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Hey again My first impression was that I was reading a different story than the preface I read a few minutes ago. They really do seem like entirely different novels, the only point I realized they were tied together was when you mentioned Corrie. I had imagined the preface was set in some hot, dusty, desert town overrun by these Authorities. And then this chapter started with some guy killing off a ton of mutants xD

And it did take me a while to get into this chapter. I agree with Yoda that you need to make the constant action in the beginning a little more unique than just bam! killed a mutant with an arrow. bam! cut em with a sword. Maybe you could describe the battle ring or the mutants themselves, or describe how your character is feeling. Out of breath and sweaty? Nervous? Is it sweltering hot in the arena or ice cold? Does Hayden feel indifferent about all this killing, or is his stomach churning in the inside at how gross it is? Those are some things that would be more interesting to me rather than just hearing about him swinging his weapon left and right.

That aside, I really enjoyed reading this. The rest of the chapter went really well for me. Again, you might want to find a better way to tie it into the Preface, because it was a bit jarring to go from one to the other. But this was still a good read.

Leave me a message if you'd like me to review more for you or if you've posted the next installment.

Hello my friend,

You have caught me at in a good mood. I am as of yet a little unsure about how that will impact your review, so let's find out.

After reading your first chapter I am left feeling as though I have read a fairly good story, written fairly well, with fairly intriguing characters in a fairly interesting setting.

The biggest problem with your story is that there is nothing in it that catches my attention particularly. I could be reading the million other monster dystopias which do whatever yours does for me and a lot more. I could be reading masters of prose who write effortless, and yet magical, words that take me on an amazing journey. Why should I read yours then?

Your job as a writer is to convince me I need to be reading yours.

Here is a checklist of stuff I would do:

Step 1 -- Start at a different location. More precisely, start where your character is not like all kick-butt and knocking off mutants left right and center. Your goal is to throw your reader for a loop, and a kicking-butt character will not do that. Just be careful you don't slide into boring by going too far in the other extreme.

Step 2 -- Feed your story a slug. Well, if you swallow a slug, the chances of us forgetting the look on your face are likely to be minimal. So, why not give your story a slug to swallow? Story slugs come in many forms, but I like the character variation. Give your character a gene that might make a reader care. Have him do something crazy. You know, something that sets him apart.

Step 3 -- Make your narrator human. You need to feed genuine emotion. He is telling a story in the present tense, but all you describe are events. There are no feelings. Where is the anger from being shot by an arrow? Where is the personality? You tell us Hayden's embarassed by showing him blush, but he's the narrator, let us tell him that itself.

Step 4 -- Work out why your narrator is off killing these mutants. That is more important than the fact that he is killing them. In line with the personality thing, we really need your story to show us something uniquely yours.

Step 5 -- Relax when you write. Perfect writing is not too perfect. It is the writing that keeps your reader the most interested, so allow your writing to flow through you and onto the page. I am sure your story will be much better for it.

Hope this helps, and thank you for the read.
-Yoda