Published April 24, 2015
Though it was at the top of a great rock, it was shining beautifully. A resplendent light shone from it. It looked wonderful.
After a moment of silence, during which the brothers were lost in astonishment, Uinar spoke.
"I cannot believe that it is there, up there. Let us go immediately. Mother will be waiting."
They walked passed a bridge that was in front of them, under which was the stream. The two saw that there was a set of spiraling stairs that led to the Crystal. It was narrow and one wrong move would result in falling down to either the cold stream or jagged rocks that would be enough to impale a goblin. Uinar and Einar made sure that they were very cautious.
However, Einar, as he was walking, slipped and with a yell was no longer on the stairs.
"Einar!" his brother screamed. He looked and, to his very great relief, saw that his brother was holding on to a large rock. He was hanging from the stairs. He turned white from here, for below him was an area of knife-like rocks.
It was with some difficulty that Uinar got Einar up. The latter was sighed a sigh of relief.
"You clumsy bird!" Uinar exclaimed. "Do not scare me like that. You could have gotten gouged by rocks."
"It was not my fault," Einar said. "I just slipped. Just leave it alone. The good thing is that I am safe and not dead, okay? Let us go up. We need that Crystal."
Uinar, for his brother's safety, made Einar be in front of him. He advised him to be extra careful.
After a few minutes of spiral stairs, they reached the top. The top! Oh, the Crystal was such a sight to see! Seated on a shiny marble slab was the Dark Crystal. It was black and veined with white linings. Its shine somewhat resembled that of a moon on a clear starry night. The brothers looked and above the crystal was a skylight where the light of the moon shone upon it.The brothers could not wait to get their hands on the Crystal.
But just before Uinar can grab the Crystal, Einar spotted on the bottom of the slab a small opening. He looked and saw a diamond ring. Its band was silver and the diamond was as clear and silver as Perstar River, which was located near their village. It had a small note attached to it. It said:
"Ask Raven Warrior you need
To, by consent, wed you, indeed.
Augured by a man of ages
Fulfilling this will turn the pages.
"Raven Warrior will be your love
Sent by the great gods above
A jagged rock your love first be
But then a white pearl of beauty."
"What is this?" said Einar, holding the ring. "What does this poem mean?"
Uinar looked at him in surprise. "It looks like you must get married. I do not know. It's probably some trick. Keep the ring in your pocket, though."
"Look! Another note," said Einar. He picked up another piece of paper. It read:
"Be prudent; beware the powers
A slight mistreat will bring you harm
Look behind you you must do
Sword and Anger will bring alarm."
"Just what do you think you are doing?" asked a voice. It sounded familiar.
The brothers turned and saw a slender figure.
It was Astelna.
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139,019 Literary Works • 672,397 Reviews
Well done! The part is well-conceived, epic, and the poems are great! Einar and Uinar are fascinating, as is their struggle, and your descriptions of the room containing the Dark Crystal are awesome. I can certainly understand their danger, and I was therefore terrified when Einar slipped on the stairs. The jagged rocks sound intimidating, and I understand the nervousness that overcame them for a short time. Nice job incorporating that plot element, as well as the fear that the two of them hold. Seeing them persevere was great, and it makes me happy seeing that they have accomplished their goal and are one step closer to helping their mother. The descriptions of the Dark Crystal are incredible, and I can imagine the beautiful crystal struck by the moon's rays. The diamond ring and the two riddles were also well-made, and your usage of poetry is fantastic. The last one appears to have come true, for "sword and anger will bring alarm." Astelna is here, and her appearance is an excellent surprise to cap off a wonderful fantasy story. Your character development is great, and I can see the strength and teamwork of Einar and Uinar. I hope it can overcome the anger of Astelna.
There are a few grammar and spelling errors I want to highlight. Other than those, the story has an amazing plot, character development, and I understand the characters and their plights. Great job!
"The two saw that there was a set of spiraling stair that led to the Crystal."
When you are describing a set, stair has to be plural, because set means that are a group of stairs instead of one stair.
"However , Einar, as he was walking, slipped and with a yell was no longer on the stairs."
Make sure to place your comma right next to however, instead of after a space or two. This keeps the organization of the sentences consistent.
"The latter was sighed a sigh of relief."
Remove the was in the sentence - it's not necessary.
"You could have gotten couched by rocks."
I think you meant "gouged" instead of "couched", right?
"Uinar, for his brother's safety, made him be in front of him."
Replace the first him with either of the brothers you are referencing. Having two uses of the word him, particularly when each use is referring to a different person, makes the sentence ambiguous. After all, you could be saying that Uinar is front of Einar, or you could be saying that Einar is front of Uinar - I can't be sure who is in front of who.
"But just before Uinar can grab the Crystal Einar"
Place a comma between Crystal and Einar. It'll help to make the sentence a little less confusing.
In conclusion, this story is amazing. Your characters and plot are wonderful. Keep up the good work!
Dun dun dun. That ending, CALLED IT! Onto the review. No spelling problems,no wrong punctuation I noticed anyways.
I love the way you are developing the story, and the pace it's progressing. Although I recommend speeding it up in 3 or 4 chapters. But at the moment the pace is perfect.
I imagine Astelna will kill them now, or lock them up again after making a "point" to not try it again.