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E - Everyone

Unknown Powers

by ferrantivf21


It was a sunny, bright summer day in the middle of Birmingham, Germany. There were no clouds in sight and the sky was crystal blue. Birds sang sweetly in the sky, soaring over the people. I saw many people in Birmingham line up as usual to go get their daily morning coffee at the Bruncheon Cafe before returning to their daily lives and heading off to work. Most of the men in Birmingham either worked in factories or headed off to the German militia to help the country. Because I was only 17 years old, I didn’t have to work yet as 18 was the minimum age to acquire a job.

I, Mack Falcon, am considered a petite, skinny young boy by most of society. I am pale with blue eyes and long hair, which was all very common in Germany. However, the one thing that made me stand apart from the rest of the people was the fact I decided to have long, blonde dreadlocks, dangling from the back of my head and reaching my toes. I was relentless growing up in getting my parents to cut my hair. It hurt abnormally every time they would cut a piece of my hair off, so I would always push people away if they ever tried to trim it.

I didn’t have many friends growing up as most of the kids in my neighborhood thought I was weird for having dreadlocks. No one even came in close proximity to me as they seemed scared of me. Even my parents, Joal and Melicia Falcon, didn’t have a strong bond with me.

My father, Joal, was a hardworking factory man who was called up by the military occasionally if the country was to go to war. My mother, Melicia, was a stay at home mom as most mothers did. She cooked, cleaned the house, and cared for my father and I. I didn’t have a strong relationship with either of them growing up.

“Mack, go outside for a little and play with some of the neighbors!” my mom says to me in a loud, profound voice as I was helping her wash the dishes.

Shakingly, I quickly go outside and run towards the Judson Park near the edge of the town of Birmingham. I decided to go there as it is not too crowded with people as it sits right on the outskirts of town. It is an old park, with many rustic play sets along with having a basketball and soccer field.

Upon entering Judson Park, I spotted two young boys I saw a week ago from school. They both have the same rugged, bully like appearance. I quickly walked past the two and went to the soccer nets. Before I knew it, the two were right behind me at the soccer field.

“What are you doing here creep?!” they ask me in a profound voice.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to play some soccer.” I reply scarefully. The boys inch closer to me, and as they come closer, I hear a voice in my head, echoing. I wondered “What is saying that to me?” The voice became more clear, continuously saying, “Take them on, they’re nobody. Take them on.”

The boys get closer and closer and I have a deep feeling that they are about to come try and beat me up. Nervously, I hesitate and don’t know what to do, but I just close my eyes. I have a deep, tingly feeling in my body and I just relax with my eyes closed for about forty seconds. As I open my eyes, I see the two boys all beaten up with fright in their eyes looking towards me. They were so scared they couldn’t even speak. They ran off, sprinting as fast as they could away from me. I thought to myself, “What did I just do that made them so scared of me?”

I trembled in fear as to what just happened. I thought, “How did they get hurt? What was that tingly feeling inside me?” Having fear of myself and my abilities, I decided that the best thing for me to do was to run off into the woods outside the park. I felt I was an uncontrollable creature and I needed to run away from normality.

I plunder through fallen trees, colorful leaves, and dirt holes, ending up under a maple tree. Physically strained, I get a pile of orange, sticky leaves and surround my legs and stomach. It was already nighttime by the time I wandered off far into the woods, so I heard plenty of crickets chirping and owls hooting in the gloomy woods by Birmingham. After countless hours of looking into space disappointed at myself, I fell sound asleep under the maple tree.

“Wake up,” I hear in a soft voice “Wake up.”

As I opened my eyes, I saw a person in what looked like a bright white dress with a long, skinny face. Because my eyes were still watery from sleeping, I cleaned my eyes off and looked at the lady better. The bright white dress I saw was actually a nurse’s attire. Confused, I asked her in a stuttering voice, “Uh, um, who are you?”

She replies, “I am Nevila. I will be your guardian and cure-person for the time being. Come as I will show you your friends you will be staying with.”

I hesitantly followed her, scared for what to expect. As we walked, she asked me, “What’s your name, sweetie?”

“I’m Mack. Mack Falcon,” I reply. She takes me to a room where there were 2 other teenagers my age sitting down, both looking at me awkwardly.

“Mack, these will be your new roommates you will stay with until you get fully cured.”

“Cured?” I thought to myself. What was wrong with me that I had to be cured? After much thought process of where I thought I was, I came to the realization that I’m in a hospital-like environment, and we were all the patients.“Why am I here, Mrs. Nevilla?” I ask, wanting to go back to normality living in Birmingham.

“Ah yes, sit down Mack. We need to have a talk.”She gestures for me to sit down beside the two others sitting there at the consultary-like room we were at.

“Introduce yourselves,” Mrs. Nevila says to the other two sitting down near me.

“Hello,” the one girl says in a soft voice, “I’m Rachel.”

Rachel seemed like a nice girl. She was blonde, had a slim, barbie like appearance, and had blue eyes. Her voice was soft and she wasn’t like any of the girls in Birmingham.

“Hi my name is Jacob,” the other person said. Jacob was a short, plump guy, and he looked in his teens like myself. However, he seemed a bit strange. He talked in a quiet, muffled voice and always put his head down. He was very pale while also having hairy legs and messy hair.

I introduced myself to the two and Mrs. Nevila went on with what she had to say to us.

“So guys, the reason you all are here with me today is because you need a cure. You all have mutant powers that are too powerful, which could damage society. The reason you all are here today is to control these powers and to not hurt anyone in your communities.

“Power?” I thought to myself. “What could possibly be my power?” After much talk in the consultary room where we all chatted, I realized that my ability had to involve scaring those two boys and giving them bite marks.

Mrs. Nevila left and I got to talk to the other two in private. I sat with Jacob and I asked him about his power and if he knew it already or not.

Jacob said in response, “I know what my power is, but I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone except Mrs. Nevilla at the time.” He then left to go into his room where he stayed as well as showing me where I will be sleeping for the time being as well. My room was right in the middle of Rachel’s and Jacob’s rooms. It seemed like a jail cell where I would be in solitary confinement until they would figure out what was going on with me.

Jacob went into his room and I stayed with Rachel in the consultary room. After much talking with Rachel, she confesses with me that her mother passed away last year.

“I’m so sorry to hear that Rachel,” I respond, “I know I can’t bring her back, but I will try to be here for you always.”

After chatting for a bit, Rachel and I decide to go into our separate rooms where we can go to bed and rest up. I go to bed and try to get some sleep, hoping for better days to come and I can go back to normal life. I realize how much I miss my family and need them in my life.

After trying to sleep for 3 hours, I see a white dot traveling in the consultary room across from the rooms we slept at. I see it inch closer and closer to me. As the white speck hit the chair in the consultary room, it burst open. It ruptured with Mrs. Nevila popping out of it with a red, vicious face.

I scream as loud as I can so the others could hear me, “Wake up! Wake up! This is a trap!”

Rachel and Jacob wake instantly from my loud voice and we all see Mrs. Nevila there, ready to kill us all. She was in the form of a dot, moving around in space and reappearing anywhere she wanted. Her teeth became as sharp as a knife, and she had claws like a cat. She looked very powerful, and the only way Jacob, Rachel, and I could get out of the situation was if we all worked together.

“Guys, we all need to work together to stop her,” I tell them.

We all close our eyes and try our best to reveal our powers we knew we had, just couldn’t control. Rachel started off because she knew her ability was snake attack. She could use her hands as serpents ready to bite and slither people up. She attempts to try and fight Mrs. Nevilla on her own, but Mrs. Nevila is too quick and she couldn’t be stopped.

Jacob, shortly after, successfully reaches his power as well by closing his eyes and getting his inner self. His ability was fireman, easily blowing hot lava and fire from his hands, melting anything he touches. He tries to grab a hold of Mrs. Nevila, but she is too fast for him.

The only one left to help try and stop her was me. However, I had much difficulty in trying to reach what my capabilities truly were. I didn’t know I even had powers, let alone try and control them to beat her. I tried meditating, closing my eyes and trying to find an inner peace with my body to try and figure out my power. Soon afterwards, I figured out my mind brought about a lion, fast and capable to devour anyone in sight.

“Guys, we need to work together,” I tell Rachel and Jacob. Suddenly, we all three strike Mrs. Nevila at the same time, Rachel strangling her body and Jacob melting her feet to stop her movement. As they get her to stop moving, my lion figure jumps out and devours Mrs. Nevila, chomping her up.

Jacob, Rachel, and I all stopped from our abilities and returned back to normal, hugging each other dearly. We successfully worked together to keep each other alive during this crazy adventure.

“Good job guys! We did it!” I scream.

We decided to leave the place we were all trapped at. All the doors were locked, so we grabbed a sharp object from the ruckus and cut open a hole in the wall we could exit from. We climbed through the dusty wall and fled from the area as fast as we could. We ran for miles together until reaching a city in the middle of the woods.

We see people there living a tranquil, set-back life. People sat in cafes and drank coffee while having a relaxing, good time. There were soccer fields and a big park with a pond in the little town where people were swimming and having a good time. Not one person didn’t have a smile on their face.

“I think we found our new home,” we all 3 say together. “We’re free at last!”


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Points: 232
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Tue Jan 12, 2021 12:28 am
FieryOne wrote a review...



Super interesting! I like your originality as far as the accessing of individual powers. The fast pace sets and interesting tone, but I think with first-person telling it can be a little confusing. Very descriptive and focused on quick action sequences, (which is good) but a little more dramatic lead-up to the discovery of powers might avail your efforts to generate interest.




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Fri Jan 01, 2021 10:34 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Hello & Happy New Year!

I'm not the biggest fan of fantasy, but I enjoyed reading through most of this. What initially caught my interest was the narrator having long, blonde dreadlocks down to his toes. That was a specific piece of imagery that fascinated me. I thought that physical attribute would be tied to his unique power, but you never say whether that is the case so I'm probably just thinking of the Biblical story of Samson. I would like to see Mack's character fleshed out a bit more. He seems rather careless and unbothered by what society thinks of him, but I believe it would be worthwhile to add some more color to his personality.

She replies, “I am Nevila. [...] She takes me to a room where there were 2 other teenagers my age sitting down, both looking at me awkwardly.

Some more description would be beneficial here. One second he is lying in a pile of leaves, but the next moment they are in a room. Where is the room? How far away was it?

Rachel seemed like a nice girl. She was blonde, had a slim, barbie like appearance, and had blue eyes. Her voice was soft and she wasn’t like any of the girls in Birmingham.

I felt as if this was an odd description. It may be a tad stereotypical of me, but blonde, blue-eyed people are generally associated with Germany, which leads me to wonder how Rachel wasn't like any of the other girls. What were the other girls like? I like that you describe her voice as soft; that makes her seem like a sweet girl, whether it be true or not.

“Power?” I thought to myself. “What could possibly be my power?” After much talk in the consultary room where we all chatted, I realized that my ability had to involve scaring those two boys and giving them bite marks.

I apologize if this sounds disrespectful but how was the narrator clueless about his power? He ran and hid in the woods because he had no idea what happened between him and the boys, but he knew something strange had occurred with him. On another note, it was never said the boys had bite marks. The narrator only observed that they had been "beaten up".

Jacob went into his room and I stayed with Rachel in the consultary room. After much talking with Rachel, she confesses with me that her mother passed away last year.

“I’m so sorry to hear that Rachel,” I respond, “I know I can’t bring her back, but I will try to be here for you always.”

After chatting for a bit, Rachel and I decide to go into our separate rooms where we can go to bed and rest up. I go to bed and try to get some sleep, hoping for better days to come and I can go back to normal life. I realize how much I miss my family and need them in my life.

1). I think it's adorable that the narrator said that to Rachel; yet he barely knows her and we are not shown any other part of their conversation, so it seems too abrupt. He's rushing things lol.
2). Okay, yes! You give us a glimpse into his emotions near the end of this quote. That is fantastic, but again, it's abrupt. No warning signs or longing thoughts as he walked with Nevila towards this asylum-like thing. In addition to that, I think it's strange he misses his family and needs them. He made it clear he was not attached to them at the beginning of this.

I didn’t know I even had powers, let alone try and control them to beat her. I tried meditating, closing my eyes and trying to find an inner peace with my body to try and figure out my power. Soon afterwards, I figured out my mind brought about a lion, fast and capable to devour anyone in sight.

Typically, these things are a process and not an event - but not always! I found his sudden recognition of his capabilities too sudden, however. Going back to his emotions and thoughts, how did that make him feel? How did it feel to devour Nevila? There is a lot of energy in the room at this point, but no description is given towards it.

“Good job guys! We did it!” I scream.

"scream" feels a tad aggressive.

Personally, I'm not a fan of how the story ended. They escape the crazy psycho lady and discover a happy place in the middle of nowhere, which they then pronounce their new home. It doesn't match up, considering a few hours ago the narrator was thinking he missed and needed his family. How could he exclaim with the other two "we're free at last!" Why would they even want to leave their old lives? The backgrounds of Rachel and Jacob are not revealed (other than Rachel's mother dying), and those are necessities with this type of ending.

I skipped a few things in this review and stressed some aspects I probably did not need to stress, but this covers many of my thoughts. One last thing I have to say is that this story probably does not need to be told in first person. First person is generally reserved for stories that deal with a lot of emotions and thoughts. I believe third person would work better here, but we still need to see emotions and thoughts. That creates a better, colorful story that captivates the reader.

I wish you the best of luck in your writing,
rosette ~




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Wed Dec 09, 2020 6:33 pm
hannah0528 wrote a review...



Hi! Hannah here for a quick review. First of all, this was descriptive, well written and overall a great story! I am surprised that no one else has left a review. I feel as thought it was a little fast paced but that is fine. I loved the powers that they had and it seemed as though because they were different that they had power and I think that that is a worthy topic to write about. This was a great story! Have a good day, I hope to hear more from you, merry Christmas and keep writing!


Hannah





Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko