Some people are so strange
Some people are just derange
But when I look at you
I see right through me too
So won't you take my hand?
Or are you just gonna stand
And listen to the band?
When my headphones breakdown
I always give a little frown
But then I see you cute
And I put on my best suit
And give a little smile
Because I like your style
Baby, don’t you know?
People are so strange
And some are just derange
So you don't know what all this means?
It's all about those Jeans
Baby
All those genes you've got
Don't you know?
center
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Welcome to YWS!
), but whatever you do, do not force it. If it isn't important to the point of the poem, don't add it just for the sake of rhyming!
Okay, first I am going to say (referring to the poll) that you should keep posting and writing no matter how harsh or unsatisfied people are with your pieces because you will improve if you keep posting and secondly, this is in lyric poetry so I am going to critique it like a poem though it is also meant to be lyrics.
Now, the first issue I am going to tackle is your rhyme scheme. In short, your rhyming was forced which made some of the couplets (two rhyming lines if you don't know what they are) a lot less powerful than they could have been. It's fine to not rhyme; free verse is often some of the better poetry I've seen. It takes a lot of practice to rhyme effectively (plus a few rhyming websites perhaps
Next, is your structure. A poem does not have to be strictly structure, but it shouldn't sound terribly awkward to the reader's ears.
When I first read this poem, this was the main thing that stuck out to me. Okay, so in your first stanza, we have 3 couplets (couplet 1 rhymes with strange, 2 with you and 3 with hand) By these three couplets, you give the reader a rough jist of your rhythm and this idea of 3 couplets it repeated in some of your later stanzas (stanza 2 for instance)... and then you have the extra line that rhymes with couplet 3. Firstly, it makes the stanza awkward and secondly, 'and listen to the band' doesn't seem necessary to the poem. HOWEVER, I did like your line 'I see right through me too.' Very clever
Your 3rd stanza is only 3 lines and I don't see that as as much of a problem because you are leading into the conclusion of the poem, but I think it would be better without the 1st line.
And then... your last stanza. Here, you totally trashed the rhyme scheme and your basic rhythm in the first two stanzas, thus making it hard to read and lacking in the power repetition can hold. Your break from the rhyme scheme and rhythm seemed to have no reason behind it and thus seemed just sloppy as if you were tired of the poem. Your conclusion needs to be powerful and conclusive, not random and worn-out. So work on semi-consistent structure and conclusive endings here.
I also thought you could use some more creative language here. It seemed dull, not loving.
So, work on: rhyming, structure and creative language and you are down the road to improving.
Nice effort here and please keep writing. PM me if you have any questions!
I would love to here this sung by anyone
.And yeah u can post more songs.
I liked the first stanza.Good job
-sayani
Yes, derange should be deranged.
I liked it pretty well..it was cute.
-*Shimmer
Yeah I think I read this before but didn't comment....
Derange should be deranged
But then I see you cute
And I put on my best suit
And give a little smile
Because I like your style
That part confused me entirely...
It kind of made me... feel weird, not the good way either, but whatever. I don't know, I can't help you with this one, but it's needs, personally, a lot of fixing up with.
(dont take anything i say wicked personal, i tend to be blunt, not on purpose)
i personally dont like most rhyming poems/lyrics, but that's just my personal opinion. This definatly tells a story..the first part at least, bit confusing as it goes on. i like the title as "dont you know"