Today is a day for yesterday's music and beat;
for tasting my own lips where my heart pounded after you kissed them,
back when you kissed them.
It's a train-track feeling; remembering with a mechanical rhythm
prompted by a hopeful necessity in my eyes,
back when you fucked me, rhythmically.
Everything was in rhythm and machines; the systematic growth and disregard
of skin cells near the drain in my bathtub,
back when you stroked my hand as we rode the train home.
We listened and raced to each other's hearts, as I run alone to this song;
I know the words more than I can remember yours,
back when our bodies moved in tandem.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Hey there.
I see that you added in a note about this being mature because of the mention of sex, but with the new system, it actually needs a rating bump. And this is a bit different way than I usually see on yws when someone is talking about a romantic relationship. Most poems are written in the unrequited style, the "what I want to do with someone" style, rather than the mourning of what has already been done. So i do appreciate the idea and concept that comes in the back story of the poem, mattering just as much as anything else.
It's when we get to the imagery though that I have some doubts about the descriptions. It looks like your main imagery source is by the use of trains in comparison to sex, which is just an imagery not clicking in my mind. It actually creates a different image of a passive relationship and is something I would expect more from a poem about abuse, rather than a poem about a loving relationship. I doubt that was working into anything about the speaker and you meant the imagery point in a very positive retrospect. I'm just telling you that it's not working for you.
And then you've got a rather prose poetry structure going on with one or two lines together. I like the long lines because you are stretching out the idea to make sure everyone catches it, but the spacing structure isn't doing much for me. I think it might have actually split up the spacing more than you meant to, possibly caused by the transition to the publishing center. There still needs to be the separation and having some spacing is nice, but just clear up those technical formatting bits.
So good idea.
Imagery needs work.
Formatting needs a touch up.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Nah, I like a bit of spunk in a poem.
This had a nice tone. Good work.
This was actually really, good. I say "actually," because I'm sure that someone's going to be totally phased by line six.
But, that line may actually be a little too ... um ... I don't know, modern? Non-poetic? But, whatever, it's all about the style you choose.
But, this was pretty good! I'm looking forward to more.