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Deception's Blade - Chapter One (edited)

by firefly882


Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted on here! Anyway, this story is something I've been developing for the better part of five years, so I would greatly appreciate any feedback you may have! Also, if interested, I have created a website that provides a more in-depth guide into the Legends of Arenthul. Please give it a look, and I hope you enjoy the first installment!

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The night was clear and crisp. The full moon shone like a beacon in the sky, illuminating the snow-strewn fields and casting the high stone walls of the city in a soft, hazy glow. A cool breeze wafted through the air, disturbing the branches of the surrounding trees and stirring the white powder from their gnarled fingers.

No birds chirped on this cold winter's night.

Normally Aryana would have found the silence calming—peaceful, even—but tonight she found it most unsettling. Such stillness would hinder the stealth necessary for their task at hand, and the thought made her stomach uneasy.

Crouched in the shadows of a small grove of trees at the top of a distant hill, she cast a wary glance skyward and observed the stars above. Barely visible next to the brilliance of the moon, the twinkle of countless dots gazed down over the earth like a million curious eyes. Aryana's worry deepened.

The crunch of booted feet upon the ground behind her drew her attention, and in the light of the moon a glint of silver emerged from the depths of her cloak.

"Ari," a voice whispered in the dark, calling out the name that only few people would know. "Ari!"

"Be quiet, Gereth!" Aryana hissed, sheathing her dagger and turning her attention back to the walled city below. "Have you learned nothing from your years at Hellfire? On a night such as this, your voice will carry."

The taller man, Gereth, mumbled a quick apology before crouching next to her, his eyes surveying the snowy fields before them. "Talon and Flex returned with the supplies half an hour ago," he said, then paused. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes."

Aryana pushed herself to her feet, glancing once more at the stars before turning around and walking back to their makeshift camp in the woods. Gereth was right on her heels, snow and fallen limbs crunching loudly beneath his feet; Aryana had to keep from cringing. Lady's tits, is this what passes for a Ghostwalker these days? she thought, shaking her head in shame. Devourer, take my soul if I was ever that naive!

Not far from the cove where Aryana had hid, a low fire burned in the middle of a small clearing. The warm embers were barely visible beyond the thicket, so the risk of their encampment being seen was minimal; still, Aryana had instructed her charges to maintain an air of caution this close to their objective and build a wall around the flames. She was pleased to see that they had obeyed.

"Is it ready, Talon?" Aryana asked, removing the hood of her cloak as she emerged from the shadows; stunning amethyst eyes, accented by the short locks of black hair that hung before them, glistened in the dim firelight.

Hunched over the campfire, spindly arms outstretched as pointed claws stirred the contents of an overhanging pot, Talon gave a sharp nod and pushed himself to his feet. "The berries melted quick enough," he replied, grabbing the wire handle with both hands and setting the kettle on the ground by his feet. A thin trail of steam rose up from the rapidly melting snow beneath the pot, twisting and curling like a serpent as it climbed through the air.

Removing a glove, Aryana knelt next to the steaming container and dipped a finger inside; the dark liquid was thick, and warm to the touch. Rubbing her fingers together, she watched as the black juice smeared across her leathery skin like ink. "Is there enough for the group?"

Talon shook his head, shadows flickering across his gaunt face, and jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. "The eumbrox Flex snagged should make up for the rest."

Aryana glanced past Talon to the dark figure at the edge of their camp, and then gestured to Gereth behind her. "Help him."

"Why can't he do it?" Gereth sneered, nodding to the man beside him.

Talon watched on, intrigued, as Aryana whipped her head around. "You know why," she hissed, her pupils narrowing into thin vertical slits at Gereth's impudent remark.

With a grunt, the burly man unsheathed his blade and shouldered past the two.

"What about the berries?" Talon asked, drawing Aryana's attention back to the pot by her feet.

Aryana stared at the dark liquid for awhile, absently rubbing her fingers together before glancing back up at the shadowed figures on the edge of camp. "We'll use a light coat on the face," she explained, scratching the tip of a pointed ear with an absentminded hand as her pupils returned to their normal shape. "With what's left, we'll paint Badalan war symbols on their walls." She tossed Talon a sidelong glance and added, "You should be familiar with those."

Even in the sparse firelight, Aryana could make out the tufts of thick brown hair sticking out through various gaps in his leather armor. Regarded by many as barbaric savages, her experiences with the Badala peoples throughout the years had instilled in her a sense that they were far from such accusations—provided they did not taste the bitter tang of blood on their tongue. She had witnessed its effects on their kind once before, and after nearly escaping with her life she dared never again to cross paths with a Badalan when the Thirst took hold of their minds.

As the light from the fire danced across his thin face, Talon's brown eyes glinted with a yellow hue—despite the threat they could pose to even a friend, Aryana always did marvel at the race's impressive night vision.

Catching her gaze, the young Badalan shot Aryana a grin, jagged fangs peeking at her from beneath thin lips. "I know those symbols all too well, I'm afraid."

The sight of his pointed teeth brought another thought to her mind, and Aryana raised a concerned brow. "You do have your mouth guard, I trust?"

His eyes narrowing at the mention of his handicap, Talon reached into his satchel and withdrew a large silver object. Pinching the edge between two fingers, he held it up for Aryana's examination.

It was a thin silver plate, no bigger than his hand, shaped specifically to fit over the curvature of his mouth. The back was lined with supple leather, with a steel bit for him to bite on and a leather strap to tie around his head; the bridle for a beast, as so many have teased before.

"Never leave home without it, Ari," Talon said, his voice low as he looked at her. "You know that."

Aryana nodded. It was the standard mouth guard given to every Badala that enlisted as a Hunter, to prevent them from tasting blood and turning on their own comrades; it was not something Talon was proud to carry with him, and Aryana felt culpable for having ever mentioned it.

"I was only concerned, dear friend."

As Talon put away his mouth guard, Aryana stood up and wrapped a hand around the metal handle, hooking the pot back onto the spit. The kettle hissed as the liquid inside began to bubble. "Don't need our paint to freeze over."

"Do you think this'll work?"

Aryana was silent for a moment, watching as the fire crackled and snapped beneath the iron pot. Life as a Hunter had not been what she had expected when she graduated from the Hellfire academy just two short years ago. The element of danger was still very real, as the scar across her left breast constantly reminded her, but the assignments she had been given up until now had bored her tremendously.

Still, she remained hopeful that this job would more than make up for the lack of excitement.

"Nothing's ever certain in our line of work, Talon," she said after awhile. Then, shooting Gereth and Flex a quick glance, Aryana leaned closer to her companion. "Keep an eye on those two."

Cocking his head to one side, Talon raised a thick eyebrow. "They're only skinning a bull, Ari. How hard could that be?"

Aryana shook her head. "They may have survived long enough to become Ghostwalkers," she started, pulling her hood back over her head. "But they're new blood, fresh out of the academy. We may need them for this mission, but I don't trust them."

This elicited a snort from Talon. "You don't trust anyone."

"Nonsense!" Aryana quipped, but her smile belied her tone. "I trust you."

Talon shook his head, but even without the aid of night vision Aryana could sense his smirk. "I'm your year-mate. Thirteen years of suffering your scathing wit makes me an exception."

Aryana rolled her eyes. "Just watch them," she said. "We can't afford any mistakes; we need to be ready."

"Under a full moon, and without any cover?" Talon creased his brow, turning a worried gaze to his friend. "Aryana, this is a suicide mission."

"Our client was very specific with his terms, Talon." Aryana said, ignoring Talon's consternation. She looked once more to the sky before turning around and heading back to her post. "Tomorrow night we strike."

"Always gazing at stars." Talon had meant for it to be a whisper, but Aryana was still close enough to their camp to hear his words.

The eyes of Thosol are upon us, dear friend, she thought, a small sigh escaping her lips as she crept towards her perch. May He forgive us for what we're about to do.


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Wed Feb 04, 2015 2:11 pm
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

I'm so sorry that I hadn't gotten to this sooner. I know I promised that I would have it done in a week's time, and then I completely forgot. I'm soo sorry. But I got it now, and hopefully I'll be more punctual next time. :)

Firstly, excellent job on that opening paragraph. It gave me an excellent picture right off the start, and I wasn't finding myself wanting for any sort of description while reading.

What I'm really concerned about, is not how you write this, but what you put it as. You have it as a prologue, correct? From what I can see, this isn't a form of a prologue, but more of a first chapter. I went and read through the first chapter to check it out and make sure that I was correct, and it seems the two work go right into each other? Is that correct?

In my experience I've always found that prologues are generally not written this way. They are written in a way that foreshadows the actual story. Such as, they take place during an event that has happened before the actual story. Somebody dies that impacts the whole theme of your story, perhaps? Just something that does affect your storyline in a big way, but won't go into the actual story. The typical example of a prologue, would be of something that took place waaaay before the actual story. It would most likely not be told by the MC, and by a character that is significant enough for it to impact the story. That is usually how prologues are done.

Also, I'm one that is pretty much 100% against all types of prologues, whether or not they are done correctly. These are two of my reasons.

1) Reading something that took place before never grabs my attention. I want to wade right on into the story! I don't want to sit around and read a prologue.
2) Going off of that... I know several people who readily admit to the fact that they neever read prologues, but just skip them.

Even though I'm against prologues, I whole heartily understand that this is your story and that different people have different tastes when it comes to how a story is written (including with whether or not there should be a prologue xD ). Except for how a prologue should be written, this is just my opinion. So whichever way you want to go with this.

If this doesn't make sense, then please tell me, so that I can explain it further. :)

casting the high stone walls of the city in a soft hazy glow, while a cool breeze wafted lazily through the air,


I believe there is a comma missing there. :c

Such stillness would hinder the stealth necessary for their task at hand, and the thought made her stomach uneasy.


Although, this hints that they need to be quiet in the task before them, it does leave the reader guessing too much. Maybe a little more explanation?

Lady's tits, is this what passes for a Ghostwalker these days? She thought, shaking her head in shame.


With the thought process, you would do the tag (she thought) the same as you would with dialogue. She would be un-capitalized.

Thirteen years of suffering your scathing wit marks me as an exception."


I looove this line soo much. <3 <3 <3
It shows me that they have a history, and it also shows part of Ari's character. This is great.

The eyes of Thosol are upon us, dear friend, she thought, a small sigh escaping her lips as she crept towards her perch. May He forgive us for what we're about to do.


Your ending for this chapter is, of course, awesome. What I was mainly curious about when I read this line, was... Who is Thosol? I'm inclined to think that he is their god, as you capitalized his pro-noun, but I'm wondering how high of a deity he is. And if he is going to be of any significance to the story. Just the name Thosol makes it sound interesting.

My basic reaction to this chapter would be the following.

It has definite potential. There's no doubt about that. Not only is there very little grammatical error, but you have some excellent character development here. What I particularly like about your characters, is that no particular one is over the over in how much they interact. Sure, Ari is obviously the MC right now as her thoughts are the ones that we can hear, but you still give an excellent insight of every single character that is here, while giving a good picture of them all. That is something that I don't see very often. <3 Well done. I love it.

Next, was your amazing way of incorporating the description in. I think one reviewer already told you that, but I'm just going to say it again. Never did I not have a clear picture of anything. Of course, I don't exactly have an idea of what they all look like, but who can expect that in the beginning of the story? After reading your descriptions of just certain little details (and the big things of course) I know I'm going to get an amazing idea of what these characters look like, as I read further.

I suppose the only thing that I could complain about, is that this was put as a prologue. Yeah, I know I'm not being of much help right now, but that's really the only thing. If you want a prologue, then I would really suggest finding some different scene or idea for it. This is a first chapter in my opinion, and a good one too. Just an thought. Hope you think about it. ^^

That is really all I can come up with for now. I'm sure if I come back and read this again in a while, I might be able to find something else to help you with, but for now... I will be moving onto Chapter 1, and hopefully the rest.

Thanks for the read!

Keep writing!

~Cricket




firefly882 says...


Thank you sooo much for your review! Lol and I get what you mean about prologues; to be honest, I skip over them too. But I was initially hesitant about naming this the first chapter because, while it is setting up the world around these characters, Ari and her group are not the MCs of this story (though I am inclined to keep Ari and Talon as supporting cast members because I love their personalities and interactions with each other so much!) and chapter one introduces one of our MCs right off the bat.

However, the more I think about it the more I'll probably nix this as a prologue and rename it chapter one. A few years ago I had a proper prologue (which needed a LOT of editing!) but, in retrospect, I don't think this story really needs one! Again, thank you for your review and I hope you continue to enjoy the story! :)



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Wed Dec 17, 2014 8:05 pm
BookWolf wrote a review...



Hello! :D I saw chapter one for this and noticed there was a prologue, so I guess I'll read this first.

Okay, so there's not really much to say. :D Your grammar and punctuation are pretty much perfect, and I can't find anything that looks out of place -- other than the things that have already been said. Your description is flawless, you can create an awesome picture in my mind without taking away from the actually story. Which is hard for some writers. :D

Sorry this is so short, I hope I'll be able to actually help you out when I read the first chapter. :D

Great work!

~BookWolf




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Wed Dec 17, 2014 11:12 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Hey Fire, Flite here for a review!


The night was clear and crisp. The full moon shone like a beacon in the sky, illuminating the snow-strewn fields and casting the high stone walls of the city in a soft hazy glow while a cool breeze wafted lazily through the air, disturbing the branches of the surrounding trees and stirring the white powder from their gnarled fingers.


For me, openings are extremely important, at least it is when I'm reading someone's work. Your writing promised to be good with just that paragraph, you handled the descriptions very nicely. Just the right amount of show and tell, the vocabulary is well-chosen and succinct. Throughout the whole chapter, with every scene from the juice to Talon's face I had a very clear image of. Great job.

The stillness made the task at hand difficult, and her stomach uneasy.


Hmm, why did the stillness made the task difficult. A simple explanation would be nice.

"Nonsense," Ari snapped, but her smile belied her tone. "I trust you."


Hmm, I'm not sure if snapped here is the right word for the situation at hand. Would Ari really snap at something like that, it makes me sound very defensive about the issue. But is she?


Like I said before, I don't have many nitpicks for your chapter. Is very well-written on the whole, you know what you're doing with your language and your plot. Everything is pre-planned and your characters are strong and sound. You've introduced your cast of different characters very smoothly here as well, as well as giving some background information without sounding like an info dump. Frankly, I like everything that you've had so far. Especially Talon's character. The ending was cryptic, but not annoyingly so. I will wait for your answers, I really hope you post more of this up on YWS.

This is quality writing.

-Flite




firefly882 says...


Thank you so much for your review, Flite! I made some corrections on the issues you pointed out, and it definitely improved the quality I think! :)



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Mon Dec 15, 2014 7:54 pm
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steampowered wrote a review...



I got a sense of mystery and suspense when I was reading this, and I'm really intrigued to know what happens next. You've got some interesting ideas here, such as the Hunters, the Badala and the Ghostwalkers.

However, I would say that a few bits of the dialogue feel a little unrealistic, for example: "Have you retained nothing from your years at Hellfire? On a night such as this, your voice will carry." I know you’re probably after a more other-worldy effect, but it really contrasts with some of the things that Talon says (for example, "Figured the eumbrox…") Maybe you could re-word it slightly, for example, "Haven't your years at Hellfire taught you anything?"

The first sentence (leaping back to the beginning) "It was a crisp, clear night" is a bit bland and isn't a very powerful opening. Perhaps you could start with a little bit of action, for example starting with the figure and the sword being drawn, to get the pulse racing a bit.
Moving on from the beginning, I noticed you have the tendency to be a little over-descriptive. This sentence in particular seemed a little complicated:

"Barely visible next to the brilliance of the moon, the twinkle of countless dots gazed down over the earth nonetheless, like the curious eyes of a child watching an extravagant play for the first time."

I don't know about other readers, but I had to re-read that paragraph a couple of times before I understood it. However, there was some nice imagery here, and it did help me picture the scene better. Maybe you could just simplify it a little bit, or split it into two sentences?

I noticed you used the present tense in the paragraph beginning, "Even in the sparse firelight…" For example, you said, "her experiences with the Badala peoples throughout the years *have* instilled in her a sense." I think you meant to say "had." You also used the present tense later in the paragraph, "when the thirst *takes* hold of their minds." Also you said "bore" when you might have meant "born" but I'm not completely sure whether that’s the correct past tense of the verb. I'm assuming the tense changes weren’t intentional, but I thought I'd just point them out to you as they look a bit inconsistent.

The other minor thing was that you don't use the word "said" at all (there's nothing wrong with saying it sometimes so long as you don't overuse it) and that you sometimes use the dialogue incorrectly. I can't describe it properly, but here are some examples to hopefully illustrate my meaning:

"You know why." She hissed.

The eyes of Thosol are upon us, dear friend, she thought.

The "she hissed", "she thought" are continuations of the speech, so they should be part of the same sentence as the dialogue itself.

Despite the beginning not being the most exciting (just my personal opinion mind) I found the prologue got more and more interesting as I read on (with some good build-up) to the extent that I was totally hooked by the last paragraph (which made a great ending, by the way!)

There may have been a few places in the piece that might need revising (I don’t think there was anything I haven’t already mentioned here) but I enjoyed reading it (and I love all the cool magical beings!) I don’t know if these characters will feature in the first chapter, but I thought they were promising. I have yet to know all the characters’ motives, etc. but I'm looking forward to reading some more if it gets uploaded so hopefully I can find some of these things out! :)





The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown