Published July 16, 2010
Flying around this vast expanse of green I find her.
The carbon dioxide an alluring perfume leading to untouched porcelain skin.
Cleverly I land I her back,
she cannot touch me.
Sticking my needle like jaws into her skin,
I sip the sweet purple blood.
My hunger tamed,
I make a quick escape.
I hope that you enjoyed my little experiment. I tried to write from a mosquito's point of view.
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hey fiction,
The second line is a monster. It needs some slaying. Lose untouched. Carbon dioxide seemed like a strange expression for a mosquito to make, to (I suppose anything is, though.) But it struck me as too scientific for this.
Do you mean "Cleverly I land on her back"?
The last stanzas were a bit boring -- we knew what was going to happen, and you wrote it out exactly how almost anybody would write a mosquito sucking some blood. There was little originality, and little mystery, which I thought was key. Maybe don't call your poem "Mosquito", and don't include the author's note, because it takes away a key part of poetry -- the reader unlocking the meaning.
Different points of view always interest me,
and this is definitley a new one!
I love how you give the mosquitoe a personality all its own,
it really adds life to the poem!
Hey fiction903!
I would have to agree with kingolions-it was an interesting poem. It isn't often that you stumble across these type of poems-some are hits while some are misses. If we were talking in baseball terms, this would be a foul ball-not necessarily a miss. The first stanza didn't flow with the rest of the poem as it had quite a long length in comparison to the others. I didn't like the use of 'carbon dioxide' in the poem, unnecessary I believe. Please check spelling and punctuation again.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hey Fiction. This was interesting. It was creative and new, and not something you would normally find. I think you did well on it, but there was one problem I saw from the start. I found that it didn't flow that well. Mainly in the first stanza, but I think it made not start with the power it could have had. I tried looking at another way to format what you had, but I'm not sure. This may seem harsher than I mean, but its what I think. Hope I helped.