the cold wind came across my face as i skipped on the pavement slowly humming to a melody i had made. a few seconds later a man in black, with bright red hair, hand made shoes, and a green tie. this man was very short he kind of reminded me of a lepercahn. as he came up to me as i kept skipping i finally noticed him. "hello mister." i said to him for i was only 6 years old."hello young lady." he said back.
Now in the year 1972 i am 15 and know that that man was my uncle and that i had powers just like him. i am a herbozoren a mystical human like figure that controlls the changing of the seasons and nature. my mother was know as mother nature and when she died i became sister nature and started living with my uncle when i was 11. i was depressed when she died, sad, lonely until i visited the world of gonalocom, a world of good and evil but mostly magic.
i haven't been to gonalocom sense the winter solctitice or a day before my birhday when the spirit world and the real world are at the closest touch.
hope you liked it more stories coming soon...please comment...thank you
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this piece is a little conflicted shall we say on first glance. Its a teensy bit all over the place and as you read through it even though you kind of sort of do get a rough sort of picture on what is going on here, it doesn't really manage to bring its point across all that clearly and you need to read multiple times to have a shot at understanding which isn't a great sign especially for something as important as a first chapter happens to be.
I think something you really need to do here is first have a little bit of a draft of sorts, even this piece itself could work, but you need to have something jotted down on sort of what you want to try and convey in this piece and then write from the start with that whole idea in mind. Right now it seems like these ideas just kind of pop up as we go along and they only seem to be just about barely connected to each other, which is not a good thing in most situations.
So overall, this piece has quite a bit of potential, its an intriguing sort of premise from what I could make out, but this piece needs a bit of a complete overhaul here before it can really work properly.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay, I'm just going to get to the point with this one. You're new, that's wonderful, but you have no reviews. Fix that. And, forgive me if I'm harsh, but this wasn't really exciting or anything. I have no idea what's going on here. I get that you're young, but everyone learns at an early enough age to capatilize your I's and the beginning of your sentences. You've failed to do so. Your character wasn't potrayed very well, we had no sense of her personality, or anything.
Really, this just needs to be read over, revised, edited, etc. Again, forgive me if I seem harsh-no one gets it perfect on their first try-, but I just think you need to start over with this.
If you were to expand and pace this, add some more detail and a lot more plot, this could actually be good. Please, feel free to PM me with any problems you may be having, or any questions. I would be more than happy to help.
Big kiss, class dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns
Okay, so I know you are new to YWS, but there's some protocol when you publish stuff.
Like, you need to proofread this. There's no capitalization, the punctuation is bad, etc.
Cheers,
-Lena