Icy Paths - Prologue

It's a little cliche, if only because this type of beginning is so often used. Try not to put all of the action into one sentence, or in a single paragraph. It begins to sound like a grocery list, making it lose a lot of the suspense. Stretch it out over a period of time, for example making her see a soldier kill someone, so you get the impression that it is also happening elsewhere. It doesn't mean you have to make every event singular, but it sounds better than something like, 'Everywhere she looked soldiers were killing and burning everything in sight.' :/

All in all, I really enjoyed this. However, this doesn't make any sense and doesn't fit in with the rest of the context:
Her hair fanned out behind her as she ran; her eyes took in the chilling sight around her: bodies lay in piles, soldiers fought off villagers, and houses burning.
In my opinion, you should leave this out, or replace it with something else instead....for I thought Coal was pushing her roughly, then you said she was running. But it is a HUGE improvement from the first piece. Also, try to fit in a description of the girl the men are seeking..Rhen; if I'm not mistaken. The last bit sounded a bit akward to me as well; I mean, you can't pluck an apple from a tree that is already drugged so that the girl sleeps. I think it would be more suited if you said that he handed her something to drink; or include magic in the second piece, invent a few "mgical words" and therefore Coal summons a "drugged" apple by magic which he forces her to eat. Continue writing and good luck! This was a really intriguing and fantastic prologue!

Thanks Critical_Point! I've redone the prologue, changed the story completely though.

I have to say that I really like your story. You have a good beginning here and I will definitely continue reading.
You do need to clarify Lily's death though. I don't understand how the apple killed her, it says that Coal got it straight off the tree.
-Point

Hi beckiw! I'm so flattered I was your first review, lol. But the plot and everything of this story is totally different now. Do you mind checking out the new prologue?

The prologue was interesting it sounds like it could be a good premise for a story.

I find it all very fast, if that was your aim then I guess what I say doesn't matter lol Alot of things happened in a short space of time. And quite a few characters were introduced in only a couple of lines. Just as I was getting used to Lily then Jake was introduced.

A tip for writing dialogue I always found helpful was not to always to write it in perfect english (unless of course your character calls for it) this often helps to build character and adds a certain naturalistic feel. Try reading the dialogue out to yourself it helps to see if it flows. I personally like dialogue that flows you may not

I also like to make character profiles to flesh out my characters more so I know what they are like and how they would respond to certain situations. I found after I started making character profiles my characters seemed more alive. I usually do the name, how they look, their personality, their circumstances (where they live, etc.).

Perhaps instead of the characters of the guards revealing that Rhen Braker is wanted Lily could be running and see wanted posters and then you could introduce the guards later. This could give you time to describe more of the surroundings

This was my first review so I hope I didn't come across too mean! I look forward to seeing more of your writing, you definitely have good ideas and I want to know why she died and just who the heck is Rhen Braker lol

Hello!
I love this story and i can't wait to see where it goes! You can bet i will be watching for the next chapter, this prologue definetly got me excited!
I think that the only thing i can critique you on is the ending paragraph:


"The gates of Byeran, the village, weren’t far now. Lily ran as fast as she could, and soon, she was out of the gates. Out of the chaos, and into a little shelter and safety. She leaned against the gate, panting heavily.

“Magic is more powerful than speed will ever be.” A voice said. (Where did the voice come from? What did it sound like? Was it familiar?)


Lily looked behind her. The only thing she saw was a bright flash of light, before she fell to the ground."


Ok, the problem with this is that it's VERY rushed. Then what kind of gates? Why are there gates? What kind of shelter was it? Why was it there? How was it a shelter? How was she safe? Didn't anyone see her leave?
Just start asking yourself those kinds of questions and this story will be perfect! I can't wait to hear what happens next!

Thanks, guys! I really appreciate the critique.

"No one answered. The soldiers exchanged glances, while Lily, out of the corner of her eye, saw a house getting burnt. "
instead of 'a house getting burnt', perhaps you could say 'a burning house'?

other than that, the second one was better(obviously). that was VERY heavy revising, though. if that continues throughout the whole story, i think you're going to be in trouble. whenever my stories seem to have gaping holes left and right, i start over or call it quits. still, this is just the prologue.

also, i would have just edited the first post instead of posting the revised version separately. reading the unedited version, while it wasn't too bad here since the original was short, is kind of annoying.

Hmmm...I read the revised version and it was definitely better then the first draft. But their are still a few things I would like to suggest.

The character that we are first presented with is fairly flat. Her thoughts seem, for the most, cliche and obvious. She is afraid because she is running away, afraid for her family, afraid for herself...etc. If you want to make the story more compelling and original try to make her thoughts more intriguing, give her some conflict. For instance, perhaps she isn't entirely just sad for her family, maybe their is someone in her family who she has a secret hatred for who she will be glad dies in the turmoil. Or maybe there is a particular person who she is thinking about, imagining how exactly they reacted to the soldiers attacking. Those are just my suggestions to make the character more original and interesting.

Most of the description wasn't very vivid, alot of the words sounding familiar and boring. Try to really make the scene visible to the reader through the composition and word choice. For instance, instead of just saying this, "She screamed in agony.", describe exactly how it felt in a more detailed way. Also, instead of just saying she jumped over 'corpses', describe what the corpses looked like. This also applies to the where you say she keeps 'splashing in pools of blood', instead of just saying that, describe how disgusted this made her feel, what the pools of blood reminded her of...etc.

I found the story interesting and I definitely think you should continue. You kept the reader in suspense and caused them to want to know what happened next. Good job and keep writing. ^_^

Hmm... interesting. You might want to put more emotion into Lily's reaction of seeing her brother being cut down.

There's two ways you can make this chapter work:

A) Keep this as the prologue and write the next few chapters as flashbacks to her life before the chaos started.

B) Turn this into a later chapter and have the previous chapters depict her life before the soldiers came.

COOL! This is really awsome. I want to read more. Its perfect, but I have a request could you check this out? Its a prologue too, and since this is awsome I want your opinion on it ^_^

topic28546.html

very sketchy, but sounds alot like an idea i had once!

She ran, leaping over corpses, her feet almost always splashing into pools of blood.

soldiers running around, fighting villagers, and burning houses.

I agree with Life Is Sexually Transmitted. You should just keep it out. Otherwise, not bad for a start. This beginning has been a bit overused, but still...good

I agree the second one is the best. It's longer and more interesting.
I can't wait to read the rest.
Keep writing!

~Rachael

I really liked it. Sounds like a cool story. I would like alittle more background, though. The one thing that I didn't like was when Coal said "Then why do you fit her physical description exactly?" No one talks like that. It sounds really weird.

The second one was better. I wasn't pwned by info dumps like the first one did to me (ouchies)

The background can be expanded on. That is, add some descriptions of the background so I know exactly what the place looks like.

Yes to all your questions except the last two.

First chapter is finished, but I want to change it, it's wayyyy too...yuck.

Yeah, I like the second version better and it's very well written. I'm intrigued I must say. You mention that it is a prologue and yet the main character, at least of this part, is dead by the end. I take it then that she is not the main character of the book? Is Rhen? Do we get to meet her? And if not, how does this link to your story? Is it posted on here?

Anyway, your spelling is good, I like your descriptions and there's a lot of action so good job with this one.

Thanks!

Jerita - No, Snow White doesn't have anything to do with the story. Thanks for the critique! I'll fix all that.

Magicman - That's very encouraging, thank you!

Plot wise, this is a big improvement!

Hi! Well, aside from the weird spaces in between bunches of paragraphs, it's an interesting beginning. The ending immediately brought to mind snow white -- does this have anything to do with your story? Just wondering.

A stylistic note:

Her heart was beating hard in her chest, and her thighs were stinging. Her hair fanned out behind her as she ran, her eyes taking in the chilling sight around her: bodies lying in piles around, houses being set on fire and soldiers fighting off villagers.

“Don’t pretend. If you aren’t Rhen Braker, then how come you fit her physical description exactly?”

That was a deadly mistake.

Thanks for the critique! I just had a brainwave for this story, and changed the prologue. The beginning paragraphs are the same, though. Is this better? :
_______________

Icy Paths
Prologue

Victory And Loss

She ran, leaping over corpses, her feet almost always splashing into pools of blood.

Tears shone in her eyes as she ran, wincing as she watched people around her die in gruesome ways.
Suddenly, she heard something running behind her, and screamed; knowing it was one of the soldiers.

She ran as fast as her legs would allow; but to no avail. Metal-glove armored hands caught her shoulders, and a cold voice said:
“You’re Rhen Braker, aren’t you?”
“NO!” screamed Lily.
I can’t tell them Rhen’s my sister.
“You’re feeling guilty, aren’t you? Your whole village is burning down because of you.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t know who Rhen Braker is!”
“Don’t pretend. If you aren’t Rhen Braker, then how come you fit her physical description exactly?”
“I’M NOT RHEN BRAKER, NOW LET ME GO!”

Lily kicked and struggled as best as she could, but the soldier’s grip only tightened on her shoulders, almost cracking them.
She screamed in agony.

“BRIAN! OY! BRIAN!” yelled the soldier.
Another soldier came running.
“What now, Coal?” he asked rudely.
“I got Rhen Braker!” replied Coal.
“Yeah?” said Brian, looking at Lily.
“I’M NOT RHEN!” she roared.
“Yeah, sure.” said Brian sarcastically. “Good job, Coal. Take her outside the village and get it done.”
“Get what done?” asked Lily, nervously.

No one answered. The soldiers exchanged glances, while Lily, out of the corner of her eye, saw a house getting burnt.
Screams and sounds of swords clashing clouded Lily’s ears, and the smell of smoke and some other horrible stenches reached her nostrils.

She didn’t dare to look around, her eyes were only fixed on Coal and Brian.
She even felt a heavy thud on the ground near her, but didn’t dare to look at it.


Coal abruptly began pushing her through the village in the direction of the gate.

Lily saw her brother fighting off a soldier and screamed at the top of her voice.
“JAKE! JAKE! JAKE, HELP!”


Her heart beat hard in her chest and her thighs stung. Her hair fanned out behind her as she ran; her eyes took in the chilling sight around her: bodies lay in piles, soldiers fought off villagers, and houses burning.


Her brother turned in the direction of her voice, and his opponent hurriedly slashed his side open.
He howled in pain, and then fell to the ground.
Lily’s heart stopped.
What did I do? If he dies, it’ll all be my fault!
Panic clouded her mind, making it impossible to think. Getting away from Coal was out of the question.

Finally they were outside the gate, near an apple tree. Coal, still gripping Lily’s shoulder tightly, pulled an apple off the lowest branch.
“Eat.” He said, gently.
Lily cast a suspicious look at the apple, and then at Coal. “No.”
“Eat it!” roared Coal. “Or I’ll cut you in half!”
Lily took a small bite of the apple, hoping it wasn’t dangerous.
Suddenly, she felt sleepy, and her eyes felt heavy. She sat down on the grass and lay back on it.
“Bye, bye.” Said Coal, grinning dangerously.

Lily then realized, from the look in his eyes, that something was horribly wrong, but it was too late.
The last thing she felt was a searing pain in her chest, before she died.

Simple and interesting. Please write more.

This was very short, but there is still room to improve plot-wise:

She remembered how she had gone to sleep, how she had been awoken some time later by screams, how her mother had told her to get out of the house and run for the gates.
And then she had come out of her house, and seen soldiers running around, fighting villagers, and burning houses.

Without thinking, she had run off through the war scene, thinking of her parents, who were alone in the house, probably defending themselves against five or more soldiers.
The thought of it made her heart sink and she prayed that they would remain alive, and safe.