Published August 21, 2010
Standing alone outside,
waiting to feel again.
But there’s no one else.
I have so many voices in my head.
Still I can hear your silence
pushing me down.
Running around these empty streets.
Screaming couse my own nightmares becoming true!
am I just sick and crazy or is you playing with my soul?
You was the fire and I was the wax
melting from your words.
But where you now.
Come and get me.
Standing alone outside,
waiting to feel again.
But there’s no one else.
Talking to myself again.
This crazy town is the only enemy I had left.
I'm in pain -
give me my medecine.
But I can see how you enjoy
my convulsion body,
you see through me,
you can feel my bleeding soul.
Thinking after that
I'll be changed.
Thinking I'll become like you.
But you are so wrong
I'm so strong than you!
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139,425 Literary Works • 672,560 Reviews
This was my very first poem written on a foreign language.So thanks.
It will take time to make it better but one day I will be perfect. I'm a bit sad because I can't express myself so well like I can in my language
I think it was very well written and can definitely be a great poem. I'm not sure if this is just my opinion or not, but I always thought poems weren't supposed to have periods. Every poem I've ever seen hasn't had any periods. But I could just be deprived.
I think you could do a bit more with this. Just bring it out a little more.
This was my very first review, so I'm sorry if it's not perfect or hard to understand.
i love this! its deep. but i idnt quite understand the last line. but i loved the parts highlighted in purple
This is a nice poem but some of the lines lacked emotion and meaning. The repetition of the first three lines was okay, but it didn't really add much to the poem.
Or:
Besides the grammar mistakes, the wording is good and helps create the mood.
Good work!
Hi, first I love this! You wrote it with a lot of passion, which seem to fill the paper.
There was one mistake in which you might thing of changing...
I think you should change the "was" after "You" to were. example [You were the fire and I was the wax melting from your words]
Once again, I love it!
Hello,
This is an okay poem. I liked what you're going for with the piece but i lacked depth I thought. As it stands the piece is very two dimensional, where it has the potential to be a good piece.
What is couse? I am not sure if it is a typo and you meant to put curse. There are a few other spelling mistakes that you just need to go over.
This part in the second stanza is completely wasted. For a poem to link back to the beginning it needs to have a long length in my opinion and I do not think this piece would benefit from writing more so I would just change that part.
The grammar seemed fine, but I am not the best at noticing that so you may need someone else to take another look.
Well done. Keep writing.
PM me for anything
~Retro Disco666