"Yawn!" I began to open my eyes, or at least I think I did. I was unable to see anything. "Hello, is anybody in here? Hello is anybody in here?" I could hear the soft smooth echo from the sound of my voice. Nobody answered me. At that very moment I could hear a slow movement that seeemed to be 3 feet away. I could footsteps, very large ones at that, that were moving closer and closer. Soon what ever that thing was, it was right in front of me. I held my breath thinking maybe it would forget I was there. I don't know why I thought that because he was circling around me now. Then i saw a small line of light in front of me. I looked up, and could see that that thing was no monster, or at least not to me. It was a...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello again. I'm glad to see part two up.
Anyway, I must say I'm slightly peeved at the length. This really isn't a chapter. At most it's the blurb on the back of your book. Also, this has lots of grammar stuff, though not as much as the first part. Most prominent was the fact that you put "yawn" in quotation marks. Nobody actually says, "Yawn," as a direct quote.
Your ideas are good, but you need to slow down and give more sensory detail. Most importantly, break it down into other paragraphs. I also have no idea who this character is. Boy? Girl? How old? Please, please, please give us more detail.
Like I said, you have great ideas and I want to read more. Keep it up!
I agree, it needs a bit more description. I think you also need to read through it slowly, maybe say it allowed. There's a few simple spelling and grammar mistakes that need fixing. I like your ideas though, it's a good start. Keep it up.
Again...
You need to put more description into it. This is way to short to be a chapter... Try to make them longer!
Remember to capitalize your I's and some of it does not make any sense and all!
Try reading it over and working a little harder on it. Because from what I see here you just jotted down a very very ruff draft.
hi
personally i don't think there is much to criticise because the words and discriptions are great but the order of some of it doesn't flow as much as it could, well not things like:
the first word: "yawn!"- I'm not sure if this is a great way to start what about just; 'I yawned and began to open my eyes.....'
also, the first line could do with some rearranging maybe; i yawned and began to open my eyes but was confronted by complete and utter darkness.
next a love the idea of the next couple of lines but it could still be improved:
how about- "Hello, is anybody in here?" only the smooth, soft echo of my voice mimicked me. Not even the whisper of a single real voice.
not much to say about this but swapping it was to it would be.
apart from that it is very, very good and i hope to read more.
*Fairy*