Published July 23, 2010
This is probably another one of my bad poems but at least I am trying to get better. Trash it then tell me how to fix it.
No pain
No happiness
No excitement
Her hearts still beating and alive
But her soul is frozen on the inside
When she cuts her arm
She finds no blood
To her surprise “This is impossible" her continence reminds.
“It will lead to your demise”
Escaping the world of indifference
She closes her eyes…
Falling
Feeling
Free at last
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
i loved this poem. other than a few grammatical errors, i thought it was very well-written. and yeah, maybe it is a little confusing, but that's the whole idea. the whole mysterious, leaves you wondering thing.... i like it. people can decide what really happened for themself, and that's good. i liked the way you wrote it. there doesn't have to be a specific rhyme scheme or a specific way in which you write your stanzas. they have freewriting for a reason
Hey fiction,
June is on the ball as always -- this is all skin and bones, there's no meat for us to sink our teeth in. You have decent ideas but it's sprinkled all over the places, unconnected. You make some strange decisions about when and where to start new stanzas -- it seems like with this you've gone for couplets. Couplets are often better when they rhyme or have the same metre. You also use a bit too many familiar phrases -- the first stanza in particular is really poor, get rid of it. I like some of your ideas, though, cutting the arm and finding no blood. But you need more, more context, more description, more more moooore.
Don't be too despondent about your poetry -- it's a very tough thing to be good at. Glad you're trying, and I wish you luck in the future.
Hey, Fiction!
To me, this poem is in suit with it's title. There's little conveyance of emotion, or any feeling for that matter, and because of that, I'm indifferent to it. There's not much to really enjoy here, but I'm not sure if this... bareness that you have here is an intentional effect or not.
I wasn't fond of the theme at all. It's overused, and if you're not going to give us a unique approach to it, then I don't see the value in so many poets returning to it, because it kills the emotion that could come with a theme as this.
I also felt that you could have given us more in terms of description, or at least make these images here come alive; I feel as if you have a ladder of words here that we are climbing, only to find that it's not taking us far in ways of reward, when I feel that it can instead.
I think that you can easily rework this, because, like any topic, it has potential. It just needs meat.
June
Hope that helps
This was NOT a bad poem. I actually thought it was great. It was a little eerie and a lot interesting, which makes the reader read more and more of the poem. I loved the last three lines! Keep writing poems, because you're good!
Hi Fiction! What are you talking about? You're not bad at poetry.
First things first, though, I have to go through and clean up the technical stuff ...
Frankly, I didn't understand this poem. Does she kill herself? I'm totally confused. I like the last three lines; they really show the contrast from the beginning of the poem. However, I think it is beneficial that you find a different way to convey the feelings expressed by the first three lines of this poem -- they are extremely cliche. Pain, happiness, excitement. Woohoo. How about poignancy? Sauciness? Fun words lead the way to a fun poem.
Good luck!
Hey,
I liked to think that I am good with strange and different poems, so this would be in my category.
I think if you are putting these in a stanza by them self, you should make them singular sentences. No pain. No happiness. That type of thing. In terms of opening hooks, this is a good one for me. It's very oxymoron in a sense. It just feels different, which works.
I think this a plummet after your first stanza. I really like the first line, but I think there needs to be an "is" after hearts. I think your second line would work better is it went something like, But not her soul. It is frozen on the inside It says the same thing but in a more fragmented way, which I think coincides with the poem very well.
I would make this all one stanza. I would put punctuation in as well. Reminds and demise rhyme. Destroy it, it actually ruins the flow which is good until the point.
From there on out I liked a lot. Except you never use punctuation. That definitely needs putting in.
I would give this a solid 5/10, but has a lot of potential.
Work at poetry, It will get there eventually.
PM for anything.
~Retro Disco666