It had been eight months since then.
Somewhere, far away from the warehouse Lucy Warner was kept, two men were standing by a water cooler. One was slowly sipping out of the cone-shaped paper cups, while the other was leaning against the jug of water and doing what he did best. Talk.
The man leaning on the water cooler had a deep, gravelly voice that didn’t match his blonde curls and rosy cheeks. Every time someone heard him for the first time they were taken aback. His unnatural voice was one of those things his mother assumed would go back up in pitch once puberty ended, but here we were.
The other, and the man we will be spending the most of our time focusing on, was average in every way imaginable. Average build. Average voice. Average appearance. Most eyes would dart right over him--and that's how he liked it.
No one in the office spoke to him often—unless they had to. The other man by the water cooler enjoyed talking, and our main man was like a black hole, words just got sucked into him and never spat back out. When people did try to talk to Robert “Ryder” Mackey, they could never tell if he was listening; they never knew what happened to their sentences.
Like a black hole.
All anyone knew about Ryder was that he didn’t particularly like to be addressed by anything--not Robert, not Mackey, and he didn't seem to like the nickname he introduced himself by--and that he solved and closed more cases than the agents who had been working at the bureau for years longer.
So, to Ryder, it was a mystery as to why Glenn Hearst had dropped down and begun talking to him about Lucille Warner.
“She’s great, dude,” Hearst continued, still talking to Ryder even though it was obvious Ryder wasn’t listening, staring off at the blank wall across from him. “I haven’t seen her since she went under.”
Ryder nodded absent-mindedly. He could care less about the big celebration on the fourth floor everyone was cheering for. The return of Lucille Warner, who went under a year before Ryder even started.
He had only heard the name Lucille in passing conversation, comments like, “Oh, Lucille would love this!” or “I wonder how things are going for her right now?”
And of course, he was working there when Lucille hadn’t checked in with anyone. He watched everyone on the fourth floor and beyond mourning over someone he never even met. Ryder could only describe it as listening to your grandparents talk about their parents. Someone so far away from you, you couldn’t comprehend the loss. Sure, he heard how great she supposedly was, but Ryder had no connection with her.
“We used to go out for drinks, me, Lucy, Yuna, and Stern. It was great, man. Maybe we’ll start that up again! I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you tagged along,” Hearst said.
Ryder almost choked on his water.
“No, I couldn’t go," Ryder said quickly, killing the thought of sitting at a crowded bar with those people he couldn't stand.
Hearst shrugged. “We didn’t go every night; we can schedule this,” he said.
Ryder shook his head. “Nope, I wouldn’t want to be a burden. You know, ruin all the fun.”
Ryder and Hearst made eye contact for a brief moment. Hearst took in a deep breath before declaring, “Can’t say I didn’t try.”
Ryder took another gulp of water, only to find that the last drop had already fallen into his mouth. As Hearst sauntered over to talk to another person, Ryder crumpled up the paper cup and tossed it into the bin, frowning as it landed next to the can instead.
He knelt to properly put it back in the can. Ryder straightened out his spine and tried to think of something he could do to procrastinate going back to his desk and working. God forbid he had to do the thing he trained for—file reports. If he could stand there for a little longer . . . it wasn’t like the paperwork needed to be done today . . .
Just as Ryder was debating what to do next, the noise from the main section of the floor flooded into his eardrums. He watched the corner. There was a lot of talking, a cacophony of voices all mixing in as they bathed presumably Lucille Warner in praise.
Ryder joined the FBI for the detective work, so he shouldn’t have been surprised to find his feet navigating over to the corner, to find himself peeking in.
He couldn’t tell who Lucille was, or where she was at first. But after a moment or two, Lucille parted through the mini crowd that had formed. They were drowning her in how are you’s and It’s so good to see you’s. Her eyes were wide as they darted between all of them, and Ryder could see her mouth open and close as she tried to keep up.
Ryder disappeared back around the corner, shaking his head and being glad that it was Lucille drowning in all of them and not himself. But he couldn’t shake that pity—how could anyone with a heart?
He figured he should be doing something. Quickly, he pulled out another paper cup and pushed the blue knob down. Ryder decided to pretend he didn’t know anything about Lucille, like he hadn’t heard of how amazing she used to be.
The next thing he knew she was standing behind him, watching him fill up his water.
“Lucy!” Yuna Greenleaf came stopping in from behind.
Ryder tried to pretend neither of them was there as Lucille stared straight ahead and ignore Yuna.
Ryder took the time to get a good look at the social butterfly everyone missed so much.
Her hair looked like it should be curly. It fell in wavy, frizzy locks that only helped the disheveled appearance. Her eyebags hung low and happened to be the most noticeable feature of her face. Lucille also was pale, with a few scars on her face.
“Hello?” Yuna Greenleaf said after a moment, holding out her arms and waiting for Lucille to hug her.
Ryder sipped his water and watched.
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141,721 Literary Works • 675,616 Reviews
Hey! This chapter is just the best, the mystery is so subtle yet it's in everything ryder thinks about and the atmosphere gives it out that there's a lot more going on than it seems.
Starting from the fact that it starts in the watercooer, a place where ryder would be in his usual state, highlights his personality as he seems to be one of those people that can't express much. The way glenn talks about not being able to shut up and compare ryder to a black hole, but the way it's put is hilarious
and this gives us the character in a funny but understandable way. It's also funny how the text keeps hightlighting that he is an average man, average look and voice but yet is one of the best agents. This gives us the characteristic of the man and gives him dimension and depth as he seems to be more than he looks and that's what I liked about him. I also loved the reaction to lucille, as ryder has no actual connection to her other than his job and he seems to be one of those people that actually cares about others. The way he described the situation with his grandparents and the interaction with other people highlights it in a way that made it really relatable
and when we see lucille we get a completely different side of her and of the atmosphere with the people
After hearing everyone talk about her and how great she is, seeing the bags under her eyes and the tired look on her face adds to the mystery as well as ryder noticing more things than most of the people there as he is the one who is able to see the things that are off about her, the scars and the tiredness in her movements and the way she can't seem to keep up with the pace of everyone greeting her. In the end, the way ryder reacts to the whole crowd is also interesting as he seems so indifferent at first but then he notices lucille and the way she struggles a bit makes him feel sympathy which again highlights the personality of the man and makes him seem more real and alive than the other people in the room. Finally, the end of the chapter is also well written and leaves us wondering
as it leaves us with the point of view of ryder and makes us want to know what he is thinking about and what will happen next, like the interaction between lucille and yuna.
The only thing I would say maybe work on is not repeating the same phrases or ideas about ryder being an average man, as it becomes a bit old after a while. However, once the person actually gets to know about the man some of those phrases can be used less as he would seem like an average man to the reader and the repetition of those phrases would seem out of place.
I think overall it's a great start and sets up a good base for the story, sets up the main character and introduces the conflict and leaves us with many questions and a mystery that is solved by the observations of ryder and not the narration or dialogue.
Lovely work!<3
Aw I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I'll definitely be sure to cut some of those "averages" out. I wrote this chapter when I wasn't really sure of his character yet and only just recently went back to give him more depth. Thank you!
i love writting
Hi, finncatphoebe,
Loving the hardboiled vibes I’m getting off this story – crime fic isn’t a genre I’m overly familiar with, so thanks for the exposure first of all, and welcome to YWS by the way!
First off, I like the way the narrator talks a little bit like a trusted insider – our time, our average man, etc. The knowing quality to it is engaging and reminds me a little bit of Stephen King/Peter Straub’s Black House in the way it gives us outside awareness of where Lucy Warner is as well at the same time. The foreshadowing of knowing where Lucy lends a lot of tension to the start.
“Just as Ryder was debating what to do next, the noise from the main section of the floor flooded into his eardrums. He watched the corner. There was a lot of talking, a cacophony of voices all mixing in as they bathed presumably Lucille Warner in praise.”
So, for this part, I think “flooded his eardrums” maybe works better and cuts a few words out. So you’re aware as well, you do use “just”, “now” and “then” a few times transitions – see “just then” for Yuna’s entry, “now Lucy couldn’t tell whether her eyes were open or not”, “but then either an hour or a year passed by, and Lucy didn’t know how to hope.” or “then there was a bang” at the end of the second chapter. This might be worth keeping an eye on as a pattern in your writing. My bad habit is overusing “then” as a word, so you might find this is something similar. Personally I find it’s easier to simply trust the reader as opposed to earmarking the transition, because the transition words do sometimes slow the story down a bit and can get worn out.
“It was pitch black. She was fully engulfed in the darkness and had grown numb from not moving in . . . she didn’t know.”
I do think this could be a little more sensory – adding in a bit more about the smell, the tactile sensations of the place, her parched throat. Maybe the floor is gritty, or the air is cold. Something to make it a little more tangible for the reader.
This is just a suggestion, but the hovering/omniscient narrator you’ve used in the previous chapter could be used for enhancing descriptions like this. I’ll give an example of what I mean from the first chapter of Black House:
“Moving towards the sun, we glide away from the river and over the shining tacks, the backyards and roofs of Nailhouse Arow, then a line of Harley-Davidson motorcycles tilted on their kickstands.”
Treating the narrator as something like almost a wandering eye or a camera could be something very effective to give a more visceral feeling to your story, if that makes any sense. Maybe you’ve read something similar in a crime novel somewhere, I've only seen it done really well once or twice, but for describing something like a crime scence I imagine it would be very useful. It could be a cool thing to play around with. I think especially for Lucy Warner when she’s in the warehouse, gliding back to find her after our time with Ryder.
Either way, great start to the story, and I hope it goes well!
Thank you so much! This is really good feedback--I know my grammar and my descriptions need work, so thank you so much for pointing these parts out to me! When I get a moment I'll try and go through to make these changes.