z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ Frozen Past Chapter 1

by felistia


The wet sand seeped over Zoltar’s paws as he stood on the desolate grey beach, staring at the towering pillars in front of him. Ghost white mist twisted around the gnarled columns like sea serpents as the clumps of mussels gleamed like black ebony. The air was damp and cold, with the over powering stench of salt. Teal blue waves lapped at the beach, sucking at the pebble grey sand. Eerie wailing howls echoed through the maze, bouncing off the towering pillars of rock and into Zoltar’s keen ears.

It was hard to believe that just a few hours ago he'd been standing in his cave explaining to Shiraku and Felistia why he'd come to the island. Luckily, after a bit of a shouting and a dash around the cave, Felistia, Shiraku and Emerald had agreed to work together with him to get off the Misty Mountain Island. Now after gathering a few camouflage roots for Emerald and some of the herbs that had been used to heal his wings, Zoltar stood on the south side of the island preparing to cross the Misty Maze.

“Oooo. I don’t like this place,” Emerald shivered nervously as her scales shifted from  to a dappled mix of umber and granite grey spots to match the background.

"But it's just a bit of mist and I know the way through, so we won't get lost," Zoltar explained, cocking his head.

"Yes, but the Shang Fu are in there. They create the mist, so that my scales can't change colour. When I am in the maze I'm completely defenceless. I really don't want to go in," Emerald shivered, her scales a rolling mass of lemon yellows and pearl greys.

“I know you don’t, but we have to get through the maze to reach Megalonia,” Zoltar said, placing his wing on Emerald to comfort her and added while looking straight into her shaking eyes, “I promise I’ll protect you.”

Emerald smiled, but Zoltar could still see that she was worried. He knew that it was hard for her to go in there knowing that her scales would be useless.

“What colour will your scales be when you enter the maze?” Zoltar asked, glancing around him.

“Grey,” Emerald replied, her voice shaking.

“Oh come, on it’ll be alright. There’s four of us, the chance that a Shang Fu will jump at you is slim,” Felistia said, trying to sound confident, "If anyone is going to get attacked, it's Shiraku with her ridiculously bright scales."

"Hey! I like my scales and I don't appreciate you making rude comments about them. Besides the Shang Fu wouldn't be able to see me if I could swim through the maze," Shiraku whined, trailing her talons in the shallow surf.

Zoltar rolled his eyes, this was the third time today the sea talon had brought this up and it was really starting to drive him nuts, “For the last time Shiraku, you can’t swim in the water. The Shang Fu will drag you down and rip you to shreds like a pack of demented piranhas.”

Shiraku snorted, thrashing her tail and sending a shower of cold sea water over Zoltar while muttering, "I eat piranhas for breakfast."

Zoltar gritted his teeth. Shiraku was the bane of his life at the moment. Everything he said, she argued with. Honestly.

“Come on we best get going. We should try to reach the continent before nightfall. Flying over the ocean at night isn't pleasant,,” Zoltar said, thinking of the dangerous sea creatures springing from the watery depths as he spread his billowing black wings and leapt into the afternoon air. He could hear Emerald and the others following close behind as they travelled into the hazy pillars.

The dark ocean was still as crystal under their wings, not a ripple disturbed the perfect surface. Columns of rock appeared out of nowhere and Zoltar had to swerve violently to avoid flying into them. Their wing beats seemed far too loud and appeared to echo out into the mist.

“Halfway there,” Zoltar called as softly as he could over his shoulder. Felistia nodded and whispered it back to Emerald and Shiraku. Shiraku was strangely quiet and her deep blue eyes kept darted from the still water below to Zoltar and back again. All of them where on edge, waiting for something to break the deathly silence.

Emeralds scales were ash grey and shimmered slightly in the dim light sifting through the swirling mist. Zoltar slowed down so that she could fly next to him. Her eyes were wide with terror and she was shaking slightly.

“It’s alright Emerald, I won’t let anything hurt you. If they try I’ll rip them to shreds and feed them to the fishes,” Zoltar growled, trying to ease Emerald's fear.

“Thanks Zoltar, but I can’t help being scared. Eversince I was a little dragonet I was taught to never to go near the maze. The wisp talons would sit together on moonlit nights and tell tales of the creatures in the maze, truly terrifying tales filled with fear and death. It’s in my nature to be scared of the maze,” Emerald replied, scanning the pillars with wild eyes.

Zoltar followed her gaze and stopped on something clinging to a far column. It was hard to spot in the haze, but as they neared there was no doubt about it, there was something there. He felt Emerald stiffen, she must have seen it too.

“It’s a Shang Fu,” she gasped, faltering in the air, “I just know it’s a Shang Fu.”

Zoltar hated to admit it, but it did look like one of those dreadful reptiles. Claws of terror started to scrape across his stomach and an urge to flee raced through his veins. 'No. Not again,' Zoltar shook himself, trying to keep his cool. He glanced back at the three dragons behind him. These were his friends and probably the only ones he'd ever have. They'd be helpless if he left them now and even if they did make it through the maze, they'd never trust him again. No. He had to stay with them and lead them through the mist. “I don’t think it’s spotted us yet. If we fly around it I think we might be able to escape unnoticed,” Zoltar whispered to Emerald who looked quite pale with fright.

“Guys,” Zoltar called quietly to the others, “Be as silent as possible.”

For a second Zoltar thought they hadn’t heard him, but then they nodded their heads and flew closer to him, almost gliding their wings beats were so small. Silent as ghosts the four dragons floated passed the still figure. Zoltar’s heart was in his throat and cold sweat streamed down his scales as he crept through the air.

Suddenly the Shang Fu snapped its crocodile head in their direction. Its yellow eyes burning holes through the mist like search lights.

“Get behind a pillar,” Zoltar hissed, his voice ringing with urgency. Everyone obeyed instantly, scrambling as quietly as possible for shelter. They ducked behind a large column and held their breath, clinging to the rough rock with trembling talons.

Zoltar’s heart drummed in his ears and he was shaking from nerves. Emerald next to him was looking quite faint with fright.

“Why don’t we attack it? There’s only one of them,” Shiraku hissed, peeping out from behind the pillar. Her eyes were gleaming with excitement and her tail was lashing back and forth like a whip.

“No,” Zoltar said firmly, dragging her back, “That’s a lookout. All the others are probably waiting for him to sound the alarm. One howl from that creature and the whole pack will come running. We’ll wait for him to look the other way, then we’ll keep moving.”

For what seemed like hours they waited, jumping at every screech or splash, but eventually the Shang Fu shifted it's menacing gaze away from them.

“Come on,” Zoltar whispered and gently leapt off the rock and swooped to the next pillar like a sugar glider. The other’s closely followed as they glided through the maze away from the Shang Fu. The coils of mist were cold against their wings as they sped through the gnarled pillars, expecting a Shang Fu to jump out from every corner.  

After a few minutes of racing through the mist Zoltar saw day light ahead, the warm glow bursting through the thick fog and calling them forward and out of danger.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Tue Mar 22, 2016 10:35 pm
View Likes
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! Here we go again with another Ruby review binge because I'm going to be all caught up by the end of the month! :D

The wet sand seeped over Zoltar’s paws as he stood on the desolate grey beach, staring at the towering pillars in front of him.

I'm not sure I like where we're starting. We left off in the last chapter with the group getting ready to leave. Now they're in a new place and I have no idea where we are. Either show their journey thus far (which might get repetitive and/or boring - play around it with) OR give a brief summary of their journey thus far and explain where we are now.

"But it's just a bit of mist and I know the way through, so we won't get lost," Zoltar explained, cocking his head.

"It's just a bit of mist" - but you just called it a maze. Is the maze filled with mist? Maybe clarify this when you first mention the maze in this chapter so the terms don't get confusing. I know this is the same maze Zoltar originally came here through, but it's been a while since that happened a lot has happened since then, so remind us. :)

“What colour will your scales be when you enter the maze,” Zoltar asked, glancing around him.

Punctuation with dialogue is really confusing (I mix it up a lot too!) and I think this is a really good article about that. Here, I think there should be a question mark after "maze" and then the dialogue cue (or "Zoltar asked" on, could be its own sentence).

"If anyone is going to get attached, it's Shiraku with her ridiculously bright scales."

Bright scales for her...bright personality :P
Oh and I think you meant "attacked" not "attached".

Zoltar gritted his teeth. The only reason Shiraku was coming along was because one of the things they had to retrieve for the Riconra was underwater.

This goes back to what I said in a previous chapter. Sure Zoltar needs Shiraku for this mission, but what's in it for Shiraku? Why did she decide to come along? She's warmed up to Zoltar a bit, but it's not like they're best friends. And she doesn't like Emerald, so why is she here?

“Come on we best get going. We should try to reach the continent before nightfall,”

Why is this important?

'No not again. These are your friends and probably the only ones you have. If you abandon them now you will never be able to gain their trust again.'

I think this could be another good place to describe his thinking rather then stating it. I think you could get way more into his thought process here and his feelings. He really wants to flee and he has every reason to flee. You could go through all of his reasons for leaving right now and giving up, and then shift into how he processes through it and decides to stay. There is the stuff with his new friends and what would happen and what it would mean if he left. Dig deep into that. And then are there any other reasons why he can't give up right now? Who else is counting on him to see this through to the end? Digging deep here could give some really nice insights into his personality and his character and his motivations. He has to fight through this scary, tough stuff because other people are counting on him and relying on him.

“Guys,” Zoltar called to the others, “Be as silent as possible.”

This is a touch ironic that he calls out to be silent... Is there another way he could get that information across?

“Why don’t we attack it? There’s only one of them,” Shiraku hissed, peeping out from behind the pillar.

“No,” Zoltar said firmly, dragging her back, “That’s a lookout. All the others are probably waiting for him to sound the alarm. One howl from that creature and the whole pack will come running. We’ll wait for him to look the other way then we’ll keep moving.”

I really appreciated this little section of dialogue because it showed their personalities really well in a very simple way. Shiraku is a little more rash and ready to jump into action. Whereas Zoltar is a bit more of a thinker and makes decisions more carefully.


Another fine chapter! I appreciate that something happens in each chapter. The overall plot (like Zoltar getting to this Ruby) is moving slowly but the story is still moving along at a nice pace. I think fantasy can easily drag and that's part of the reason why I don't always like it, but I think this is keeping my interest because you have a lot of different layers and a lot of different things are happening. I never know what is going to happen next! But it all feels authentic to the world and the story. I don't think you're stepping into "now this is going to happen because I want to shock everyone!" territory and that's perfect. :)

See you soon, and let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing! (Hope you're having a great holiday! :D




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I've gone back and corrected everything from the beginning of my story to now. Your advice has been a wonderful help and has helped me shape my story into something I never thought I'd be able to write. Thank you. :D



Carlito says...


You're so welcome!! I'm glad you've found the reviews helpful! I'll be getting to the recent chapters I haven't done yet soon! :D



felistia says...


Actually could you please wait a while before reading and review those chapters please. I want to go back and correct them before I get anymore reviews on them. I will let you know when I have fixed them. Thanks again. :D



Carlito says...


Sounds great and will do! :)



User avatar
377 Reviews


Points: 119
Reviews: 377

Donate
Sat Dec 05, 2015 1:13 am
View Likes
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hi Felistia!
Snazzy here for a review! :D Though this chapter lacks the normal "action" and "fighting scenes", it is still a suspense-filled and attention-grabbing part! Great job with keeping me on the edge of my seat! ;) Now, for the review! :D

started to scrap


Just a small typo. Scrap should be 'scrape'.

Other Suggestions: I would try and make the scene with the Shang Fu looking at them a bit more detailed. Drag it on - maybe Shiraku accidentally lets her wing tips hit the water, and make a little splash - though they still get away. Add a little more drama in. Just a suggestion though.

Other than what the other reviewers already mentioned, that was all I could find! Just a little reminder to keep the plot going though. It seems like it has been going off track just a bit, but I can't wait to see when everything comes together! ;) Good job, and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Merry Christmas!
(a bit early)




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I will take your advice and expand on the Shang Fu part.



User avatar
77 Reviews


Points: 5851
Reviews: 77

Donate
Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:48 am
View Likes
FeatherPen wrote a review...



You had me tense and holding my breath through that passage which is result of excellent suspensive writing.

It might be my poor memory because it has been a while since I read the first few chapters but I don’t remember the name Riconra in “one of the things they had to retrieve for the Riconra”

“After a few minutes of soaring through the mist Zoltar saw day light a head, bursting through the thick fog and calling them forward and out of danger.” ahead is one word. I would also split it into two sentences at it would become.

After a few minutes of soaring through the mist Zoltar saw day light ahead. He burst through the thick fog, calling the others forward and out of danger.

This one of the best chapters I’ve reviewed so far this evening and your description has stayed as awesome as always. Quickly on to the next one because I have to know what happens next!




felistia says...


Thank you for all the reviews you have given me so far. I will fix them when I get a chance.



User avatar
298 Reviews


Points: 15144
Reviews: 298

Donate
Sat Nov 28, 2015 8:46 pm
View Likes
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Hello again!


Four things:

Demented piranhas! Ha! Funny.

'“Come on we best get going. I want to reach the continent before night fall,”'
'Night fall' is one word.

' Zoltar growled, trying to ease Emeralds fear.'
I do believe that you mean Emerald to be possessive. (Emerald's)

'“That’s a look out. All the others are probably waiting for him to sound the alarm.'
'Look out' is one word. (Lookout.) Unless, of course, you are trying to look out something.

That's everything from me!
Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug





“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables