Published April 3, 2008
His river of muscles ripple with each motion
Drinking in eyes like an entrancing potion
A soft caress from rough skin
Being in his arms feels like a lovely sin
No man before and none after him
His passion fills my soul to the rim
Alone with him now is enough for me
As for the future, I'll have to wait and see
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140,707 Literary Works • 673,673 Reviews
Thank you for the critiques everyone, and don't worry about getting to harsh on me, I take constructive criticism well.
Good but off key in some spots. Let's have a look, shall we?
Change "feels like a lovely sin" to "is a lovely sin" that should be good.
Remove "have" and leave it as "I'll wait and see" that'll do it.
I hope ths helps. I see potential in your work. Just fix them errors and you'll be good. Keep up the good work!
-Rick.
It might be a short poem but it flowed really well!
Good job!
The rhyming was very natural.
Why don't you make it longer?
It was a good poem, just remember that you have to put peroids and commas in certqin places. Like so:
There should be a comma after "motion" and a period after "potion".
It's the same for that rest of them. Please rememeber this the next time that you do a poem, okay?
That means that you will have to edit and maybe write it out and let someone correct it before posting it. Like show friend of yours.
Other than that, you did well with the rhyming but I advise that a lot of people do poems about love and sooon it will get really oklld and that's not good if you do them too because people might not want to read your poem because the have already read so many like yours.
This is just a simple warning, not a bad one, but I have had experience.
Peace out!
shanan-cat!
The rhyming of this peice is painful. It detracts from the peice. I keep stopping and wondering why you inflicted this torture on me. Plus you've got no punctuation. So can't be sure where to stop. It should be longer as this without rhyming or punctuation. There isn't much feeling within it either. We get some clue but insert more. But main thing is the rhyming is so blantant and painful *shrugs*. This may seem harsh but if this was longer and less rhymy then it could be better. One last thing, rhyming doesn't make a poem a poem.
Good luck
VSN
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Although short, this poem has a perfect flow. It creates intense emotions. The only thing I could suggest is making it longer. I like it =)