Gracious, the title looks cheesy. Anyway, review away!
Spoiler! :
Backstory!
There were three weavers--exactly the same, except one was lazy, one was careless, and one measured carefully. They each had three daughters on the same day, and each daughter received a tiny golden loom from Clotho, the master weaver. Lazy let his daughter spin as she liked, careless kept his daughter from her loom, so she spun in secret, and careful instructed his daughter to weave with care and measure any suitor by the special silver ruler he gave her. Long story short, all but the last girl's hearts were broken. It's an allegory for a girl's purity, I read it about 5 times last night, and it inspired this poem.
Don't give your love to the shepherd boy, Don't give your love to the knight; Don't give your love to the lowly page, Though his teeth are flashing bright.
Weave your love on your special loom, With tenderness and care; Weave it now, for one day soon, You'll find your prince so fair.
Will you give your love to the shepherd boy? Or will you wait, instead? Will you treat your loom like a child's toy? Or will purity crown your head?
No, I won't give in to the shepherd boy, I won't give in to the page; I won't give in to the foolish knight, Though a war for my heart has been waged.
I'll hold out long for my perfect prince, No matter how weary the wait. I must be strong for my perfect prince-- If only he'd come today!
I will fight to keep my loom secure-- I must protect what is mine! They have no right to taint what is pure-- My prince will come in time!
Spoiler! :
Go buy this book! Seriously. It's beautiful. Lamplighter has an illustrated version. Support the small bookselling family my family has befriended! Support them! ;3
I love love love this poem!!! I loved the way it rhymed. I like poems that rhyme, it gives a whole new flow to the poem. This poem gave a perfect example of perseverance, and waiting for "the one" which is always fun to read. It was a job well done and can't wait to read more from you. Keep on writing!
I really like this and I think that the title is fantastic. Your piece has a sweet fairytale feel to it that is just wonderful. Just one thing - the poem lost its lovely flow in the fifth stanza. I think perhaps you should not have repeated 'my perfect prince' but used different wording instead. Overall a beautiful poem!
Hallo, Dearie! =) I'm glad that you gave me the link to this. I really love this. Seriously. Like, you know that I hate flattery. The meaning is clear. This is something that young ladies must know; therefore, it must be simple. You pulled it off rather smoothly.
But I do have some nitpicks for you...
Will you give your love to the shepherd boy?
The repetition of the shepherd boy was a tad... I can't find the right words. OK, what I mean is, it was like you used the term "shepherd boy" to generalize the "wrong men". Would you rephrase that? Because at the next stanza, you repeated each wrong man: the shepherd boy, the page, and the knight. And that particular line was interfering with the connection between stanza one and four.
Another thing that bothered me was the rhyming. Since it's so simple, like meant to be for a child, I thought that you'd pull off a consistent rhyming pattern. Stanzas two, three and six were so fun to read. It has this very nice rhythm that came from the rhymes. Maybe the main challenge here, if you would want to edit this, is to perfect the rhyme. The meter, I didn't care for much, because it was fine. The rhythm was fine.
This stanza bothers me:
I'll hold out long for my perfect prince, No matter how weary the wait. I must be strong for my perfect prince-- If only he'd come today!
Though I like the "perfect prince", it being repeated twice was a bit... not as fine as the others. It rather was distracting. It would be better if you've chosen another term for the perfect prince.
And lastly, I read the poem aloud and caught these lines
I must protect what is mine! They have no right to taint what is pure--
In both lines, if you used "what's" instead of the two separate words, it would be read more smoothly. =)
That's all. This is sweet. It's like a melody is being loomed right now for this certain poem. xD
Wow! Amazing, what a beautiful piece! It touches me strangely. It makes me wish hope and dream. I have currently gone through a situation where I had to decide whether I was going to settle for a knight or wait for my prince... I am waiting for my prince. I know God has provided just right person for me and I can't wait to meet him because when I do I will have met the most fantastic mate in the whole world! (He will have to be to keep up with me!)
Thank you ever so much for sharing! Keep Writing, ~FW~
So just recently I attended a play based on the Princess Bride, and this sort of reminded me of it a lot. How the princess waited and waited for Westley to return for her, no matter he be dead or not! And then the king is just a mean old man that doesn't give a rats arse about her and then he comes back and etc. But anyway, this piece was unique and I enjoyed it quite a lot =]]
yes, I believe this was as cliche as you feared, but you pulled it off! It was sweet! I can only say you can clean it up just a little bit, the flow seemed a bit off at times and a few of the rhymes seemed forced, but it was good for a first try. Keep writing!
- This seems too short for the 'No, I won't give in to the shepherd boy,' line. It needs one more syllable. xD
I like this poem. It's fairytale-like xD. It reminded me of 'Sleeping Beauty' because of the loom and the prince, hehe. Anyway, I don't think it's cliché. I don't get to read much of new archaic-like fairytale poetry. xD What made me say that it's archaic-like is the way you wrote it. It gave me a nice Archaic English poem feeling which will be complete if you used the 'thee', 'thou', 'thy', 'dost' and the like words. xD (Um, will you make an Archaic English version of this poem for me? Hehe. ) Anyway, the rhyming is good and I like how simple the wording is (though it'll be epic if it's in Archaic English with all the deep words XD). The imagery is also good. Its fairytale-likeness can easily trigger one's imagination of 'Sleeping Beauty'. I mean, it can easily make a reader imagine like little girl who daydreams about becoming a princess. Oh, you know. (lol I'm not saying that I want to be. What the heck??) Also, this poem seems 'friendly' to read.
Never stop writing!
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I love love love this poem!!! I loved the way it rhymed. I like poems that rhyme, it gives a whole new flow to the poem. This poem gave a perfect example of perseverance, and waiting for "the one" which is always fun to read. It was a job well done and can't wait to read more from you. Keep on writing!
I hope more young ladies with open minds read this. *likes* =)
I really like this and I think that the title is fantastic. Your piece has a sweet fairytale feel to it that is just wonderful. Just one thing - the poem lost its lovely flow in the fifth stanza. I think perhaps you should not have repeated 'my perfect prince' but used different wording instead.
Overall a beautiful poem!
Hallo, Dearie! =) I'm glad that you gave me the link to this. I really love this. Seriously. Like, you know that I hate flattery. The meaning is clear. This is something that young ladies must know; therefore, it must be simple. You pulled it off rather smoothly.
But I do have some nitpicks for you...
The repetition of the shepherd boy was a tad... I can't find the right words. OK, what I mean is, it was like you used the term "shepherd boy" to generalize the "wrong men". Would you rephrase that? Because at the next stanza, you repeated each wrong man: the shepherd boy, the page, and the knight. And that particular line was interfering with the connection between stanza one and four.
Another thing that bothered me was the rhyming. Since it's so simple, like meant to be for a child, I thought that you'd pull off a consistent rhyming pattern. Stanzas two, three and six were so fun to read. It has this very nice rhythm that came from the rhymes. Maybe the main challenge here, if you would want to edit this, is to perfect the rhyme. The meter, I didn't care for much, because it was fine. The rhythm was fine.
This stanza bothers me:
Though I like the "perfect prince", it being repeated twice was a bit... not as fine as the others. It rather was distracting. It would be better if you've chosen another term for the perfect prince.
And lastly, I read the poem aloud and caught these lines
In both lines, if you used "what's" instead of the two separate words, it would be read more smoothly. =)
That's all. This is sweet. It's like a melody is being loomed right now for this certain poem. xD
Jash ♥
Wow! Amazing, what a beautiful piece! It touches me strangely. It makes me wish hope and dream. I have currently gone through a situation where I had to decide whether I was going to settle for a knight or wait for my prince... I am waiting for my prince. I know God has provided just right person for me and I can't wait to meet him because when I do I will have met the most fantastic mate in the whole world! (He will have to be to keep up with me!)
Thank you ever so much for sharing!
Keep Writing,
~FW~
So just recently I attended a play based on the Princess Bride, and this sort of reminded me of it a lot. How the princess waited and waited for Westley to return for her, no matter he be dead or not! And then the king is just a mean old man that doesn't give a rats arse about her and then he comes back and etc. But anyway, this piece was unique and I enjoyed it quite a lot =]]
yes, I believe this was as cliche as you feared, but you pulled it off! It was sweet! I can only say you can clean it up just a little bit, the flow seemed a bit off at times and a few of the rhymes seemed forced, but it was good for a first try. Keep writing!
Hello there! ^_^
I've only got one nitpick for you:
- This seems too short for the 'No, I won't give in to the shepherd boy,' line. It needs one more syllable. xD
I like this poem.
of 'Sleeping Beauty'. I mean, it can easily make a reader imagine like little girl who daydreams about becoming a princess. Oh, you know. (lol I'm not saying that I want to be.Never stop writing!