt"
i hope to see many more of your works here on WYS and i would love to review them. and you can always count on me if you need any suggestion. i would love you if you also pass a glanve at some of my poems and review them if you line .
keep writing
Rituparna
WELCOME TO YWS!!!
I think you're getting the idea of what poetry is all about. The only issue here is conventions. You capitalize words that aren't necessary and space things off. Punctuation is a big key here, too. Make sure to proof-read before publishing, and edit, and re-edit and re-edit and re-edit:)
Ask someone if you're not quite sure how to construct a thought or phrase into words, especially when it comes to conventions.
Keep working!
And let me know if you need anything or have questions on the site!
Keep writing!
~iron.n
Hi focusedonwriting!
Let's get to it! Alright. To start off, I will tell you the topic is in your favor because most people can relate to it or associate with a past event, and when people can relate to a piece, it is easier to hook the reader. However, I believe the way you share your message could be improved with a little bit of creativity~
Welcome to YWS! I'm glad you're asking for an honest review.
When I first joined YWS, a reviewer told me the importance of making a ballance between telling and showing, and to this day, I still use that advice to better my writing, so I'm going to share it with you.
In this quote, you are able to see how your narrator is telling the reader what has been happening. And, although it has a neat flow, it can sound repetitive and monotonous; you did this, you did that. It sounds like a normal conversation. How to add a little bit of spark to those same lines? Use them as a base, for they can function as a compass to lead you to a more poetical way of expressing yourself. First, identify the topics you want to emphasize. I can see you talk about sacrifice (taking someone else's blame and smiling when you really just want to cry), and you also tall about respect (the respect they never gave you back). Take those concepts and develop them. For example, once I heard a song that had a very strong line that said, "Fear (as in, respect, in the biblical sense) is the heart of love" and I thought that was a great imagery because they were showing what it meant to them and not just telling that it was important. So I would tell you to think of details that will help you show the reader what actually happened, and how you felt about it! Think of a way of expressing yourself through comparisons and metaphors.
And that's all I have to say! Hope I helped. If you have any questions, feel free to let me know.
-Solvy
Lastly, amatuer is spelled like this amateur.
Hi, hi. No worry, I won't eat you and I am an amateur writer too. I hope we'll be friends.
Anyway, about the poem. Overall, I love your poem.
Oh no!! I'm crying. Your poem really good. Caution, um..please be careful with your spacing like
"I_smiled_in__the_hardest_Times,"
because it could make the readers think that you are too lazy for formatting. Anyway, the capital letter "Times". Isn't it necessary or you have another meaning for that. If you do, it's great, then.
-There arises a question why should I sacrifice my life, my time , and efforts?-
Do you fell that stanza is weird?
I think it should goes like this:
-It arises a question "Why should I sacrifice my life, my time and my effort?"-
Anyway, that's the only thing I could say because I'm not so clever after all. I love your poem and always will be. I'm expecting your next post will be bombastic. I truly hope I helped.
Hey there! CaptainSalty here with a review!
I do like the concept of this poem. It's not bad for your first, but the authors note at the bottom is unnecessary. You will always get your works reviewed, trust me.
So, I do want to say that the first poem did not, well click, I guess, with the title of the poem very much. That part was:
With the rest of the poem, it started making a little more sense with the title. Also, there are MANY mistakes. As of putting capitalized letters in random places, not capitalizing "I," and so on. Those mistakes do need to be fixed immediately!
Also, the ratings should not be rated 12 and Mature. This poem is really for everyone to read!
Otherwise, not bad for your first. If you fix your mistakes up, you are one step on to becoming a better poet!
I do want to see more of your poems. Don't give up and always write, focusedonwriting!
-CaptainSalty