Published November 28, 2007
Dragons, although scaly and scary, they are still my heroes. Why, you ask, because they saved my life a long time ago. I was about 8 years old, and I didn't believe in dragons. I was playing in the sand at a the lake, to get some groceries to eat for lunch. We were going to have a picnic on the sand. The sun shining bright in front of us, a light breeze blowing the hair out of my eyes, and a beautiful evening sunset. It would be the perfect day, if there was a such thing as the perfect day. It, unfortunately, turned out nothing like that.
The sun was beating down on my face, and it felt as if I were two feet away from it. I decided to go into the water to cool myself down. I went under water with my eyes open, and I saw a large movement in the water not far from me. I carefully, trying not to make a sound so the creature wouldn't hear me, walked slowly out of the water. When I thought I was being very quite, I obviously wasn't. Whatever it was the thing was coming after me, I could feel it. I closed my eyes, and then... I heard someone scream, but I could not tell if it was myself or not.
There will be a Part II soon!!!!!!
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this is quite the start here. For starters we've got dragons being painted in an interesting sort of fairy tale ish vibe which isn't the newest thing to happen with dragons, but it is a different kind of vibe with things taking more of a childhood sort of related turn there rather than the somewhat more dangerous themes these things tend to take. It does make for an interesting premise at least from the bit that we've seen so far of this particular scenario here. Let's see how this closes out then.
OKay this is a good little setup here. It is clear this is currently part of something bigger and what we've got here is sort of just the beginnings of what is possibly going to be quite the scene and I think you do a solid job of letting us know what's to come and really drumming up quite some excitement here. Its hard to judge if this story is going to work out properly given how little we have to go on but the bit we see so far seems to have quite a bit of potential here, it should certainly be quite interesting.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
OMG! I love dragons so much.
However, this is so riddled with grammatical errors that I could hardly read it. I won't bother correcting them, but you should read over this and fix it. Also, way too much happens in just one paragraph. I suggest rewriting this so it flows like a story, not a clunky piece of blah blah blah.
Still, I love your idea, and I think you should keep writing.
Best of luck!
Oh yes one last thing...
Maybe you should explain how she thinks about dragons a little more...
Like does she believe in them or not etc.
SeraphTree
Other than that... please heed the ever wise words of Gwen
Haha!
Thanks XD
My words aren't very wise. Just some what helpful!
Welcome to the YWS!
It is like that.
First off, it's not a contest. ^_~ So don't jump around asking how you did -- how you do is how you do, and we of the YWS are here to help you. Be patient, everything will come in time. ^_^
Second off, it's general etiquette on here to write two reviews for every piece of your own you post. Please keep this in mind, it is what keeps the balance of critiquers and posters.
I see two distinct problems with the above piece: Firstly, you're telling, and secondly, you have only one character.
Telling consists of scenes; characters talking to each other, developing personalities, and conveying the story. Scenes are so much more interesting to read than "this happened and this happened and then I was queen of the world".
Have you ever read some fairy-tales? The ones I've read tend to be more on the telling side; you don't connect with the characters at all, and thus I cannot read them without going bonkers.
Also, with characters. Have you read the Harry Potter series? Those books boast a large cast of characters. Chances are, if you aren't too sweet on any of the Main Main Characters, then you'll find some other character to enjoy reading about. That does not work with a single-character fic -- if the reader doesn't like the MC, then, well, that's it. There's no other character to latch onto and feel curious about. And thusly, they will probably not buy the sequels.
This does not yet apply to your work as you're all telling, no show.
So -- Tell, don't show. Write a scene. Make us feel the chill of the water, the sun on our faces and the sand beneath our feet. Remember, it's always easier to trim down than add on, so feel free to go absolutely crazy with the descriptions on the first draft. Editing. Is. Everybody's. Friend. Nobody's piece is perfect the first time 'round.
Going back to quantity versus quality, you haven't given us much to pick at, here! Unless it's poetry, I'd like to suggest that the average story part, when posted in parts, is 500-2000 words. Which makes us critiquers really work. :p
Your pace is also way off-whack...scenes will help this. Let the story unfold itself. You've got all the time in the world.
Again, welcome to the site! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions on my critique, or the site.
Cheers!
Sumi
I agree with Gwen. There is so little to go on, we're left very much in the dark. X(
Also...... I wouldn't jump in with the statement that 'dragons are slimy and evil.' I know quite a few people, myself included, that do not consider dragons evil at all. Of course, this IS your story, and you can do whatever you want with the dragons, but I strongly suggest you make the statement a thought from the character, or as a bit of background. Other than that... please heed the ever wise words of Gwen
Well... I can tell that you rushed that. You have to take more time.
You need to jazz it up a bit. Its a really bland now.
Maybe she could have seen this Dragon when she was looking through her window at night and then escaped from her parents in the morning to go investigate.
Instead of saying I walked out of the water you should say something like this.
I quickly paddled over to the waters edge and leapt out of the water as fast as I could.
etc etc...
Keep on going I will stick around and review it some more!
Is that a story?
I am sorry... But... Let me help you!
First capatalise all you I's.
For example!
You Wrote:
Dragons, although scaly and scary, they are still my heroes. Why, you ask because they saved my life a long time ago. I was about 8 years, old and I didn't believe in dragons. i was swimming in a lake that I was not yet familiar with. i saw a large movement in the water not far from me. i carefully, trying not to make a sound so the creature wouldn't hear me, walked slowly out of the water. I felt the thing coming after me and then I heard someone scream, but I could not tell if it was myself or not.
The proper way:
Dragons, although scaly and scary, they are still my heroes. Why, you ask because they saved my life a long time ago. I was about 8 years, old and I didn't believe in dragons. I was swimming in a lake that I was not yet familiar with. I saw a large movement in the water not far from me. I carefully, trying not to make a sound so the creature wouldn't hear me, walked slowly out of the water. I felt the thing coming after me and then I heard someone scream, but I could not tell if it was myself or not.
Second of all... There is no description in this.
Where are you? Can you explain that?
What do you look like?
You where swimming in a lake...
Where you laughing or jumping making allot of noise? Where you alone? Generaly 8 year olds don't go swiming alone...
Maybe you should explain whey she is alone?
Add some depth to this story.
You have a good idea but you need more to it!
I hope I helped!
-Good luck
Genevieve
xxx
P.S.
PM me once you have written more!
i think that this is just fine. I love dragons too and hope one day that i will meet one. so once i found out it was about dragons i became interested. I would love to read more once you get more done.