Heather' long path

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Along the country roads of Garterville, Pennsylvania where there is a good set of cornfields and riverbanks, Farms are in every direction. There is a log cabin where a lady named edna lives with her seven year old grandson.Civilization is miles away and it snows really heavily that they have to walk to the store sometimes.

On one snowy afternoon in fall of 2000, While they are walking home from the store. Jared all of a sudden disappears into a small cornfield.

"Get back here." She ran after him in to the tall cornstalks, scrambling blindly, yelling "Jared."

She found him looking down at something. Edna edged closer to see a newborn baby in a basket.

"she must of been abandoned." Jared said.

"lets go jared." Edna picked up the basket."We will take her in." Edna carried the baby the rest of the way home.

Hi, Thanks for the review on my book! I'm glad you liked it.

Are you planning on writing more to this? It's a good set up, so there are infinite possibilities that you can take this story through. Writing is all about making choices. I'd like to know what happens as the story continues.

The story is started off in narrative format, as if someone inside the book is telling a story. This is a good way to get into a book.

But I'd like to know where you are planning on taking this story. What is it going to be about? You've got it marked as supernatural, so something crazy is going to happen.

I think you can work on your writing style as well. Something that a lot of people think is that being a good writer is something that people inherently have. This is as far from the truth as something can be. Writers are not born. They are made. Look at J.K. Rowling. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, while a thrilling book, was not her best work. She continued to get better as she progressed. This is how writers should be. Now take a look at Christopher Paolini. The Eragon series is a compelling story, but the books are not well written. Why? Because he didn't spend the time to try to improve. He already thought he was at the peak of his ability when he wrote the first book, so how could he improve on the last book? I hope you don't mind my analogies. My point is, every writer starts somewhere. For you, it could be this story, or it could be something else that you wrote a long time ago. But improvement is an integral part of writing. "The Practice of Creative Writing" by Heather Sellers is a great tool for beginning writiers to learn the skills of the trade. I'd suggest you check the book out, read it, and try to learn while you are reading.

I hope this helped! Thanks again!

Ben

I agree with the review below.
I'd also like to see better grammar, punctuation, and capitalization.
Along with more detail, not only on the subject, surroundings, emotions, and characters, but in the words you choose to describe such things.
For instance, when you said "It snows really heavily that" you could have chosen a word with much more detail and strength behind it such as "It snows so abnormally hectic that". You can go far beyond that with just the simple sentence I took that quote out of; such as "Civilization is an immense amount of miles away; what feels like the distance of all of Earth's seas' combined. It snows so abnormally hectic that Edna and her son have to trudge their way inside 12 gas stations along the way. Her son's frail like voice shakes as he says "I'm so sick and tired of breathing in the smell of these 7/11's morbidly unattractive fried food." See how I included specific detail about how many miles, what it feels like, the number of gas stations, ect. and used other synonyms for words that describe them in a way that readers will be more indulged in? I'm not saying take me word for word on this, or trying to re-write your short story what so ever, I'm just trying to give an example of how much more detail you can go into, and how to place such detail in. I recommend you use an online thesaurus, I use http://www.wordhippo.com/ but you can just look it up on google and find more.

I did however like the suspense you left me with, craving for what will happen next!

Hey there, florageis,

Would I be right in thinking that this is the first part of a longer story? I'm definitely interested to know what happens after Edna and Jared take in the mysterious baby - and also keen to find out if they discover why she was abandoned.

I do think, however, that this piece is rather short. There's a fair bit going on - you introduce two characters, set the place, and bring us an unusal event, all in about ten lines. I'd like to suggest that you work on expanding it a little bit - take a little more time to tell us these things.

For example, when you show us Edna and Jared wallking home from the store, maybe you could describe a little more about the way they are walking. Is Jared worn out, because it's a long way for a seven year old? Or is he used to it, and still full of child-like energy, and running around his grandmother? Does that annoy Edna, or amuse her? One way you could think about this is to imagine that the scene is a scene in a film, and describe to us what's happening on the screen, so that we can imagine it in our own heads.

Other than that, the things I have to suggest are quite small things. For one, I'm getting conflicting images from 'snowy' and 'tall cornstalks' - snow means winter, and in winter, I think of fields as being bare, because it's after the harvest; on the other hand, 'tall cornstalks' makes me think of fields full of crop, which doesn't mesh with the wintry image.

For another, you've got some stray capital letters (and non-capital letters) hanging around in places. You don't need to put a capital after a comma (", while..."), but you do need one at the start of a line of dialogue ("She must...").

I think that's about all I have to say, though. If there is more of this story to come, please do let me know when you post it - as I said, I'd be interested to know what's going on with the baby! Please also feel free to message me if you have any questions about what I've said, or if you'd like me to go through and check for grammar and spelling mistakes. Or if you'd just like to chat, that's also cool.

Otherwise, happy writing!
Cadi x