Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I'm so sorry that I hadn't gotten to this sooner. I know I promised that I would have it done in a week's time, and then I completely forgot. I'm soo sorry. But I got it now, and hopefully I'll be more punctual next time.
Firstly, excellent job on that opening paragraph. It gave me an excellent picture right off the start, and I wasn't finding myself wanting for any sort of description while reading.
What I'm really concerned about, is not how you write this, but what you put it as. You have it as a prologue, correct? From what I can see, this isn't a form of a prologue, but more of a first chapter. I went and read through the first chapter to check it out and make sure that I was correct, and it seems the two work go right into each other? Is that correct?
In my experience I've always found that prologues are generally not written this way. They are written in a way that foreshadows the actual story. Such as, they take place during an event that has happened before the actual story. Somebody dies that impacts the whole theme of your story, perhaps? Just something that does affect your storyline in a big way, but won't go into the actual story. The typical example of a prologue, would be of something that took place waaaay before the actual story. It would most likely not be told by the MC, and by a character that is significant enough for it to impact the story. That is usually how prologues are done.
Also, I'm one that is pretty much 100% against all types of prologues, whether or not they are done correctly. These are two of my reasons.
1) Reading something that took place before never grabs my attention. I want to wade right on into the story! I don't want to sit around and read a prologue.
2) Going off of that... I know several people who readily admit to the fact that they neever read prologues, but just skip them.
Even though I'm against prologues, I whole heartily understand that this is your story and that different people have different tastes when it comes to how a story is written (including with whether or not there should be a prologue xD ). Except for how a prologue should be written, this is just my opinion. So whichever way you want to go with this.
If this doesn't make sense, then please tell me, so that I can explain it further.
casting the high stone walls of the city in a soft hazy glow, while a cool breeze wafted lazily through the air,
I believe there is a comma missing there. :c
Such stillness would hinder the stealth necessary for their task at hand, and the thought made her stomach uneasy.
Although, this hints that they need to be quiet in the task before them, it does leave the reader guessing too much. Maybe a little more explanation?
Lady's tits, is this what passes for a Ghostwalker these days? She thought, shaking her head in shame.
With the thought process, you would do the tag (she thought) the same as you would with dialogue. She would be un-capitalized.
Thirteen years of suffering your scathing wit marks me as an exception."
I looove this line soo much. <3 <3 <3
It shows me that they have a history, and it also shows part of Ari's character. This is great.
The eyes of Thosol are upon us, dear friend, she thought, a small sigh escaping her lips as she crept towards her perch. May He forgive us for what we're about to do.
Your ending for this chapter is, of course, awesome. What I was mainly curious about when I read this line, was... Who is Thosol? I'm inclined to think that he is their god, as you capitalized his pro-noun, but I'm wondering how high of a deity he is. And if he is going to be of any significance to the story. Just the name Thosol makes it sound interesting.
My basic reaction to this chapter would be the following.
It has definite potential. There's no doubt about that. Not only is there very little grammatical error, but you have some excellent character development here. What I particularly like about your characters, is that no particular one is over the over in how much they interact. Sure, Ari is obviously the MC right now as her thoughts are the ones that we can hear, but you still give an excellent insight of every single character that is here, while giving a good picture of them all. That is something that I don't see very often. <3 Well done. I love it.
Next, was your amazing way of incorporating the description in. I think one reviewer already told you that, but I'm just going to say it again. Never did I not have a clear picture of anything. Of course, I don't exactly have an idea of what they all look like, but who can expect that in the beginning of the story? After reading your descriptions of just certain little details (and the big things of course) I know I'm going to get an amazing idea of what these characters look like, as I read further.
I suppose the only thing that I could complain about, is that this was put as a prologue. Yeah, I know I'm not being of much help right now, but that's really the only thing. If you want a prologue, then I would really suggest finding some different scene or idea for it. This is a first chapter in my opinion, and a good one too. Just an thought. Hope you think about it. ^^
That is really all I can come up with for now. I'm sure if I come back and read this again in a while, I might be able to find something else to help you with, but for now... I will be moving onto Chapter 1, and hopefully the rest.
Thanks for the read!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Points: 1658
Reviews: 401
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