Hello again! Here we go again with another Ruby review binge because I'm going to be all caught up by the end of the month!
The wet sand seeped over Zoltar’s paws as he stood on the desolate grey beach, staring at the towering pillars in front of him.
I'm not sure I like where we're starting. We left off in the last chapter with the group getting ready to leave. Now they're in a new place and I have no idea where we are. Either show their journey thus far (which might get repetitive and/or boring - play around it with) OR give a brief summary of their journey thus far and explain where we are now.
"But it's just a bit of mist and I know the way through, so we won't get lost," Zoltar explained, cocking his head.
"It's just a bit of mist" - but you just called it a maze. Is the maze filled with mist? Maybe clarify this when you first mention the maze in this chapter so the terms don't get confusing. I know this is the same maze Zoltar originally came here through, but it's been a while since that happened a lot has happened since then, so remind us.
“What colour will your scales be when you enter the maze,” Zoltar asked, glancing around him.
Punctuation with dialogue is really confusing (I mix it up a lot too!) and I think this is a really good article about that. Here, I think there should be a question mark after "maze" and then the dialogue cue (or "Zoltar asked" on, could be its own sentence).
"If anyone is going to get attached, it's Shiraku with her ridiculously bright scales."
Bright scales for her...bright personality
Oh and I think you meant "attacked" not "attached".
Zoltar gritted his teeth. The only reason Shiraku was coming along was because one of the things they had to retrieve for the Riconra was underwater.
This goes back to what I said in a previous chapter. Sure Zoltar needs Shiraku for this mission, but what's in it for Shiraku? Why did she decide to come along? She's warmed up to Zoltar a bit, but it's not like they're best friends. And she doesn't like Emerald, so why is she here?
“Come on we best get going. We should try to reach the continent before nightfall,”
Why is this important?
'No not again. These are your friends and probably the only ones you have. If you abandon them now you will never be able to gain their trust again.'
I think this could be another good place to describe his thinking rather then stating it. I think you could get way more into his thought process here and his feelings. He really wants to flee and he has every reason to flee. You could go through all of his reasons for leaving right now and giving up, and then shift into how he processes through it and decides to stay. There is the stuff with his new friends and what would happen and what it would mean if he left. Dig deep into that. And then are there any other reasons why he can't give up right now? Who else is counting on him to see this through to the end? Digging deep here could give some really nice insights into his personality and his character and his motivations. He has to fight through this scary, tough stuff because other people are counting on him and relying on him.
“Guys,” Zoltar called to the others, “Be as silent as possible.”
This is a touch ironic that he calls out to be silent... Is there another way he could get that information across?
“Why don’t we attack it? There’s only one of them,” Shiraku hissed, peeping out from behind the pillar.
“No,” Zoltar said firmly, dragging her back, “That’s a lookout. All the others are probably waiting for him to sound the alarm. One howl from that creature and the whole pack will come running. We’ll wait for him to look the other way then we’ll keep moving.”
I really appreciated this little section of dialogue because it showed their personalities really well in a very simple way. Shiraku is a little more rash and ready to jump into action. Whereas Zoltar is a bit more of a thinker and makes decisions more carefully.
Another fine chapter! I appreciate that something happens in each chapter. The overall plot (like Zoltar getting to this Ruby) is moving slowly but the story is still moving along at a nice pace. I think fantasy can easily drag and that's part of the reason why I don't always like it, but I think this is keeping my interest because you have a lot of different layers and a lot of different things are happening. I never know what is going to happen next! But it all feels authentic to the world and the story. I don't think you're stepping into "now this is going to happen because I want to shock everyone!" territory and that's perfect.
See you soon, and let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing! (Hope you're having a great holiday!
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