Published June 16, 2010
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Thank you for the honest review. I know it needs help and I have always had a hard time with punctuation.
The first thing I noticed was the incorrect punctuation. You a missing a comma after "recession" and there should be a period after "beating". Because the punctuation is incorrect, the first two lines of the poem were particularly difficult to understand.
The next thing I noticed was that there's no connection between the first line and the second. The first line talks about the city; the second, about the house. What is the connection?
The third thing I noticed were the misspellings. Coupled with the incorrect punctuation, it left me wondering if you had proofread this before posting it. These are basic spelling/punctuation mistakes, and having them makes it hard to take your poem seriously.
The last thing I'd like to bring up are the line breaks. Right now, they're at natural pauses, and while this is logical, it's boring. Words at the beginning and ends of lines are emphasized more than words in the middle, and having a single word on its own makes it stand out a lot. This subtle emphasis of particular words could potentially add a lot to your poems, so I suggest you try experimenting with line breaks and seeing how they slightly change the meaning.