Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I know that I said you
Could never hurt me;
My heart was in a cage.
But you pushed your
Fingers through the slots
Between the bars
And poisoned me with love
Until I went all pink and red
Filled with affection
And that was when you decided
That I was quite what you wanted
You blew away from me
Quick on the wind
Like a fallen leaf
Only,
You never fell for me
And even though I was
Never one to get all cut up
I couldn't help the little
Hairline crack that split me in two
I know I'll be okay;
I'll heal up just fine
But like a plant with
A leaf gone brown
Cutting away the dead part
Lets the rest of it live
But it will never grow back
Quite the same way
I will never be the same
As I was before I knew your love
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello and Happy Review Day! And welcome to YWS!
"Filled with affection" should be 'Filled with infection' I think.
There's a lot of emotion in this poem, and you do a good job of intimating that to the reader. I like how the narrator of the poem has the foresight to know she'll heal, but that knowledge doesn't help with the pain of the present. I love the metaphor of comparing it to pruning, but you might want to reword it; it didn't flow as well as the rest of the poem and felt a bit clunky and wordy. Also, that stanza is more than twice as long as all the other stanzas, which makes the poem appear bottom heavy.
Great poem, wonderful imagery, I really enjoyed it. I hope this review helped.
-tgirly
Cynder here. I think what you have written has a certain element to it, a feeling I happen to know very well. You understand something others have yet to, and that is very special. As, another person said, you should add more punctuation. I agree with this statement, because it gives the reader more of a pulse, a way to move their heart with the poem. I would also change the arrangement of the lines a little, and repeat things, or use a certain pattern to give more emphasis on things you feel more deeply. I very much appreciated the journey this poem took me through. Continue to write, please. You have a gift, truly. Thank you.
Hi! WillowPaw1 here to review your poem.
Well, first - welcome to YWS!
Okay - so yeah - metaphors and similes in a poem: the best. Not joking. Especially metaphors. Giving something for the reader to relate to in a poem is amazing. And in this, wow. I especially like the first three stanzas and the second to last one.
This poem just overall seems very poetic and you have a voice to it, and the reader (at least me) can connect to this person (if it is you or just a random character you made up).
I think you could throw in a couple periods at the end of each stanza (most of them), including the last one. Periods make it seem like a full stop has overcome the whole poem. Mwahahaha... 0.o
Your way with words is very beautiful. I love this! Keep writing!
WillowPaw1~
I love the plant analogy!!!!
I'm just a sucker for good analogies. Don't ask me why: I don't know. But your poem was very well written and your speaker felt real. "I know that I said you/Could never hurt me..." I feel like we all want to be that tough, idolized person who doesn't care what people think about him/her and can brave through anything. But other people do have the power to hurt and change you, especially once you let them inside. I think your poem illustrates that very nicely. My only issue is that there is confusion between stanzas four and five. I feel like something is missing. But overall, well done.