z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book One ~ Into the Mists Chapter 1

by felistia


Megalonia 

A\N This is a very loose to almost not there fanfiction on the Wings of Fire series. It does not have spoilers regarding the series and you don't need to have read the Wings of Fire series to understand the story. Hope you like it and happy reading.

White pain flared through Zoltar's chest, his talons hitting the wet earth and the pungent scent of Scorpus and Mowzan’s fear clouding his senses as he tore through the dark forest. Sticks and stones flew out from under his claws as he hurtled through the undergrowth. Trees whipped his snout with thorny branches, almost blinding him while a cruel wind howled through the tops of the ancient trees. Their hooked boughs reached out with clawed fingers to grab at scaly wings of the three black dragons bolting though the trees.

Zoltar knew they shouldn't have come into this part of the forest. He would have thought that the thundering roar coming from this part of the forest would have been a warning, not to mention that the sun had just gone down, but of course they hadn't listened. Scorpus and Mowzan practically never listened to him, just because this was his first mission as a soldier and because he didn't have acid fangs like the rest of the shadow talon tribe. Now they were running for their lives through some strange jungle when it just should have been a quick scouting mission to find out if the island was safe.

Zoltar's heart leapt into his throat as a bloodcurdling roar filled the forest far behind him. The ground shook beneath him and the sound of heavy paws hitting the damp earth vibrated through his whole body. Branches cracked as the unknown creature bounded through the tangled trees, lashing at the trunks and leaves as it went.

A sudden rush of fear gave Zoltar a burst of speed like never before and he charged in front of Mowzan, desperate to get away from the black panther of a beast behind him. Creepers snatched at his wings and tail like a nest of serpents and gnarled tree roots threatened to trip him with every step he took.

“We have to get out of the forest and out into clear ground. We won't be able to lift off the ground with this dense canopy and tangled vines!” Zoltar roared over the metallic clang of talons from the reptilian monster behind them.

“It’s going to catch us before we can reach a break in this flaming forest,” Mowzan yelled next to Zoltar, his wings lightly brushing Zoltar’s with each gasping breath he took.

"Our only chance is to fight it off then,” Scorpus responded as he leapt over a fallen oak tree, his barbed tail scraping the rough tree bark.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Zoltar glanced back at the trees behind him, his heart pounding with terror. There was no way they would be able to defeat this thing. If it could crash through giant oaks as though they were water then what chance did three much smaller dragons stand against it?

As if to confirm his fears, the beast howled like a rabid wolf and hurtled after them at breakneck speed, a crazed bloodthirsty look burning in its eyes. Zoltar was amazed and terrified by the beast’s speed and agility as it chased after them through the twisted trees. It seemed impossible to stop as its spiked tail thwacked the tree trunks leaving deep gashes in the wood. The thorny branches and bushes didn't seem to leave so much as a scrap on its sleek black hide as it tore through them.

“We can use this oak as a barricade,” Scorpus responded, pointing at the fallen tree with one wing as Zoltar and Mowzan sprang over the massive log.

‘This isn’t a good idea,’ Zoltar worried as he crouched, readying himself for the first attack. Trees hadn't stopped the beast so far, so how was a rotten log supposed to help stop it? His heart beat faster and faster as the monster neared, its saber teeth gleaming in the blades of moonlight.

“Fire with everything you've got. Ready? Launch in five, four,” Scorpus counted down as the beast sped towards them.

'Please let this work. Please let this work,' Zoltar silently prayed as he sucked in a deep breath, feeling the heat build inside him like a miniature sun.

“Go!” Scorpus yelled, opening his jaws and spraying a stream of yellow acid from his fangs. Zoltar let out a river of crimson hot flame alongside Mowzan's acid. The attack hit the oncoming monster clean in the snout, stopping it in its tracks. It roared in pain as it pawed at its horned face, scratching at the flames and acid. Trees and branches toppled as it rammed into objects; blindly. Seconds later with a look of pure blood murder in its eyes, it charged back after the group of dragons as though half its face wasn’t on fire and melting from the acid.

“Run!” Scorpus roared, breaking away from Zoltar and Mowzan and bolting through the bushes.

“Wait! Come back!” Mowzan bellowed after Scorpus.

Zoltar grabbed Mowzan’s wing, yelling, "It's too late! It won't stop!" and pulled him away from the log just as the beast burst through the wood like it wasn’t there. A shower of broken branches and splinters rained down on Zoltar and Mowzan, cutting into their wings and tail as they swerved this way and that. The sharp wood cut into the thin membranes of Zoltar's wings making him gasp in pain.

Suddenly Mowzan yelled and cold fear clinched Zoltar's heart as he whipped his head around to where Mowzan lay dead with the massive beast towering over him, its spear like tail dripping with scarlet red blood. The two jagged saber teeth jutting out from its upper jaw were wet with black saliva and the spikes on its back shone an obsidian black in the thin blades of moonlight cutting through the canopy.

Zoltar let out an involuntary cry of fear. The beast jerked its mangled black panther like head up from its kill and looked straight at Zoltar. Its red glowing eyes struck fear straight through his heart. In desperation to get away from this nightmare, Zoltar sprinted forwards only to suddenly stumble on a hidden tree root and fall to his knees. He looked back at the behemoth, terror shimmering in his glowing amethyst eyes. It had stopped and was slowly stalking towards him like a puma cornering a mountain goat, as if it knew he couldn't get away and was savouring the moment of victory. Zoltar tried to move, but he felt rooted to the ground. He could smell the beast's foul, rotten breath and could see its dagger sharp teeth as it crept closer.

“Come on kid! Don’t give up,” Zoltar looked up to see Scorpus helping him to his feet, “One of us has to distract it or it will get us both,” Scorpus said, glancing at the beast. It had stopped and was watching them with vicious greed in its eyes. It knew it had them.

“Which…” Zoltar started, dreading the answer, but the Scorpus interrupted him.

“I’ll do it."

"No, you can't," Zoltar cried, grabbing hold of Scorpus's tail, "The shadow talons need you. You are their best soldier left."

The beast was starting to move slowly forward again, saliva dripping from its open jaws.

"You have your whole life ahead of you. Me, I’m old. I’ve lived the best of my life. I’ve taught you everything you will need to know to become a good soldier. Now go and tell the shadow talons that the island is not safe!” Scorpus shouted, yanking his tail away from Zoltar as he ran towards the beast, breathing a plume of fire to get its attention away from Zoltar. He ran off in another direction with the beast close on his tail.

Zoltar stood there in shock for a second before he carried on running, pain ripping at his heart like an angry beast. He knew he couldn't save Scorpus now. Scorpus’s shouts echoed behind him, willing him to stop, but he didn't. He couldn’t let Scorpus’s sacrifice be for naught. Not after all Scorpus had done for him. He had to convince the shadow talons that the island was not safe and that they should find somewhere else.

Zoltar could see light ahead of him as the tangled forest gave way to a wide, open lake. Flapping his wings, he soared into the air, skimming the surface of the moonlit water with his claws. He looked back at the now silent forest. Nothing stirred under the trees, not a sound could be heard in those dark shadowy woods. There was nothing to show of what had just happened. The beast had gone.


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Fri Jun 10, 2016 2:24 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi Felistia, I'm MoonFlower and I'm here to talk about your story. :D

First off I really loved the chapter. I loved the mysterious beast and how strong it was when you explained it could rip apart trees and bushes. I really liked how fast paced it was and the description was also really good. :D
I thought some of the characters decisions were a bit hurried, but that is a good way to show how panicked they are. I'm not sure about the name Mowzan though, it sounded scary and was just not a great dragon name. :D

That's all from me and I hope you have a great day. Never stop writing and I'll be back to review soon. :D




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. :D



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Sun Jun 05, 2016 8:31 am
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Jyva wrote a review...



alright, let's get this review going

first things first: wow. that map. i really hope you didn't make it, cause geez - that's one of the most typical fantasy maps i've seen. i'm not criticizing the graphic design here, i'm talking about the names on it. shadow lands? forest of doom? black desert? rocks of death? there's even the hidden land with the presumably super-spooky mysterious ninja people. these tropes will always exist as long as fantasy's being written, but at least give the places less... overdone names.

onto the writing itself.

one note: the first word of all three first paragraphs is "Zoltar". might wanna change that.

>Zoltar's chest was burning as his talons hit the wet earth
>...clouded his senses as he tore through the dark forest.
> ...flew out from under his claws as he hurtled
>...almost blinding him while a cruel wind howled

this thing happened as this other thing happens. so much structure repetition in the very first paragraph.


>shadow talon tribe

BLEURGH
it isn't even capitalized


>Now they were running for their lives through some God forsaken jungle

do these dragons have a god named God? if they do, that's fine. if they don't, like... pretty much all fantasy dragons, Zoltar shouldn't be thinking this.


>Zoltar's heart leapt into his throat as a bloodcurdling roar filled the forest far behind him. The ground shook beneath him

i don't wanna nitpick too hard. there's nothing directly wrong with this, it's just that the repetition of "him" could be avoided by just saying "the ground shook underneath".


>The ground shook beneath him and the sound of heavy paws hitting the damp earth vibrated through his whole body. Branches cracked as the unknown creature bounded through the tangled trees, lashing at the trunks and leaves as it went.

they don't even know what this thing is? they're freakin' dragons. DRAGONS. for god's sake, even if this is Zoltar The Brave's first mission as a soldier-dragon or whatever, he should've had some training. go fly up and figure out what's chasing you before you pussy out, dude. actually, why isn't he flying already? whoever his boss guys are wouldn't let a dragon become a soldier if they couldn't fly, right?

also you've already given a shitton of description about the stuff around them as they run - "...the dark forest. Sticks and stones flew out from under his claws as he hurtled through the undergrowth. Trees whipped his snout with thorny branches, almost blinding him while a cruel wind howled through the tops of the ancient trees. Their hooked boughs reached out with clawed fingers to grab at scaly wings"
this is just overdoing it.


>Creepers snatched at his wings and tail like a nest of serpents and gnarled tree roots threatened to trip him with every step he took.

...yeah. the description you're giving is lovely, man, it really is, but just chill with it already damn


>“We have to get out of the forest and out into clear ground. We won't be able to lift off the ground with this dense canopy and tangled vines!”

oh, there's why they can't fly. never mind the previous comment, then - though it would be good if you explained this before the reader gets confused about it.

the second sentence is redundant given the first one, and i'm pretty sure you just wrote it to throw more description at the reader.


>Mowzan yelled next to Zoltar, his wings lightly brushing Zoltar’s with each gasping breath he took.

WHY DO MOWZAN'S WINGS BRUSHING ZOLTAR'S MATTER


>Scorpus responded as he leapt over a fallen oak tree, his barbed tail scraping the rough tree bark.

"Hello," Jamie said, stepping over the dead leaves and twigs. His navy blue jacket fluttered in the harsh wind and a squirrel on the other side of the planet took a shit as he gingerly sat down next to Sarah.
cut out the unnecessary detail.
"Hello," Jamie said. He stepped over and sat down next to Sarah.
ta da

>There was no way they would be able to defeat this thing. If it could crash through giant oaks as though they were water then what chance did three much smaller dragons stand against it?

this raises the question: what the hell were these idiots doing in this thick foresty place? they knew they wouldn't be able to fly to safety. seems like a bad idea to me.
and... maybe try breathing fire? worth a shot, dude.


>the beast howled like a rabid wolf and hurtled after them at breakneck speed, a crazed bloodthirsty look burning in its eyes

here's where you WANT to have description, but not this kind. i'm talking description of what the bad evil monster thing looks like, because right now i have nothing to go on besides the fact that it has eyes.

you seem to have this habit of accompanying every noun and verb you write with an adverb or adjective. i'm going to tell you right now - doing this is not good. it's like baking a cake, reading that it needs 150g of dark chocolate, then throwing 150kg on.

i googled cake recipes for that


>Zoltar was amazed and terrified by the beast’s speed and agility

show, don't tell. this is very bland writing.
look at this: "Sophie was scared by the creepy ghost. She screamed."
now compare it to: "Sophie fell backwards onto the cold floor, staring up into the eyes of the thing before her. Its eyes were dark pits, its mouth a gaping black hole. The girl screamed and screamed, but no-one heard her, and no-one came."


>through the twisted trees. It seemed impossible to stop as its spiked tail thwacked the tree trunks leaving deep gashes in the wood. The thorny branches and bushes didn't seem to leave so much as a scrap on its sleek black hide as it tore through them.

i think you already got the message.


>“Fire with everything you've got. Ready? Launch in five, four,” Scorpus counted down as the beast sped towards them.

why do they need to do a countdown? just bloody... fire, or whatever word you'd use to describe breathing fire out of your mouth. "breathe" sounds a bit underwhelming. "fire" makes me think of guns. idk i'm rambling


>Trees and branches toppled as it rammed into objects; blindly.

that's... not how semicolons work.


>Suddenly Mowzan yelled and cold fear clinched Zoltar's heart as he whipped his head around to where Mowzan lay dead with the massive beast towering over him, its spear like tail dripping with scarlet red blood.

PFFFT
yeah. that's it. poof. mowzan's dead. oh no. the guy that i've accompanied for hundreds of pages. i loved his character so much. so... dragon-y. i am so sad.

give me something to care about before you kill somebody in your stories, otherwise it's pointless.


>towering over him, its spear like tail dripping with scarlet red blood. The two jagged saber teeth jutting out from its upper jaw were wet with black saliva and the spikes on its back shone an obsidian black in the thin blades of moonlight cutting through the canopy.

more overdescription
yes i know that isn't a word. you know what i mean.

this still doesn't help much with me trying to picture your monster, by the way. i know now that it has a mouth, really nasty teeth, and black spikes on its back. compare it to a real-world animal that exists in your story's universe, like... say that it has a head like a rhino's and a body like a... gecko's. a really big demon gecko.


>“Come on kid! Don’t give up,” Zoltar looked up to see Scorpus helping him to his feet, “One of us has to distract it or it will get us both,” Scorpus said, glancing at the beast. It had stopped and was watching them with vicious greed in its eyes. It knew it had them.
“Which…” Zoltar started, dreading the answer, but the Scorpus interrupted him.

“I’ll do it."

oh. wow. scorpus. so brave. so gallant. he was so cool. we've been him through this journey for so long and this is where it ends. i'll sure miss him.
pretty sure they could still run. was working alright before, and they're dragons - how big can this fuckin' forest be? if it's big enough to take DRAGONS time to exit, you should be explaining that.


>"You have your whole life ahead of you. Me, I’m old. I’ve lived the best of my life. I’ve taught you everything you will need to know to become a good soldier. Now go and tell the shadow talons that the island is not safe!” Scorpus shouted, yanking his tail away from Zoltar as he ran towards the beast, breathing a plume of fire to get its attention away from Zoltar. He ran off in another direction with the beast close on his tail.

nooo. scorpuuuuuus. nooooooooooo. the dialogue... it's so original. so beautiful. i've never seen this kind of scene before.
capitalize "Shadow Talons", by the way.


>Scorpus’s shouts echoed behind him, willing him to stop,

wut
i thought scorpus was telling him to leave and keep running and all that brave stuff


>Zoltar could see light ahead of him as the tangled forest gave way to a wide, open lake.

SEE? SEE? THE FOREST WASN'T THAT BIG.
or, at least, you didn't make it sound that big. this is only a couple sentences from the point where scorpus decided to go die - one paragraph in between, actually.


>skimming the surface of the moonlit water with his claws

IS ZOLTAR REALLY THINKING ABOUT SKIMMING THE SURFACE OF MOONLIT WATERS RIGHT NOW?




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Sat Jun 04, 2016 2:29 pm
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Desdemona wrote a review...



Hiya, Fel :)

Wow, you sure have a lot of reviews here, there isn't much I can help with. I'll look at all your chapters though, in the course of a few days.

I reviewed one of your stories before, your main issue is grammar. I would suggest reading up on those on various websites, such as about,com or dictionary websites. In any case, I will check on your newer works as they come along, and see if there is anything else I can suggest.

Until then, see you hunny <3
Keep writing,
Love,
Des.




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Sun May 01, 2016 3:43 pm
Eternity says...



Hey Felistia, Eternity here. You requested me to review this piece, and although I said I would, I see you have many reviews to help better this work. As it is a very interesting, and well proposed piece, I want to be better use to you than just another review on one piece that has a lot to begin with. As others have pointed out, grammar was the only critique I would have. However, I do want to make it up to you. If have any other pieces that need reviews, please let me know because I would love to help. I just don't see much need for improvement on this one piece. I'm sorry if this is rude..




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Sun May 01, 2016 1:27 am
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ChieTheWriter wrote a review...



That was really good. The way you vividly described the scene and the dragons, and the beast, was enough to grab someones attention and keep it. Everyone pretty much covered everything, (there were a few grammar errors by the way) but oh my gosh I am reading the next chapter.

PS: Your cover image was awesome.




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Sat Jan 30, 2016 6:03 pm
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BlueJayWalker10 wrote a review...



Hey, Jay here, your friendly critic!
This was fairly eye-catching, I must admit. However, I feel there are a few problems that I feel I must point out.
It was a good idea to throw the reader straight in there, but you could at least put in some explanation as to WHAT THE HECK was going on and as to who they were. I didn't even get a description.
Grammar? Your grammar, for the most part, is great! Just, there are some hiccups here and there. For instance:
"Zoltar sprinted forwards only to suddenly stumbled on a hidden tree root and fall to his knees."
I believe you meant to say something more like:
"Zoltar sprinted forwards only to suddenly stumble on a hidden tree root and fall to his knees."
Or maybe:
"Zoltar sprinted forwards, and suddenly stumbled on a hidden tree root and fell to his knees."
Several times you switched from past to present tense, and then there was that other case. I don't even know what happened there.
"Zoltar sucked in a deep breathe, feeling the heat build inside him."
Did you mean "Zoltar sucked in a deep breath, feeling the heat build inside him,"? Or were you trying to say that:
"Zoltar breathed deeply, feeling the heat build inside him."
That's all. Great job, I'd love to read more!




felistia says...


Thank you for a great review. I will be sure to go ahead and fix the small problems and include a bit more information. :D



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Mon Jan 25, 2016 2:16 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I'm going to get started on this story so maybe someday I'll be all caught up :) I will say as a disclaimer that fantasy is not my forte. I don't read a lot of fantasy so there will probably be things that confuse me that an avid fantasy reader would get right away. I also probably won't be as knowledgeable about the overall construction of a fantasy novel compared to a fantasy person. But writing is writing, so let's get started! :)

This was a pretty dynamic opening. I really, really appreciated that you threw the reader right into the plot and right into something exciting. I think part of what turns me off of many fantasy novels is that they start with a thousand characters and pile on world information and I can't begin to process all of it and I'm immediately confused. Smart move starting with a manageable amount of characters (4) and starting with a clear catalyst that should now propel the story. I'm assuming the characters are dragons? I don't think I've ever read a novel without any human characters (obviously too early to know if that's the case here), so I'm excited to see how this is going to go.

You have a really rich writing style and I quite enjoyed reading this. You have good descriptions without being over the top with them. I already feel like I'm part of the world :)

Some more specific thoughts:

Zoltar's chest was burning from running so long and he could smell Scorpus and Shriken's fear all around him as he hurtled onwards.

Even though you have a very manageable number of characters I definitely got Scorpus and Shriken mixed up. They both start with S and have 7 letters in their name. They're also not common names so my brain blobbed them together. I know it's very hard to change a name once you've named someone, so if you can't change one of their names I would distinguish them somehow. You don't do a lot of describing about what these three main people look like and maybe you could establish that Scorpus is red and Shriken is black or whatever and keep reinforcing that throughout this chapter. I know they end up dying anyway (at least one does) but I would assume they'll at least be mentioned again later on in the story and I want to be able to remember which is which.

Sticks and stones flew out from under his talons as he hurtled through the undergrowth. Trees whipped his snout with thorny branches, almost blinding him as a cruel wind howled through the tops of the ancient trees.

I love your descriptions. There's a fine line between just right and too much and I think you're right in the sweet spot. It's very vivid and visual without being flowery.

Their hooked boughs reached out with clawed fingers to grab at scaly wings of the three black dragons tearing through the forest.

Okay they are dragons :) Do they all have to be black? Could they have any distinguishing marks to tell them apart? (Especially the S ones)?

'I told them not to come into this part of the forest,' he thought, dodging a low hanging bough. ‘Why didn’t they listen?’

I think thoughts usually work better in italics because it separates it from the rest of the prose and makes it clear it's something other than narration or dialogue.

A sudden rush of fear gave Zoltar speed he’d never known he had and he charged in front of Shriken desperate to get away from the black panther of a beast behind him.

I would do a comma before "desperate". When I read it, it felt like there was a natural pause there. Also, in the previous paragraph the thing chasing them was referred to as a "unknown creature" and here it's a "black panther of a beast". Which is it?

“Go!” Scorpus yelled, opening his jaws and spraying a stream of yellow acid from his fangs. Zoltar let out a river of crimson hot flame along side Shriken's acid.

Here's another place to differentiate Scorpus and Shriken. They both use acid to fight off this attacker. Unless there's a reason they have the same weapon (which I would state in a concise way), I would change one of them up.

The attack hit the oncoming monster clean in the snout, stopping it is it’s tracks.

I would assume they can see the creature now because they were able to shoot at it. I would like more of a description about what this thing looks like. So far it's just been variations of "monster" and maybe it's a giant black panther, but I want a better image in my mind of what this thing is. What's the size comparison between it and the dragons?

A shower of broken branches and splinters rained down on Scorpus and Shriken, cutting into their wings and tail as they swerved this way and that.

If Scorpus ran and Shriken stayed put with Zoltar, how did the broken branches affect Scorpus and not Zoltar?

Now go and tell the shadow talons that the island is not safe!”

He had to convince the shadow talons that the island was not safe and that they should find somewhere else.

These lines felt repetitive to me.

I loved the ending! There was so much tension and suspense building throughout the chapter and those last couple of lines were great. It added almost a creepy vibe like this creature that just killed two of his friends could be anywhere lying in wait, or it's like it never happened. Great!

Overall, I thought this was a very strong opening chapter and I'm very curious to read on! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




felistia says...


Thank you so much for a great review. I will fix the problems right away and I hope to see you again soon.



Carlito says...


You are very welcome! Glad you found it helpful! You will definitely be seeing me again soon :)



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Wed Jan 20, 2016 12:42 am
Wolfi says...



Hey Felista! You already have a lot of good reviews on this work, so I'd rather review something for you that you need more help on. I'll read all these chapters if you'd like, but review-wise, 29 chapters is a lot to catch up on. Please let me know which specific chapters you'd like more help with. Thanks!

~Wolfie (yes, you can call me that :P )




felistia says...


Hi Wolfie. :D I really need reviews for all the chapters above chapter six, please and take your time. One review from you every two weeks is more than enough. :D



Wolfi says...


Awesome! ;)



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Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:31 pm
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writerkitty wrote a review...



Hey there,
First of all I must say; this chapter is awesome! ;) Your descriptions were amazing!!!
This is one of my favourite descriptions,

"Suddenly Shriken yelled and Zoltar whipped his head around to where Shriken lay dead with the T-Rex sized beast towering over him, it’s spear like tail dripping with scarlet red blood. The two jagged saber teeth jutting out from its upper jaw were wet with black saliva and it’s back shone a obsidian black in the thin blades of moonlight cutting through the canopy."

There were a few slight mistakes in your story, :) which can be corrected if you re-read this chapter slowly.


"Howling like rabid wolf, the beast was hurtling after them at break neck speed, a crazed bloodthirsty look burning in its eyes."
In this line I think it should be 'a rabid wolf', (Maybe it's just my bad.)
And breakneck is one word.

“Lunch in five, four,” Scorpus counted down as the beast sped towards them.

You've written Lunch instead of Launch, I got a little confused when I read that line because of that.

Apart from those small errors, your story is great. It's pretty touchy how Scorpus sacrificed
himself to save the young dragon, Zoltar.
I'm really looking forward to read the other chapters!!
Keep up the good work!!! :D




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Sat Jan 09, 2016 10:14 pm
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Meerkat wrote a review...



Hey, felistia. It's Meerkat here with a review.

I usually start off with spelling, grammar, punctuation, etcetera, so let's get that out of the way. Others reviewers have mentioned some typos and grammatical errors, so I'll try to focus on ones that haven't been brought up already.

-"blood curdling" should be one word.

-"moon light" is also one word.

-"a craze blood thirsty look burning in its eyes." The word should be "crazed," and "blood thirsty" needs to be one word.

-"waving his wings to get its attention away for Zoltar" should be "from."

-"The beast was starting to move forwarded again" should be "forward."

-"convinse" should be "convince."

Allow me a little detour here to talk about names. When writing, the names and titles you include should feel fitting and original, and contribute to the atmosphere and setting of the story. This was probably coincidental, but "Zoltar," while unique, is a pre-existing character in another work that has no connection to your story. Uniqueness may actually be detrimental in this case. While a random character named Harry would not immediately remind a reader of J.K. Rowling's books, "Zoltar" is much more memorable, and may be distracting to those who recognize both unrelated characters.

Just imagine if you wrote a story (not connected to the Hunger Games at all) but named the main character Katniss. Noticeable, right? I find it helpful to look up character names before I write so I don't accidentally copy something that already exists. Anyway, I'm not expecting you to change your MC's name, but just letting you know for the future.

As far as the names of regions on the map go, the titles leave something to be desired. "Volcano of Fire?" "Rocks of Death?" "Forest of Doom?" I bet you can be more original. Unless these places are from the original series and you are keeping them for posterity, I would recommend a change. Also, the Misty Mountains are a name Tolkien has already used, so some alteration may be advisable.

(Something I liked, however, is how the largest landform on the map makes the shape of a dragon's head. Very clever!)

Now on to characters. You introduce three names (Zoltar, Scorpus, and Shriken, plus one unnamed monster). Shriken dies before readers know anything about him. Ironically, although (I presume) Zoltar is the main character, we know more about Scorpus than we do about him. Scorpus is brave, sensible in a crisis, and noble, as evidenced by his sacrificing his life. Zoltar is just cowardly. We never see him in anything but a state of fear and helplessness. The audience is given no reason to care about or like this character. The first chapter is imperative in establishing a reader-protagonist bond, which is simply not present here. You really might need to give us a greater insight into who Zoltar is and why we should like him. Without an engaging (not even necessarily likable) character, readers will be bored no matter how interesting the story is.

Which brings me to plot, by far the strongest part of your story. You start off with action, which is a smart tactic to get an audience hooked. While the overarching story is a bit cliché, I really think you could get a fascinating tale (pardon the pun) with dragons as characters. The mysterious beast that was struck fear into dragons' hearts—I want to know more about it and why it is so powerful and deadly. Just remember to keep the dragons central: right now the story would not be much different if the characters were humans.

I feel that this really has the potential to be the sort of epic fantasy I think you are aiming for. Keep away from the dangerous clichés of this genre, and this could be a fantastic book with an original twist on the typical "hero's journey" storyline.

I hope I was suitably thorough and not too harsh in this review. Your writing style was very gripping and intense, and it works perfectly with such a fast-paced beginning. Have a great day, and keep writing!




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I will get to the problems as soon as possible. I have had a lot of trouble with this chapter and the next chapters will be better in character development. :D



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Wed Dec 16, 2015 1:25 am
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Charm wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to review this story!

#804080 ">Plot and Pace:
I thought they were humans but then I heard tail and wings. So they are dragons? The pace is fast but that is to be expected since you are writing a chase and fight scene.

#804080 ">Characters and Dialogue:
You need to introduce your character better because I didn't even know there was another character. i thought your main character was talking to himself.

#804080 ">Grammar and Weirdly Written Sentences:

'I knew I shouldn’t have come on this mission,' he thought, dodging a low hanging bough.
Spoiler! :
'I knew I shouldn’t have come on this mission,' he thought, dodging a low hanging bough.

A sudden rush of fear give Zoltar speed he’d never known he had and he charged to the front of the pack.
Spoiler! :
A sudden rush of fear gave Zoltar speed he’d never known he had and he charged to the front of the pack.


#804080 ">Confusion:
I had to reread it twice because I couldn't figure out why there was dialogue. Then I realized there was another character.




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Ehtaniel wrote a review...



Sorry if my review isn't very long nor detailed (I can't really help with the language as english is foreign tongue to me).
I like the way it start. It's a bit classic, but really effective. That way to put a character into a bad situation, with an unindentified threat behind him, good way to start your story with energy & mystery.
The end is the same way, you stop it just at the right moment. The character has finally escaped, but he's alone and we don't exactly know what happened to Scorpus (more mystery).
The "I'm old you're young so you're the one that should escape while I face death" is a really old classic one, but when used the right way, it's good (it makes a good starting point for later consideration, like is the character worthy of the sacrifice of his elder, etc.).
The description are rather good, perhaps a bit more could be good, but I'm not sure. My only concern is with that panther-like beast that looks really dangerous, and you eventually use the word behemoth to describe it, but at its first appear, when it kills the dragon, I don't know which size it is. Is it bigger than the dragon ? Far bigger ? Or just around the same size ?
A good first chapter, it starts action in a good way and put lots of question for the reader (what's about the message/information that Zoltar needs to deliver ?) :-)




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Mon Nov 30, 2015 11:58 pm
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dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Hey, I Really liked this. The chapter was really strong. I really like your story, and I can't wait to keep reading.

Something I really like is how the main character is a dragon, which is really cool.

I can't wait to read more of your story.

You use a lot of vocabulary, and go into detail. Instead of just saying "There's a tree with fallen branches."
You really go into detail, and I love that when people do that. It helps the readers.

Keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogs <3




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Wed Nov 25, 2015 2:34 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review all your chapters! It's been a while since I review stuffs, so I'm a little rusty. Hope you can bear with me. :D

First, the suggestions.

Spoiler! :
First of all, in the first chapter, you need a hook. The starting description is lovely, but it doesn't serve much as a hook. The second paragraph is a much better fit to start the novel.

Zoltar's legs were burning from from running so long. He could smell Scorpus and Shriken's fear all around him.Sticks and stones flew out from under his feet as he hurtled through the undergrowth. Trees whipped his face with thorny branches almost blinding him.


You can start it with this and insert the description afterwards. It's still coherent and cohesive. You see, the description gives imagery to readers, but this paragraph sets the tone and what the story is about. As a reader, I know this is not going to be your normal romance novel and more to mystery/suspense, fantasy kind of thing. And I'd like to read more.

I knew I shouldn’t have come on this mission,' he thought, dodging a low hanging bough. His heart leapt into his throat as a blood curdling roar filled the forest far behind him. The ground shook beneath him and the sound of heavy paws hitting the damp earth vibrated through his whole body. Branches cracked as the unknown creature bounded through the tangled trees.


When it comes to thoughts and dialogues, better to put them in a separate paragraph. In here, the thought should have its own paragraph alone.

The horrifying sound seemed to give Zoltar speed he’d never known he had and he charged to the front of the pack.


Hmm, I understand the meaning of this, but I'm not sure this is how you intend to explain to us. Surely it's more logical to know that the fear triggered by the sound give Zoltar speed instead of the sound itself.

The panther like beast


"The panther-like beast". If you don't add the dash, the meaning is different.

its spear like tail


"spear-like tail".

It had stopped and was slowly stalking towards him like a cat with a cornered mouse, as if it knew he couldn't get away.


"like a cat with a cornered mouse referred to the situation while you want to refer the beast, "like a cat cornering a mouse" seems to be a better fit.

“Come on kid! Don’t give up,” Zoltar looked up to see Scorpus helping him to his feet.


This dialogue tag doesn't tell me who's talking although I know it's supposed to be Scorpus. You can merge this with the one after since it's still him talking.

Flapping his wings Zoltar soared into the air skimming the surface of the water with his claws.


A comma after "wings".


Now, others.

I would have to say I'm interested with the idea of the the main protagonist being a dragon. This sets the novel with an entirely different mundane routines in which we see powerful humans done their things. It's refreshing to see that. And the fact that he is chased throws our presumption that dragons are powerful beings, probably most powerful. I'd like to see what is this creature that has dragons fearing it.

In terms of plot, there's so much to know here. I know they're running from the beast, but why and how did the get into that situation? I'm sure there's more to the matter than the beast just chasing them as it seems shadow talons need to know about this. I assume shadow talons are dragon in a different country, which means the issue can be global-scale. This chapter doesn't serve much as to give us a clear plot direction, but as a whole it serves as a hook to pull us in into reading more of it.

Your descriptions are also lovely. Instead of sticking with just "branches" and "trees", you showcase your vocabulary with "bough" and "creeper". It just adds more to the imagery serving the readers. I like how you detail each tiny things that happen in the forest as it makes the situation more fleshed out. The scene doesn't seem like a taken-out cardboard and more like a 3D box. I commend you on this.

All in all, this is a pretty strong chapter. Keep it up! Hopefully I can review the second one soon! :D




felistia says...


Thank you so much for the review. I will fix the problems right away.



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Mon Nov 23, 2015 1:29 am
Sigyn wrote a review...



First I would like to say kudos for having a map at the beginning, that takes dedication and remind me of other fantasy stories like "Rowan of Rin". So just from the prologue it is a bit chaotic what is happening and left me personally a bit confused about what was happening. Zoltar and his two friends were running away from a beast and they are dragons, his two friend died? Anyway it's intrigued me I'm hooked despite my confusion a bit but that would be fixed as I read further I'm going to gain more clarity.

Keep writing as this story needs to be completed.:D




felistia says...


Thank you, in the first chapter I try to leave a bit of mystery, but everything will be explained farther on.



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Thu Nov 12, 2015 5:06 pm
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...



Hi! Sorry for taking so long to get back to you with this review, but here I am! I only have time for the prologue right now, but I'll come back and review further chapters as I get free time. :)
I apologize if I repeat anything already said.

“I knew I shouldn’t have come on this mission,” he thought,

Thoughts should be italicized, not in quotes.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Me, I’m old. I’ve lived the best of my life. Now go and tell the shadow talons!”

You forgot the " at the beginning of this quote.

beast in tail

Do you mean "on his tail"? "Beast in tail" doesn't make sense, at least to me.

Overall:
This was interesting, but it was a bit choppy. Your sentence lengths don't vary much, so reading it was a bit stop and go. It's a little cliche as well, what with the lone hero escaping after being attacked and having his friends die etc. but otherwise, I thought this was pretty good.

I'll be reviewing the next chapter soon! Hope I helped!

~HopelessAbandon




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. I have fix the problems. I am still having a bit of trouble with the prologue and I am working to fix it. The story gets more exiting as you go along. The prologue is important information and has to be there.



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Mon Nov 09, 2015 8:03 pm
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FallWolf wrote a review...



Hola felistia, it's FallWolf here to give you a bit of friendly advice =)

I have to say, I'm... not very hooked on the story. The only reasons for a prologue (at least in my mind) are to get the readers hooked, and sometimes a way to add some more backstory to the characters. I might be wrong in this, but as a reader who ALWAYS reads the prologue, I want that couple paragraphs to give me information and a desire to plunge deeper into the story. However, I agree with Pretzelstick in that even if you have an awesome prologue, there still has to be a good attention-getter in the first chapter as some readers skip over the prologue, viewing it as information they don't need. This does not mean that a prologue is a bad idea, lot's of good authors like Tui T. Sutherland and Erin Hunter use prologues in their literary work. Okay, enough Howsoevers and so forths about if you should have a prologue or not, the thing is you do have one and hopefully I can give you some pointers about how to make it better =)

For one, this scene seems very shallow. There is a beast barreling after some poor and, for some reason, not flying dragons. Some readers will go "so what? A dragon dies, killed by an nondescript monster thing. This is so boring I don't think the rest of the book will be any better" and SLAM, you've lost a reader. I can't press this enough, you have to set the mood. If I'm not mistaken, you're looking for a desperate, scary mood. In a way you sort of pulled it off, as I get a picture of slashing branches and a dark, creepy forest. It could be improved upon though.
For one, the beast is frankly not scary. It is a big, hairy, red eyed, metal clawed, spiky tailed, fast moving monster who defies the scratching branches to run after it's prey. I can read about Zoltar's fear, but I don't feel Zoltar's fear. I would recommend a couple things here. First, a better description of the monster, maybe when Zoltar looks back to see it stab ferociously at Shriken. Maybe try drawing a picture of the monster if you can't imagine it's every detail, because you're going to need the small details to make the story really pop. When you're in a scary situation, you remember the strangest things. How the monsters tail, poised to strike yet another victim down, is stained ruby red, glistening in the small scatters of moonlight that shove through the canopy above. How the monster drools, white spittle flying out of it's mouth as it roars, almost as if it was enjoying itself, enjoying the mindless killing.
Second, how is this huge monster running through the forest? He should be CRASHING or rampaging, not swiftly, gracefully, nonchalantly running. He needs to grasp at the terrified Zoltar, metal claws reaching out, rusty from the blood already spilled across them. But Zoltar stumbles behind a large oak, oxygen burning through his ravaged chest, mindlessly trying to just get away from the nightmare behind him. The monster bashes into the tree, splinters flying and the wood screaming, moonlight suddenly flashing as the strong oak is felled, the work of a hundred years falling before the ferocious strength of the brown beast.
Woa, sorry there, got carried away. Um, lets just say it would be awesome if the monster would crash into a couple things. I mean, if the dragons can't take off because of the branches, the monster is going to bash a couple things over. Probably only one oak though, those things are STRONG. The monster has to rampage, not just run.

Please please PLEASE add some more descriptive writing! This is where you get to have fun, delving into your mind and pushing the dragons to utmost terror by using similes, metaphors and personification. Action is one part actually action, two parts DESCRIBING that action. Zoltar is scared, yes, but HOW is he scared? Does he just mindlessly bolt, or is there a small part of his mind that is scolding him, telling him to turn and face the beast who just murdered one of his friends? IS Zoltar a flight or fight sort of guy? And how about Scorpus? He should be efficient, someone who you can count on in the heat of battle. But he has to be scared too, wings accidentally tangling in vines, tail thrashing, looking over his shoulder at his friends, stuff like that.

This could become a great story if you worked with it a little more. Please don't stop writing!




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. I will take your advice. When I was writing the prologue I thought I was putting to much description in and had to hold back, but if you say to add more so be it. By the way you seem to be an excellent writer from the suggestions you wrote.



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Sat Nov 07, 2015 3:28 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya felistia, Pretzel here for a review, as requested.

I have got to say,that I love how you started off with a map of this world that you are creating. That shows a sign of world-building, a skill that you exemplified in this prologue. The thing is, even though this is all great and everything, you shouldn't have that much worldbuilding in the prologue. The worldbuilding should be gently folded into the narrative, throughout the whole novel. By the time that we finish your novel, the readers should have a clear image of the world that you characters are living in. That doesn't have to be even started in this prologue.

Contrary to what other reviewers and people may say, I don't like prologues. I know that I have to make a case for it. Readers, like me have a tendency to skip over prologues, so if this was in a published book,and if you wouldn't have requested me to review this specific work, I would have definitively skipped over it. So, you can't use this as a hook for your readers, because you could have "shot yourself in the foot" with your writing, metaphorically of course. You need to have an equally enticing hook, or even more in the first chapter, if your readers decided to not read this, and just skip right ahead to Chapter 1.

Here is an amazing article that I would definitively recommend that is entitled: To prologue or not to prologue and it has a lot of these points that I made, and I wholeheartedly agree with it. Just please make sure that this isn't an actual substitute for Chapter 1 itself, just the foreword, something that you can't write or place anywhere else in the story.

I didn't understand if these characters were dragons or eagles?? I was just wondering because my mental image of these characters got kinda blurred because of this, if you see what I mean. If I was confused, maybe other people could be too.

Its red glowing eyes struck fear straight through his heart.

Its blood red eyes seemed to be burning holes through Zoltar's mind.


These two quotes are very similar, though placed in different spots. So I spotted this repetition,and thought that I should have let you know. I already know Zoltar is extremely scared from the first time that you quoted it, so you really don't have to write another sentence that shows me the exact same thing. This was the only nitpick that I had.

Overall, I think that this was extremely amazing writing! Writing is like a muscle, the more you develop it in descriptions and such, the better is gets. Also, as a side note, I wouldn't recommend posting all of the next chapters so quickly, because then your reviewers won't be able to get to them as quickly as you wanted them to. It's better just to go slowly, post slowly, and then revise when you get some good quality reviews. It's NaNo this month so the general number of reviews on YWS goes down, because most people are just concentrating on finishing their novel.

I hope that this helps you improve your novel. If you have any questions, then please feel free to reply below.

~Pretzel.




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. I will get round to fixing the problems in a little while.



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Thu Oct 29, 2015 8:35 am
DragonWriter22 says...



Wow! That was awesome! I love your descriptions and how the characters are dragons. This prologue definitely has me hooked, I'll be reading more of Talons of Flame soon.




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Tue Oct 27, 2015 9:13 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello! :D
What better place to start than the beginning...? :) I love your description in this, and I only have one nitpick! :D

Scorpus shouted


You use this twice (I think) in your story. One thing I've learned when writing about animals (especially mythical talking ones) is that you want to try and use a voice you'd imagine that animal using. Since they are dragons, this makes it even harder - but it's good to have a challenge once in a while. ;) Maybe use other words (other than mostly human related ones) to describe the way they said it. Examples can be "screeched" or "grunted". :D Here's a list of them if you want to check them out. http://www.sd47.bc.ca/school/pie/Studen ... 20List.pdf

Other than that, this was great! :D I certainly can't wait to read more! Great job, and keep writing!
~Snazzy, Pencil, Penicillin, etc. :)
Stay awesome! ;)
(P.S. It might not be today that I can review the rest, but I'll do it as soon as I can! ;) )




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I will definitely try to use different words. Thank you.



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Sun Oct 25, 2015 5:03 pm
Ronald559 wrote a review...



Okay a couple of things before I give you some criticism. First of all it was great. You have some great description, and a clear voice for the main character/character in this prologue. You also have some excellent vocabulary, and it feels richer as a whole. Now...
You refer to the characters in different ways. "Scorpus/The shadow talon/the scorpus" So is his name Scorpus, is that his species, or is he a shadow talon?" It's confusing and I thought for a moment there were 4 characters not 3. In the beginning you have to use the same name for the characters, especially in a scene like this where so much is happening. Bring up that he's a shadow talon later.


"over the sound of the monster behind them."
I thought this was to telling and not showing. Over the sound. What sound? What is it like? We know at this point it's really powerful and it booms but how does it sound like, and is it roaring, is it making rapor noises? Is he chasing in quiet with the occasional roar? Sound in this sentence is like thing. What thing do you mean? Say roar if you must or bellow but don't say sound. It doesn't paint a picture.

"Zoltar let out an involuntary cry."
I really like this sentence, because I felt like it said a lot about his character.


"He then ran off in another direction with the beast in tail."
Take out the then. Look how much better it sounds. He ran off in another direction with the beast in tail. It isn't necessary and it paints a weird picture.


I enjoyed your story and the tenseness of the scene. I like how it unfolds, and when Shriken dies. You feel like you are right there with the character experiencing Shriken die.

I think the worst mistake you made in the entire piece though is at the end. It's a mistake in character building. Which is most important to me. It's when Scorpus offers to give himself up so that Zoltar can live.
He says I'll do it, and he talks about how Zoltar needs to go on. I know the monster is coming but Zoltar should really reject his offer at first. Unless he's a jerk or a wimpy character. I really think if Zoltar is our main character he should say something. Because I didn't like him after that happened. He left his friend to die. (we don't know yet its his mentor.) He should say something like: No you can't I'll stay.
Then Scorpus reply with: You've your whole life ahead of you. Me. I’m old, I've lived. Now go! Tell the shadow talons!

Considering this is his mentor I don't think a decent person would leave their mentor behind without making some attempt to refute his noble offer. Think about it. He's your character so ultimately you decide what sort of person he is.

The last piece I had a problem with was this.
"As he flew over the ocean away from the island he swore that one day he would avenge the death of his mentor."

One day he would avenge the death of his mentor. Well now I know what will happen. I know he'll avenge his mentor and the end. It gives me a reason to say: no thanks. Your story alone should give the reader enough motivation to continue reading. But you add a throw away line that one. It's a weak line that tells you where we are going. Readers like the mystery of not knowing. Also you should show us that he wants to avenge his mentor in later chapters by actions or words. It's cheesy otherwise. Your prologue is really strong, and I'm motivated to keep reading without that last line. Think about this, because I don't think it's a good representation of your writing.

Overall I don't like fantasy usually but this was good. Suspenseful and it has a really nice flow that makes it easy to read. I am usually against prologues and always tell people to not write them. I felt though that this prologue was necessary, and a good one. Maybe you should think about including extra in the beginning. Why are they there? Give us some relationship between Zoltor and Scorpus. Your whole story is going to revolve around him avenging his mentor. We should know if they had a good relationship, and what it was like. Also when Shriken dies we don't really care we don't know him at all. We're really only afraid for the narrator, so it does accomplish something.




Pretzelstick says...


Quick tip: If you want to take things directly from the poem/piece I would suggest using the quote coding. Here is what I mean:

Put the text here


And here is the simple code for doing that:
Code: Select all
[quote]Put your text here[/quote]


This helps so so much for the writer who is reading your review.



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Sun Oct 25, 2015 10:24 am
burninhell wrote a review...



Hello,
This is an amazing prologue. I know not all that many people like prologues, but personally I love them.
You've created just the right amount of mystery in this piece, and I'm instantly finding myself drawn in. Your description and use of imagery is perfect, you make it easy to picture what is going on while at the same time keeping it quick and brief, and it works amazingly well!
And now I'm left with about a million other questions. What are the Shadow Talons? Why was the dragon chasing them? And most importantly, what's going to happen next?
Seriously this is amazing, I'm a huge fan of fantasy, and your way of writing is amazing.
I also love your map :D
I'm so excited for the next part! Please let me know once you've posted it, I'd really love to know what's going to happen next, suspense is going to kill me!




felistia says...


I will post the chapter as soon as I can. I am sort of waiting for the review day to be up, so I can post the next two chapters. Thanks for the review.



burninhell says...


All good, I'll be looking out for them :)



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FeatherPen wrote a review...



Gooday felistia,
And happy review day!
To start off with I love prologues which begin with a map.
You have started off with great description, sense of urgency which draws the reader in and introduces them to the main charictor, perfect for a prologue.

Giving the other shadow talons a name from the get go would make their deaths feel more real and the sacrifice greater. Eg. ‘Zoltar was breathing heavily from running so long. He could smell Scorpus and……the other shadow talons’ fear all around him.’

‘The beast jerked its ugly brown head up from its kill and looked straight at Zoltar. Its red glowing eyes struck fear straight through his heart.’ Is dramatic however, is a previously used analogy. Unless it happens immediately before Zoltar trips, it logically can’t have happened in the period of a glance which has already seen something.

Like wise if the beast is bearing down on Zoltar, he and his mentor are not going to have time to hold a strategy meeting, however brief, unless something else delays the dragon.
The fast pace of the writing hides these inconsistencies in the first read though and they are not glaringly obvious while the reader is caught up in the moment, as you have eloquently achieved. .

This incident will obviously prove the motive in the main story for Zoltar and is a brilliant exiting start to a story.

Keep writing, Feran




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. I have been waiting a while for a review. I have applied the changes to the prologue and you are right, it does make a difference. I hope that you will follow the story as I write it and again thanks for the review, it helped a lot.



FerranWright says...


Your welcome, it can be so frustrating when a work sits in the green room, with no reviews, for FOREVER. Thank goodness for review days! *clicks follow*. I will try and follow you story as it unfolds, but as I'm currently following a few, if you want me to review each chapter notify my by P.M or tag me with the @ when you release it.



Ronald559 says...


Yeah I forgot to mention that you don't really know how far this creature is from the characters, I felt like it was playing a game. Kind of like a tiger. He was watching them and attacking when he wanted to. So I felt like that was the reason for some inconsistencies.



felistia says...


Okay, I will apply the change. Thanks for the review




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