Published December 9, 2010
It's raining. It's raining and I'm wet and pissed and angsty and so fucking pumped. I can smell the sweat and the heat and all that I'm craving that is gonna land me in hell. And it's so, so sweet.
I'm walking through the door, and I am happy for the first time in three days and one hour. I need this. I need it.
I'm still sort of wondering what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm going crazy, quickly now, and I just hope there's enough time left before I explode with craziness and life and my guts and thoughts and hopes are left in a puddle on the floor, just waiting to be put in the garbage with beer bottles and the other crazy kids. Maybe no one would even notice I was gone, to be left forever with all the other exploding souls. It sounds sort of scary. Remind me not to explode.
It's my house, but it feels so foreign. Like a parallel dimension-me's house. But the people are still the same. It's not my party, it's my brothers. For the most part, it's not my people. Except for the few upperclassmen who always manage to be influential enough to get in.
Except for Hannah Fucking Jones.
She knows whose place this is. Weren't we just making out on the couch four days ago? It's been so long already, everything feels so fast, too fast. Like the whole world's gonna come off its axis and crash into Mars. Or the sun. All I know's that I can't take the heat.
I'm burning up and I can't take this, I can't, so I run away. As always.
Why is she here? Why is she still in my head and I can't get her out? Should I try some bleach?
The hottest girl in the high school, maybe the world, and now she looks like shit to me. Now I can see that she's just another dumb girl. Maybe I'm just a player, but she's still a bitch.
I go and hide in the kitchen, grab a bottle and sink to the floor. My brother's watching my but he doesn't say a word. Just watches me. He know's that I'm a wreck. Does everyone?
I need to breathe. I need to chill. I'm in major need of Cillian right now but he decided to go crazy before me and now he's off wallowing in apathy or scoring some college chicks. My other band-mates don't give a shit. It's just me and the world. And the bottle.
My bottle's empty. I take another one and decide I need to leave. Now. And maybe tell my brother to get her off my back. Because I'm sick of it. And I'm done.
But Jason's already gone when I open my eyes, thinking, just maybe, I'll wake up in another world. Or just never wake up. I'd take comatose over this.
I'm still so pumped, the red bull and beer are messing my system up- I need to leave. I really need to leave.
So I get up.
Some of the kids watch me. Most are in college, or should be. I'm sixteen, but I'm used to his friends. Soon they own't even notice I'm here.
I run out the back door, down the steps, to the ocean. It's hot. And it's stopped raining.
Soon the alcohol's set in, the glorious thing, and I'm left numb. This beautiful numbness is what I breathe for. It's my only escape, and it's oh-so lovely.
Soon I'm wandering outside. It's hot, it's sticky, it feels odd to my skin. Yet it's beautiful. It's perfect. For a second, I forget. And that's all that I need.
To escape.
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140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews! Yeah, I put in the swears because it really just fits in with the character- it goes with the stream of consciousness feeling of the story. I usually don't like curses put in either just for the effect, but I felt that it wasn't too jarring. I actually wrote this when my battery of my laptop had about 3 minutes left, so I was just trying to get it down without too many errors XD I should probably tell the MC's name, since the other character's names have been included, and he's about the only one ignored. Maybe it's a bit random as a stand-alone piece, but it was more of written for myself to get to know the character more. So thanks for the reviews, I'll continue to edit. Again, I appreciate any comment whether you hate it or love it. ^^
I don't normally approve of curse words, especially the F-word being used in the narration, but it feels natural here, part of the narrator's voice.
The bolded section is overly-long and reads awkwardly as a result. However, I am afraid I have no suggestions to make it less-awkward.
This struck me as being rather unusually precise. I think that simply "three days" is enough.
The "craziness" struck me as redundantly repetitious as you already have "crazy" earlier on. Also, a comma after "craziness" is needed, otherwise you wind up with a run-on sentence that makes little sense on first read-through.
"Gone" implies actively leaving, while "to be left" implies passivity, and so the I found the ideas in this sentence to be rather disconnected. "To join" might be better, as that is more active than "to be left".
If you are going to hyphenate, keep it consistent.
Semicolons connect two independent clauses (have a subject and a verb). Commas are used to connect dependent clauses (have only a subject or a verb).
Watch your spelling. These were in the same paragraph.
Overall, this was very much a character piece, and you had a strong voice in this. While I do not think that the cursing was absolutely necessary, it was part of the character's voice, and so it felt natural. As a character piece, this was quite sturdy; all you really need is to polish it, which areas that need it I have pointed out most of.
All-in-all, I found myself enjoying this.
Alright, so, I found this a work in progress.
you need to give us more of a back story. What happened? Why did this happen? What is your main characters name?
You need to give the reader more to go on.
Your emotion, though was lovely, for what it was. just add more details and description when you edit.
~WickedWonder