Published December 5, 2009
green eyes
like a lost sea
orange
with dusks srrival
beautiful and stunning
hides the hard edge
hidden within their depths
possessed by a siren
who sings withnot her voice
but her eyes
trapping a man within their depths
to forever have
hi heart captivated by their depths
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140,653 Literary Works • 673,582 Reviews
Hey fell!
).
You have some lovely imagery in here! Or at least, I really think it could be. See, imagery, while it can sound fantastic, unless connected to something (can be subtle or direct), is meaningless. You were comparing, I think, green eyes to a sea, and then somehow that linked with a man there? It's a great concept - I'm personally getting the idea of a man trapped inside someone's eyes, as if they're constantly being watched - but that's all there is.
But! If I'm right about what you intended, then I think it's fantastic. But this is messy. Did you even run this through a spell-checker? Something says you typed it into the forum straight away, and you don't want that. Spend time on it! If I were you, I'd play around with some of the imagery you've got. It flows well, but some of it - like "beautiful and stunning" - are kind of generic and don't tell us anything about this specific story. Can you think of a way it might? What's so wonderful about this particular scene?
Repetition, too - "eyes"; "depths"; "hide"/"hidden" - they all became fairly boring and lead to not a lot conjuring, because it's been said. It's had it's moment. Use a different word. Or even a phrase. You have to be really picky with poetry, because you're saying a lot in so little (or that's the idea, at least
I hope I've helped a little!
Blinky
I don't like the repetition here.
Besides that and the typoes in this piece, it is a nice solid piece of poetry.
Good job and keep writing away.
Empress
ps great opening.
I think the title should be something along the lines of "Her Eyes" or something similar. I agree with lilc, you have some corrections to make, but once you fix the basics, you'll have a pretty good poem!
Mysterious woman should be your title, work on the correction given by lilc and increase the lenght of the poem a bit
okay I didn't really get this poem. first of all, I know a lot of poetry gets along fine without punctuation, but I think this poem definitely needs some. For example,
I think if you had commas somewhere in there, the reader would be able to better distinguish whether you're saying the eyes are orange, or the lost sea is orange. Also, "dusks" is possessive, please include an apostrophe, and "srrival" needs to be spelled correctly.
I think hiding something hidden in the depths of something is a bit redundant. Again with the punctuation, I can't tell if "the hard edge" is possessed by a siren, or if "their depths" are possessed by a siren. And "Withnot" is not a single word.
I don't like that you used "depths" to end two of the lines here. It's a nice word, but it sounds a bit silly when used twice within three lines. Also, I think you meant "his heart" not "hi heart".
I can't say I particularly loved this poem, but I think it sounds like you could have some really nice imagery if you work at it a bit. But good job, and good luck with this and all your work :)