The world is officially ending. I thought as i ran as fast as my legs could cary me across broken glass and burning cars. The air was filled with smoke, making it hard for me to breath in fresh air as my lungs faught for it. I jumped over a burnt car door and stopped as I saw the figure ahead of me. He was wearing a helmet and armor,deffinintly one of the other forces, not ours. I back away, ducking behind a car door as he lifts his gun to shoot one of the fleeing victums. She fell down with a heart wrenching scream as her hand flew to her leg where she was hit. The thing stepped careful around the fallen glass shard to a girl that looked about 9, I look around franticly. Trying to figure out what to do to distract him. I grab one of the pieces of glassed, careful not to cut myself and throw it to the other end of the street where it shattered with a crack. I got the distraction i need as he walks away to look for danger. I run to the girl, seeing her leg matted with bright red blood. She looked up quickly and winced at the pain it caused her, i kneel beside her and rip away the fabric that surrounded the wound. The girl trembled at my touch and wimpered more than once when i accidently touched it. I take of my second shirt and wrap it around the girls leg. The blood seeped through it almost instintly but slowed as i tightened it. "Can you stand?" I ask her. She just gives me a nod and tries to heave herself up by herself but failing. I grab her arm and help her up as gently as i can. She leans heavily against me as we make our way down the street.
"Who are you?" The girl finally asks.
"Aliza" I grunt.
" Oh, im Nolla."
I nod, not feeling the need to talk as we round the corner. "Leave at once!" A voice said farther up. For a minute i almost thought they were talking about us but as we neared i saw a crowd of people. I hesitated for only a second then carried on to the yelling voices. "This is a place for all the survivors of the city, you can not kick me out." The other voice declares."Oh ya , try me." The voice was low and threatening and i would've turned around if it wasn't for Nolla. We got to the small crowd of people that exsisted of 8 or 10 people, not that many survivors."You would leave your own brother to fend for himself?" It was a womens voice now, and the one she spoke to stayed silent, I knew she was making him question his decision. Finally he said" You may stay but if i catch you do one thing wrong, your out." The people parted as they let him through. It was a boy, about 17(my age) with dark unruly brown hair and brown eyes that stared ahead. Not even a glance at us. I opened my mouth about to call out but stopped myself, he seemed like he would just blow us off and stomp to where ever he was going.
" Well, what do we have here?" A voice sayed behind us, I turned around slowly, careful of Nolla's leg and looked at the voices owner. It was a boy of the same age, except he had blond hair and gray eyes unlike the other one. I could tell they were related by the facial bone structure but other that they seemed totally different." Ah two lovely ladies, come to us to beg for mercy and ask for us to take them in." He smirks" Of course I am the handsome prince charming you have been looking for your whole life probably, like i am with so many gir-"Points:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, FantasyWolf,
Okay, so the first thing that strikes me about this work is: paragraphing. Paragraphs are a brilliant tool in your writer's toolkit. They help to break up your story into manageable chunks, so that it's not all solid blocks of text on the page/screen - and that way, it's easier to read, so more people will read it. As a general rule, try to start a new paragraph every time the focus changes - so, when a new event starts, or a new person starts doing something. For example, in the third line here, "I jumped over a burnt car door" is a change from just running, so I'd start a new line with that.
Something else that's important to do before you share your writing is to check the spelling and grammar, and see if you have any typos. I can see a few places where you've missed capitalising an 'I' (e.g. "...as gently as i can" at the end of the first block), and a few typo/spelling errors like "deffinintly" near the top. I'd also advise against chatspeak ("u" in "lets get u both inside"). Again, this is about readability - you want to make it as easy as possible for people to read your stuff, because that way more people will read it.
Another thing that I notice about this piece is that you're doing something known as "tense-hopping". That is to say, some of the piece is in past tense ("I thought as I ran..."), and some of it is in present tense ("She just gives me a nod..."). You should try to pick one tense, and stick with it throughout, to avoid confusing the reader.
I would be very interested in seeing an edited-up version of this piece - if you post one, please do let me know! Please also feel free to message me if you have any questions about what I've said here, or if you'd like me to do a full spelling/grammar/typo nitpicking of this.
Happy writing!
Cadi x
Well i like the story but i saw some mistakes in there. Like the title needs to be capotilized and you should reread it so that you can catch your own mistakes. Also you should do a title that will catch the readers eyes. But i like the plot, I can't even guess where it's going which is kind of exciting. Leave the reader hanging wondering whats going to happen next. I think it could use more of a true calling or like make the reader feel what Aliza is feeling, its kind of just a bunch of words.
It's very mysterious and i wonder what there hiding from Aliza and if that creepy women is on there side or on the other sides. Oh and whats going on between Ash and Eden, why does Ash act as if he's in charge of the little posy?
Well i like the story but i saw some mistakes in there. Like the title needs to be capotilized and you should reread it so that you can catch your own mistakes. Also you should do a title that will catch the readers eyes. But i like the plot, I can't even guess where it's going which is kind of exciting. Leave the reader hanging wondering whats going to happen next. I think it could use more of a true calling or like make the reader feel what Aliza is feeling, its kind of just a bunch of words.
It's very mysterious and i wonder what there hiding from Aliza and if that creepy women is on there side or on the other sides. Oh and whats going on between Ash and Eden, why does Ash act as if he's in charge of the little posy?