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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Structure and form, to me, don't exactly go hand in hand with poetry at all times. So when it comes to something like this, I really have nothing to say on the fact that you chose to keep this in a paragraph form without any form of punctuation. If it's a stylistic choice, then good on you. Otherwise, I'm not exactly too particular.
Mind, I'm not particularly sure what edge you were trying to play when it came to this piece. It's a bit sing-songy, like that Freddie song. The 'one, two, he's coming for you' one. Which makes this a bit morbid and a bit pointless. Not that it's necessarily pointless to experiment with topics, but the images you create here are pretty stark and basic. The kind of images you'd expect in a poem about someone coming to get you.
I would have loved to see you work with something a little more interesting. You've pulled at a topic that was sort of bland and unemotional. There was nothing that the reader could really decipher nor does this really cause much of any kind of ache. And poetry, dear, should ache, whether that ache be good or bad. After finishing a poem, if you sigh and feel oddly contented whether in sadness or happiness, you know you've read a great poem.
In this case, it was a bit nullified due to the fact that it's lacking in a really strong theme or anything multifaceted.
One thing that you should always note when it comes to good poetry is that rarely does a poet ever bear their intentions as a prose writer would. You're not simply telling a story when you write a poem. You're not trying to prove anything or imply a certain thought to entice or scare people. You're writing something that becomes ethereal and of it's own. Something that should reflect not only emotion or a story or a scary, enticing thought, but it can and should have more than one layer. Like an opinion or a cake. You have the base layer, which is a bit wonky to begin with. Try adding a bit of icing and another tier.
Anyways, there are definitely a few things worth working on when it comes to this piece. Generally, I would suggest writing a new poem with a new topic. Editing poetry is difficult, especially when you're looking at something as raw and ethereal as good poetry. So read more and write more. You'll find it will come a lot easier if you do.
Much love,
~Walker
Hello! I don't think we've come across each other on this site, but welcome to YWS! I think this poem is rather interesting, as it transcends both the format of poetry and pose as well as presents some interesting imagery.
I don't know if what you did was experimental and intentional, or merely an accident, in terms of format, but I must say that it makes the poem extremely hard to read. However, it seems as if it is all in the spirit of your poem which conveys a rather disconcerting and confusing tone. However, I would suggest that if you do not decide to put this poem into stanzas, that you do consider inserting punctuation for the sake of flow and continuity.
On a side note,
This should read as "When you're blinded."
also,
This should be "When you're cold."
and
"When you're nervous you may trip."
I do have a question as to what message you are trying to convey with this poem. It seems as if you are trying to reassure the subject of your poem. In fact, you spend approximately half of your poem doing this. What I would like to know, as your uninformed reader, why your subject should not fear. Your poem sort of lacks direction in this respect, and I'm sure that the message that you are trying to convey will come across much clearer if this is established.
The reason I bring up the aforementioned topic is because of the drastic tone switch starting from "No Mistake."
> For one, do you mean to say "Make no Mistake?" This would make a lot more sense as No Mistake is very indirect and it is unclear as to what you're trying to say.
During this tone change you immediately lapse into a series of "You Mays" which seem unfinished.
But what? But make no mistake, you will never survive when he comes? These two ideas seem extremely unrelated. I think that perhaps you should explore the subject's dilemma a bit more by giving more of a response to each one, and then establishing that all of it is in vain because they're doomed. What I mean is adding something to the end of this line like,
You may stutter when you're nervous
But you are steady when you're bold.
I'm not saying you should use this specific line, I'm just demonstrating the fact that you should complete the thought before contrasting it against the final declaration of hopelessness.
In all, I think you're poem has a lot of potential but it seemed unfinished to me. I think if you went back to it and reconsidered the structure and the way that you convey your message, you could have a strong piece. If you're hesitant to change anything about this poem, keep these wise words in mind.
"Murder your darling."
What this means is that no matter how sure about something you are, or how much you feel something is perfect, you should rip it apart and examine it's guts to make absolutely certain that everything is as it should be.
I hope that my suggestions help you and that you enjoy YWS.
Keep writing,
Threnody
Hey Fantasywolf! Hahaha! I like your name: the Fenrir thematics. Anyways, let me give you a short critique of the piece "Do not Fear and No Mistake".
Good luck!
First, though, YOU NEED TO FIX THE POST'S FORMAT! As in as soon as you read my review! This is a usual bug or glitch in posting (although sometimes, it can be the writer's fault). But it impedes reading and can stop readers from reading the whole piece itself. But for me, I'm ready to give a review befitting a poem, so this is the real review...
First is the title. Yes, the title matters a lot when you try to publish it. Make sure that you capitalize verbs, nouns, pronouns and other important parts of speech, like Fear. Second, you needn't capitalize every start of a line. As long as this is a poem, you can do so much conventions as you can, so you don't need to capitalize much. I can see that you also capitalized some parts of a line. If you plan on retaining this in the revised version, make sure you put up some kind of symbolism for those words; if not, try editing them
Lastly, I see the pattern of the piece, and I like it. But I don't see a concept of the problem and its resolution. It's okay to exclude them, but the pattern is very beautiful, so as a reader myself, I'd love to see what happens next. It's okay to end up this way. but it would be better to provide a much wider concept
That's all I can say for now, since I can't review much because of the form. But I think those concerns are best to see if you plan on revisin' the piece
Your pal,
Al