Published August 9, 2009
A high
A jolt
Riveting excitement
But only for a few moments
After its over
The feeling: dissolves
Replacement: un-satisfaction
Regret, Disgust
Lingering, Wallowing
Waiting for it to ware off
I don’t know why I do it
I do know why I do it
Its sickens me
It excites me
Hate it
Love it
::Addiction::
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hello, I’m Roon, nice to meet you! Okay, I like the idea, but the use of language doesn’t really bring it to life for me. I’ll start with nitpicks:
You don’t need the colon, but I see that you’ve tried to use this to effect, although it’s just not necessary. Also it’s over.
I think you want dissatisfaction?
Wear off I think?
It sickens me.
You need to use some imagery somewhere, make use of our senses. Punctuation, for the most part, seems to have been neglected as well.
Okay, so not much really, but your use of language could be more exciting. I’m not suggesting you go over the top and make it purple, but I think you should find a balance. However I do like the idea here and what you’re portraying, it’s just the execution that is lacking something. The way you’ve structured it is great though. The short lines, and the contradictions are excellent, just the way it is in real life. I do like this, but I think it could be better as you clearly have a talent for poetry, it seems like this is a first draft though. Hope this helps!
~ Roon
Wow that was really good! The title really hooks. That probably didn't help much... sorry!
-Sonny
It was a good short poem beside the usual grammar mistakes I think your alright! I loved the use of the description words they were very useful and creative! I believe you should try for a more better topic that you could use more words in and actually create a story that will capture ones attention! But don't get me wrong this was great and plus the title alone catches attention or else you would have no reviews! Kepp em' coming!
♥ E
It captures the power of an addiction well, the conflicting emotions and the total battle of what should be and what is. It showed how we fight the lure of it, scared and unknowing of what it is. But then at the same time, we know what it is that lures us and draws us to whatever danger.
I loved it
Sorry if this "review" doesn't help you much, but I just wanted to say that I loved your piece. Fantastic, fantastic poetry.
I totally understood what you meant.The feeling of excitement of your addiction lasts only as long as its happening.Once its over,all the fun is gone.
A very simple, easy, comprehensible piece.
Good.
Hi, fatimachan. You get my one hundreth review!
Reading this leaves me thinking, "So what?" Is there any way you can take these ideas and make them more descriptive, fresh, and relatable to the reader?I like this. It was great to read, as it expresses perfectly things that I've felt. However, this poem is in dire need of some punctuation!
I also think that, especially in the first stanza, this poem just feels like a kind of vague laundry list of images which could be tied together more soundly. Does that make sense? For instance:
As it is a contraction, you need an apostrophe in "it's". I don't understand the colon in the third line here. I think you simply mean to say, "The feeling dissolves." So you don't need the colon.
I love the first two lines of the last stanza; they are so real! But the ending gets weak here:
This seems kind of... cheesy? The word "addiction" has no place at the end of this stanza. It just seems tacked on as a quick way to finish the poem.
Sorry if this seems harsh, but I think this poem has a lot of potential. Thanks for sharing in!
-Rachel
I like this poem. It is dramatic and gripping.
"un-satisfaction" should be "unsatisfaction" with no dash. And it should be "wear" instead of "ware".
I really like this stanza. The anaphora and conflicting emotions make it realistic and compelling to read.
Awesome job